Chris Brown Just Seems Like A Real Chill Guy

I mean, doesn’t he?

He just seems real laid back, real easygoing.

*record scratch sound*


Cool tat, bro.

Cool tat, bro.

I guess we all first became aware that he was a major douchelord when he beat the hell out of Rihanna’s face area, right? Then he further endeared himself to the world by not only issuing the weakest apology ever, but tweeting pictures of himself being pissed about his community service? Oh, right! Also having a complete shit fit back stage at the Today show, punching walls and screaming and being a total ass because Robin Roberts dared to ask him about the Rihanna thing.

Then there was the 2011 nightclub brawl with Drake and his entourage, supposedly over Rihanna. Oh, and dressing as a terrorist for Halloween because HAHA that is HILARIOUS.imgres-1

When he lip synched through THREE songs (why?) at last year’s Grammy Awards, he defiantly responded on Twitter that he didn’t have to answer to anyone, blah blah blah to infinity.

Honestly, Chris Brown should be required by law to have a Twitter account open at all times. It is by far the best way to get to know the real “Breezy.”

Exhibit A: last fall, comedian Jenny Johnson – who’s been baiting Team Breezy for years – finally got Fist Brown (™Michael K) to have a full-on Twitter meltdown and it is GOLD.

When Chris tweeted “I look old as f*ck! I’m only 23…” Jenny replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.” WHOA! Look, I’m sure it sucks to be a famous person and have to deal with people constantly messing with you. However, most celebrities kind of get that you just ignore that stuff, right? But not CB! No way. He came back swinging (get it?) with a barrage of insulting and vaguely threatening tweets to Johnson. She stayed in the game, hilariously calling out his grammar (“It’s YOU’RE a hoe, not YOUR a hoe”), and weathered the wrath of not only Mom Breezy but Team Breezy, the scariest rabid fans on the Internet.

Right before (temporarily) deleting his account, Brown sent this lil’ gem:

@chrisbrown@JennyJohnsonHi5 mom says hello… She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina,”


Johnson’s reply? “You flirt.” The end. *drops the mic* NAILED IT!

Chrissy has been quiet for a little bit, so it was time to publicly act out again. Earlier this week he engaged in a heated battle – allegedly! – with Frank Ocean. Why? Duh! Over a parking space, silly!

And today I got a new Rolling Stone in the mail and Rihanna’s on the cover. Sigh. I haven’t read it but there are several pull quotes about how she doesn’t have to explain her reconciliation with Ass Face. Really? Then SHUT UP about it. Blergh.

Here’s the thing: I really do not care even the tiniest bit what happens to Rihanna or Chris Brown, together or apart. I could pass out from the effort of not caring about them. But I’m already dreading the next time he beats her up and she acts all sad and weeps with Oprah, wondering publicly how it all went wrong. Hey, Rihanna: I already know how it went wrong! You are a grown up who has decided to reenter a relationship with someone who beat you. Badly.

Get counseling or don’t, but please don’t act surprised when it happens again.-1

Halloween photo:

4 thoughts on “Chris Brown Just Seems Like A Real Chill Guy

  1. I wish I could come up with comebacks like Jenny. Guess that’s why she’s a comedian and I am not.

  2. Jenny is my hero! Very funny. Chris Brown is the poster child for teaching our daughters about the definition of a d-bag.

Talk to me.

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