The Real Housewives Top 20 Reunion Moments: I Watched So You Don’t Have To

Andy Cohen must have had a blast compiling the best moments from all of the Housewives reunions. I’m sure it was actually an army of interns, sifting through days worth of footage so Andy could do a quick “yes, yes, no, yes, no way, yes” etc. but whatever: they came up with some GOLDEN material. What follows is my possibly too-thorough recap.

Ramona, have a seat.

#20 Ramona freaks about Alex McCord’s nude pics.When the subject of the nekkid pitchers came up in the very first NY reunion, the ladies clutched their pearls in shock. Jill Zarin actually said, “It’s just not appropriate for the Real Housewives of New York.” OMG, is this heifer serious??

And this brings us to the first angry walk-off! This time it’s Ramona but wait til you see how many of these chicks got up and stormed off the set…

#19 The first – and last – live reunion show ever. I never watched the Miami edition so I don’t know who these people are. But one of them is finger-wagging at another one, screeching about how she fucked her husband. Andy keeps calmly repeating “We’re live. We’re live. We’re on live television” as they attack each other. Oh Andy. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, huh?

#18 Kandi talks about her fiance’s sudden death. Andy introduced this clip as “heart wrenching” and it really is. No lie: shit is sad. I have a soft spot for Kandi (maybe due to her having actual talent?) so this one got me. There may have briefly been something in my eye. Moving on…

#17 Peggy tells Alexis she dated Jim before they were married. As Phaedra would say, “Everybody knows Alexis is dumb as a hammer.” Her reaction to Peggy’s news was to show a text she says she got mid-reunion from Jim saying that Peggy was a stalker, she was lying, she broke into his house, yada yada yada, Jim is King Douche, shut the fuck up.

Andy takes a quick break to do a run-through of the best one-liners from all the reunions. Some highlights? Bethenney telling Kelly to “get off the crackpipe for 30 seconds”, Phaedra telling Sheree “I’ll let you wear the crown because you ARE the queen of throwing everybody under the bus”, and Nene (with her old face!) saying that “a hit dog will holler.”

#16 Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd vaguely discuss the verrry questionable “Cedric situation.” This one bores me a bit but I will say this: Ken Todd is totally the Crypt Keeper but he’s a charming guy, and seems to really love Lisa despite having sex twice a year.

#15 Caroline and Jacqueline confront Teresa about the trouble she started between them and Dina. This is Teresa’s first appearance of the night and man, is she blinky. When she gets those eyes fluttering, I feel like I’m watching the little hamster wheel inside her spin so fast smoke starts to come off of it.

#14 Kim says she wears wigs because she had cancer…or didn’t…for 3 weeks. I love when she says through tears that she was sitting in a Chili’s when she got the news she didn’t have cancer. Chili’s! Andy calls this one “very perplexing” and I agree. Oh, and did I already mention I miss Nene’s old face? Wait, was that Lisa Wu Hartwell?

#13 Joe Guidice’s “gay slur.” Remember on New Jersey season 1 when they all did the dance class with Danielle? And Juicy Joe made comments that would be too immature for an 11-year-old? Andy asks T about this and her eyes start blinking triple-time when he tells her, “I’m gay, and I consider it offensive.” Teresa, you are such a dumb stupid idiot dumb person.

#12 Brandi confronts Taylor about writing her book when it’s only been “like, a hot minute” since Russell died. Brandi is the Queen of the Trailer Park and I’ve gotta say I LOVE how she owns it. Taylor dramatically hurls the accusation that Brandi slit Eddie Cibrian’s tires when he ran off with LeAnn Rimes, thinking this is gonna shame Brandi and shut her down. Instead, Brandi doesn’t miss a beat, saying, “Yeah. I did.” Then Kyle calls her Angry Spice. Which is funny.

Brandi’s like, “Bitch, please.”

#11 Tamra goes off on Slade about his child support situation. Ok, why is Tamra so up in Gretchen and Slade’s business all the time?! I mean, I hate the expression “get a life” but it sorta fits here, doesn’t it? Tamra, feeling “degraded” angrily storms off the set. Walkoff #3!

Andy runs clips of some of the “inappropriate questions” from viewers that he’s had to read over the years. Does anyone else think those blue cards are all written by Andy and he just says they’re from viewers?

#10 Danielle gives Jacqueline the longest, most awkward hug in history. There are really no words beyond that. It made me miss Danielle’s craziness for about 1 second.

#9 Kim admits to being an alcoholic. She says she’s clean but I think she was definitely on something during that chat with Andy. Oh, Kim. I loved her when she was a Disney child star. Remember “Bedknobs and Broomsticks”? “Escape from Witch Mountain”? That was her. Sad. Moving on…

#8 Kelly talks about “Scary Island.” Kelly. Sigh. She seems to have real emotional problems. Ever since her obvious breakdown on that trip, I just feel badly for her. Bethenney says, “You’re nuts!” and that brings us to our fourth angry walkoff, and this time it’s Kelly!

#7 Nene says she’s “very rich, bitch.” This scene is memorable for two reasons: It features the hilarious “Fix that body!” “Fix that face!” exchange, and the camera catches Phaedra with one of her greatest stink faces ever.

#6 Tamra calls out Gretchen about the dude that called Simon in the middle of…zzzzzz. Sorry! Just fell asleep for a minute. Again, why is Tamra so weirdly interested in Gretchen’s life?

Andy breaks for a montage of eye rolls and it’s pretty funny.

#5 Ugh, the DC Party Crashers. I hate these people and that whole DC season was snore city. But! Cat angrily tells the Salahis that they were “NFI: Not Fucking Invited” (ha!) to the White House and then she does a sort of half storm-off before sitting back down.

Andy breaks again to show the scene where he repeatedly yelled, “Seriously! Shut the fuck up!” at the New York ladies as they continue to shout over him.

#4 Dina gives Danielle a second chance. Caroline loses her shit. Caroline’s dramatic weeping as she points at Danielle and says, “You know what you did!” is Emmy quality stuff.

#3 Jill and Bethenney face off/make up. It always seemed like Jill thought she was the wronged party in their whole friendship break up. That is because she is self-centered and clueless. But they hug and it’s sweet.

#2 Andy asks Kim, “Who is Big Poppa?” Blah blah blah, then Nene throws out her awesome line, “Close your legs to married men!” (I didn’t realize she repeated it 3 more times!) Sidenote: during the many times Nene has gotten in Kim’s face, Kim surprises me with how completely unruffled she seems. I would run away like a little girl, but Kim looks at Nene like “bring it.”

#1 Teresa shoves Andy. Who didn’t see this one coming in at number one? There’s no Reunion moment more memorable than Teresa pushing Andy back into his chair as she goes after Danielle who, of course, walks off the set! (Is this number 4? 5?) The shove is one thing, but Teresa’s guttural growl is nothing short of terrifying!

Andy wraps up by reminding us that Teresa is “really, really strong.”

What about you, Housewives fans and haters? Did I leave anything out?

 

PS As always, awesome gifs from realitytvgifs.com

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