Best of the Blog: The Angelina Jolie Problem

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Let’s begin right here, with my Hollywood nemesis. That’s right, Angelina Jolie. This was originally posted on 5.26.11.

It’s 4:30 pm and I’m already halfway through my first glass of wine. Why? Because the bugs are back. That’s right: lice. Again. No one indulged my wish to be smothered with a pillow so I’ve spent the day in an incredible state of tension while combing, clipping, picking, vacuuming and washing. I need a break. Blogging sounds good. When I asked Facebook friends to help me come up with some topics the other day, man – did they come through! I’ll start with an easy one, and one that fits my terrible mood: “Tell us why you don’t like Angelina Jolie.” Here we go…

1. Bitch is fake.
This is probably my biggest beef with AJ. We should really be calling her Angie Voight, by the way, since that’s her name, but whatever. I understand that it is common in Hollywood to be called by other than one’s government name, and apparently her actual middle name is Jolie. But I think it is hilarious that she goes by Jolie instead of Voight. Voight. Say it out loud and you will smile as you picture her struttin’ around Cannes as Angie Voight. You know how when you are in another country and some shop or restaurant is randomly named an English word? Like an “American-style” restaurant in Italy will be called Buffalo or something. Or a clothing store in Paris will be called Gigolo. You always kind of crack up. Do you think the French crack up at Ange calling herself “Little Angie Beautiful”?

The name, though, is only the tip of the fake iceberg. As long as Angie has been on our radar, she has aggressively positioned herself as “other”, one who looks down on the fakeness of Hollywood. Um, what has she done as an “actor” that makes her different from any other starlet, other than have brown hair? (I know – she’s an ambassador and has 40 kids. We’ll get to that.) Tattoos? Yawn. Dabbling in lesbianism? Next! She’s still had the nose job and the boob job. Don’t believe me? Click here or do a simple Google search. Such a cliched route and especially funny because she’s always acting like all that bullshit is beneath her.

Caveat: making out with her brother. That was genuinely freaky. Ick. Nast.

2. She’s a crap actress.
Did we all see “Girl, Interrupted”? Cruddy, overwrought melodrama, right? And probably the worst part was Ange’s big-eyed “I’m crazy! Look how totally crazy and wacked I am! I’m so nuts that you don’t know what I’ll do next!” I knew she and I weren’t gonna be friends after seeing her in that piece o’ trash. And she won and Oscar ™ for it! Hahaha.

I’m not laughing.

Can you name anything she was great in? A great movie or even a crappy movie that she was good in? No? Thought so. Angie drops bad movies like a ho droppin’ knickers (tm Lady Sovereign.) Actually, I loved the trailer for that universally-panned movie she did with a bloated looking Johnny Depp. She kept me guessing what her accent was supposed to be and it kind of kept me interested. You know, for that 2 minutes.

3. She’s not a good mom.
Yeah, I went there. I said it. Let’s forget for a minute the tiny detail that I haven’t actually met her, her husband or any of their children. Admit it: as Americans, we LOVE to judge and comment on everyone else’s parenting, whether they are famous or our neighbor down the street. We always “tsk, tsk” and shake our heads with a quick answer of how we would have done it differently (and better). So indulge me.

Seems to me that one of the messages I’ve heard about child development over and over is that young children need consistency. Right? A consistent, predictable routine for bedtime, mealtimes and getting ready to leave the house seems to be pretty widely accepted as best practice. We want kids to have a place – like a bedroom – that is theirs alone and we want them to begin to recognize familiar and loving faces. As a person who does a truly embarrassing amount of celebrity tracking, I know for sure that Angie and Brad’s kids have none of those things. They are constantly being enrolled and then withdrawn from preschools around the world and seem to constantly be adjusting to a new time zone or hotel suite. Yes, you say, but what about all that they are gaining from being world travelers? What about that? Well, as anyone who’s been around a kid knows, they are usually just as entertained by the cardboard box as they are with the cool toy that just came out of it, if not more so. To paraphrase Randall’s awesome narration of the honeybadger video, kids don’t give a shit. Trust me on this: those kids are too damn young to be getting much out of globetrotting. They’d be as happy to play in a park in New York as in Jerusalem. The world travel is just part of their movie star parents’ quest for fame. That’s it.

Now the tough part. I have to acknowledge the huge amount of money and press she and Brad have generated for important and sometimes overlooked causes around the world. That can’t be called into question. Whatever their reasons for doing it (and I think you can guess I don’t think it’s entirely selfless), more celebs should follow their example of giving the proceeds from their photo shoots to worthy charities. Yes, I concede: Angie does a lot of good, and maybe that’s enough for me to change my stance on her.

Nah.

PS: While writing this blog entry, I have completed another load of laundry and done another head check. In my mind, I hear Randall’s voice saying, “Lice. Ew, that’s so nasty!”

Photo: Wikipedia

P.S. Someone unfriended me on Facebook because of this post. Win.

4 thoughts on “Best of the Blog: The Angelina Jolie Problem

  1. eli says:

    I once stormed into a therapy appointment and spent 15 expensive minutes blustering and cursing about how much I disliked AJ . Therapist was perplexed and not sure how to handle my uncharacteristic outburst about a celebrity kerfuffle, since I do not watch TV and pretty much know nothing about anything current in media world. The culprit? The waiting room had a mile high stack of People magazines and I had just read that AJ had broken up Brad and Jennifer’s thing and I just LOVE Jennifer and her pretty pretty hair. (care nothing for Brad.) But I did like AJ in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. That movie was funny.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      You win. You win everything because that’s hilarious! The thought of you caring about this justifies my whole obsession with this kind of thing. Which I hope doesn’t make you feel badly. Jen’s hair. Aah, it’s amazing. I wish you watched Real Housewives of NYC because Heather gives Jen a run for her money in the incredible hair category. Are you happy Jen seems to have found love with Justin Theroux?

  2. blair says:

    a year later it still makes me laugh…

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      And I couldn’t be happier about that! An acquaintance (not a friend) got really worked up over this, asking me who I thought I was criticizing her. I think he didn’t understand how the internet works.

Talk to me.

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