CBS, which is apparently the network that airs the Grammys, has a LOT to say about how the stars (and “stars”) dress for the telecast. The specificity of the language is, well, you’ll see.
[Note: To make it more fun, I suggest reading this in the voice of Smithers, Mr. Burns’ sycophantic assistant on The Simpsons.]
“Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.”
Hold on, professor. Let’s take this apart. I have a couple quick questions.
1. Is it really just “female breasts” that need to be covered? I would actually much rather see some J. Lo underboob than Steven Tyler’s saggy boobies.
2. I LOVE the use of the word “problematic.” I imagine a huddle of academics – preferably Women’s Studies majors – deciding how they feel about “thong type costumes.”
3. Were you aware that “buttock crack” was a technical term? I was not. As a general rule I avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack – uh, at work maybe! Come on! We can’t expose fleshy under curves anymore? F*CKING FASCISTS.
4. Also? “Female breast nipples.” See item 1.
Just like Vanessa Williams, CBS saved the best for last.
“Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.”
AARGH! What does this mean??! I immediately thought of Sean P. Diddy/Puff Daddy Combs in some tight Todd Rundgren pants. That can’t be what they mean, right?
Then, I thought camel toe. But they specify “bare skin” exposure? So confused. I mean, I don’t really watch these award shows, but I do read the internet the next day.
And I cannot remember a time in ever when I saw “puffy bare skin exposure” in the genital region. Can you? They’re just making this stuff up.