Hello Baby Kardashian-West!
You are a baby! A new human life! Like any baby, I wish the best for you. Happiness, good health, prosperity and lots of laughs.
I’m not sure how familiar you are with your parents yet, but I’m gonna do you a favor and fill you in on a couple things.
Sigh. This won’t be easy but I want you to know it’s for your own good, ok?
See, your dad is Kanye West. I’ll tell you right now that I am a superfan. Your dad’s album “The College Dropout” was a game-changer, and joined a short list of albums – including “Kid A” (Radiohead), “Exile In Guyville” (Liz Phair), “Back to Black” (Amy Winehouse) – that I played the actual HELL out of. Your pop is super, super talented. So, that’s great, right?
Uh, yeah. The problem is that he’s also kind of a huge jackass. A lot of people really don’t like him. Like, really don’t like him. As he says in his tune “Diamonds”:
The international ASSHOLE
Who complain about what he’s owed
And throw a tantrum like he’s 3 years old
His hubris is legendary. Mr. West is probably better known by the public for his awards shows freak-outs, grandiose statements, grouchy interviews and “the mic grab heard ’round the world” than he is for his awesome musical talents. He has built up a pretty breathtaking amount of ill will from the public.
You probably just need to know that, ok?
And kid, we also have to talk about your mom. And her family. I know this hurts, but let’s just do it.
Because I have an unhealthy obsession with celebrities, coupled with a Rainman-like memory for useless information, I became aware of your mom when she dated NICK LACHEY way back in 2006. She was a “stylist” in those days and still had her original face.
I always thought she was super pretty so I’m not sure why she did all the weird fillers and shit before she even turned 30. But, ya know, Hollywood, pressure, life is hard, whatever.
Anyhoo. I’m sure you’re gonna hear this all your life so let’s get it out of the way right now: your mom, Kim Kardashian, got famous because she made a sex tape with a third-tier R&B singer. After it was “leaked” (wink) she made a lot of money and became very well-known because of it. (Some people even say your grandma
Pimp Mama Kris Kris Jenner was behind brokering the sex tape deal.) Your mom’s family ended up with a long-running reality show, which spawned clothing lines, cosmetics, and a long list of lucrative endorsements.
Unfortunately, like your dad, your mom has also managed to become a symbol of All That’s Wrong With This Country. People really dislike her and her family, and they are the punchline to pretty much all the jokes.
This is gonna be a real challenge for you.
To make matters worse, your dad is very close with Jay-Z. While your pops was busy with his all-caps blog rants, his mentor/pal Jay-Z was talking to Oprah about books that inspire him, becoming a record label exec, creating New York’s new unofficial anthem, making friends with little old ladies on the subway, becoming part owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and – duh! – being married to the hottest chick in the game: Beyonce. As much as people dislike your mom, they LOVE Queen Bey. Trust me. She’s singing the National Anthem at the inauguration this month, for Pete’s sake!
So you and their daughter Blue Ivy Carter will most likely be spending a lot of time together. You’ll both share the weird experience of being photographed everywhere you go, probably for most of your lives. But she gets to go home to America’s Most Beloved Urban Couple and you’ll have to go home to, well, you know.
I’ve gone on way too long, little [insert name containing several ‘K’s] but I want to wish you well and let you know I’m here if you need me. Especially if you want to tell me all about – every detail! – what it’s like living at your house.
Best of luck!