I mean, look at these two.
The first time I saw them together in public was Beyonce’s birthday in London in 2009. I was sure it some flukey thing between Chris Martin and Jay-Z. I imagined Beyonce gritting her teeth through a smile and hissing quietly at Jay, “I said TWO hours, ok?! Let’s GO! I can’t stand this brat.”
But boy, was I wrong! They’re constantly hanging out together. Everywhere! How can Beyonce stand her? (Then again, how can Chris Martin stand her? That’s a whole other can of organic artisanal worms.)
What do they even talk about?? I mean, did Queen Bey take Gwynnie to school after that ill-advised tweet? The one where she tweeted from the stage with Jay-Z and Kanye (first of all: wtf?!!) “Ni**as in Paris for real”?
Ugh, I can’t even get my head around this. If you’ve spent one second on GOOP, Gwyneth’s gross lifestyle blog, you know how insufferable she is. Finding out that she’s friends with two of my favorite icons makes me think maybe they are as awful as she is! When Beyonce supposedly – allegedly! – shut down the whole maternity floor of Lenox Hill hospital and demanded that even nurses hand over their cell phones so there wouldn’t be pics of Blue Ivy™, I saw Gwyneth’s dirty hands all over it. I could imagine her whispering to Beyonce, “Gurrrl, you are not one of the Poors. Or the Normals. Demand it! Take what’s yours! And by the way, if they try to use regular baby wipes, make sure they understand you only use cashmere, okay?”
I’m sure my irritation with them is not in any way related to jealousy over their natural beauty, fabulous wealth, sick clothing budget, famous friends, and incalculable wealth.
Just want to make sure we’re clear on that.
And check this out, when their faces are morphed together. . .
. . . it’s perfection! Aagh! RAGESTROKE!