The Search Terms That Gave Me Nightmares

I’m pretty happy for anybody to read my blog. Really. I don’t care as much about page views as I do about attracting readers who want to come back and read more of what I write; readers who are engaged.

But I’m aware that a large percentage of my pageview stats come from Internet users accidentally landing here because a search term they used somehow correlated with some words I’ve written at some point. This being the Internet, hundreds (literally) of search terms are either vaguely or overtly sexual. The fact that the word “housewife” is not only part of the title, but also frequently used in posts, results in all manner of “naughty housewife” related searches. Here, I present you with just a few (unedited for maximum impact):

alanta housewifes,sextape

the naked housewife

randy housewife

show me a sex tape of melissa on real housewives of new york from new jersey free (Wow, this dude knows what he wants and how he wants it. Zing!)

housewife show dirty mail panty pic*

free vajaja photo (I think I’ve made my feelings on this clear.)

www.maintenance sex housewife.com.

 

And perhaps my favorite:

“yestake me/pervs”*

 

And then there are the Bravo TV-related searches. I get tons of those but here are some of my favorites, along with my notes:

giudice how is he rich (You’ve seen ‘The Sopranos’, right?)

who gon check me boo gif (Gif? You came to the right place. “Boo.”)

what now with the housewives of new jersey they are so broken. (What, indeed? I share your concern.)

carole radziwill is so cool (Agreed.)

on real housewives of new jersey what ethnicity are caroline and rich (Um, have you ever watched the show? Ever?)

when is someone going to punch ramona singer (Oh, snap!)

take a xanax calm down ramona gif (GIFS!)

is watching real housewives bad for you ? (Still looking for answers myself.)

does sonjas toaster oven exist? (No, but the box does.)

i cannot stand lauren manzo (Thanks for sharing.)

lady shoes on atlanta house wife (???)*

im in love with romain zago (Get in line, honey.)

“I have something to tell you. I’m in love with a 45 year old blogger. She completes me.”

There are a few that come up that I can sort of, vaguely connect to something I wrote about:

Can’t be this guy. This is “Hulk” Hogan, not “Huck” Hogan.

is true dat huck hogan has a sex video? (I’m unfamiliar with “Huck” Hogan.)

will arnett is more attractive than amy poehler (Um, ok?)

i’m attractive and smart, so what’s up with men on match.com (Where do we start?)

 

And then there are these.
I see these terms and all I can think of are the disappointed looks on the faces of the sad souls who came to this blog looking for answers to these queries:

exists dance

bless your gay little heart

britney sausage gif*

real drunks

ramona pepe

what housewives will do for money

 how to become a gigolo

???

All of this has given me an idea. They always say you should write what people want to read. Watch this space for my upcoming feature “How to Make Sausage Money by Becoming A Drunk Gigolo Who Dances for Housewives!”

 *Nightmares.

UPDATE: Ok, which one of you added “talkative housewife” since I wrote this?

8 thoughts on “The Search Terms That Gave Me Nightmares

  1. Sharon says:

    This is cracking me up! I don’t even know how or why people come up with some of this stuff! It makes me feel so lame about my own Google searches.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Ha! And since I wrote it, “teen ass” has been added. EWWWWWWW!

      • Sharon says:

        WTF? There are no words…..

        • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

          Have to admit: I kind of love the thought of them finding this blog and being disappointed!

          • Sharon says:

            That is funny! I’m not even sure that I want a mental picture of the type of person that would use some of those search terms and of what they are doing at the time. My searches are so boring. Although during my obsession with the Casey Anthony trial and all things related, I did do a search for “How to make chloroform”. Just wanted to see what came up.

          • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

            Haha! That is hilarious! I share your horror over what in the world was happening in these people’s heads when typing out these searches. Oh, Casey Anthony. Haven’t thought about her in ages. I was pretty obsessed, too.

  2. Emma Covarrubias says:

    Hahahaha! that was hilarious.. was having an awful day, read this and made me Laugh.. thank you, love your blogs.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      No – thank YOU! Seriously. I’m also having a crap day and knowing that this made a few people laugh really makes me feel better. <3

Holla at me.

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