Calm Down. You Will Not See Puffy Genitals at the Grammy Awards

Woah.

CBS, which is apparently the network that airs the Grammys, has a LOT to say about how the stars (and “stars”) dress for the telecast. The specificity of the language is, well, you’ll see.

[Note: To make it more fun, I suggest reading this in the voice of Smithers, Mr. Burns’ sycophantic assistant on The Simpsons.]

“Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.”

Hold on, professor. Let’s take this apart. I have a couple quick questions.

1. Is it really just “female breasts” that need to be covered? I would actually much rather see some J. Lo underboob than Steven Tyler’s saggy boobies.

Sorry. This is kinda mean.

Sorry. This is kinda mean.

2. I LOVE the use of the word “problematic.” I imagine a huddle of academics – preferably Women’s Studies majors – deciding how they feel about “thong type costumes.”

#problematic

#problematic

3. Were you aware that “buttock crack” was a technical term? I was not. As a general rule I avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack – uh, at work maybe! Come on! We can’t expose fleshy under curves anymore? F*CKING FASCISTS.

Cute!

Cute!

4. Also? “Female breast nipples.” See item 1.

Just like Vanessa Williams, CBS saved the best for last.

“Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.”

AARGH! What does this mean??! I immediately thought of Sean P. Diddy/Puff Daddy Combs in some tight Todd Rundgren pants. That can’t be what they mean, right?

Then, I thought camel toe. But they specify “bare skin” exposure? So confused. I mean, I don’t really watch these award shows, but I do read the internet the next day.

And I cannot remember a time in ever when I saw “puffy bare skin exposure” in the genital region. Can you? They’re just making this stuff up.

Butt crack dress
Nicki pic: worldfamousmedia.com
Steven Tyler pic: PerezHilton.com

7 thoughts on “Calm Down. You Will Not See Puffy Genitals at the Grammy Awards

  1. Sharon says:

    I can’t even tell you how many times I have read this statement over the last few days and it cracks me up every time. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that you would write about this. How could you not? I too love the use of the word “problematic”. I’m not sure which phrase amuses me the most, “bare fleshy under curves”, “female breast nipples”, or “puffy bare skin”. I think that the “puffy” skin they are referring to is female. I think that in the past there have some costumes that had some slim coverings on the lady parts.

  2. Dumbass says:

    So I just voted for “intown confidential” as my favorite blog at
    http://www.modernluxury.com/jezebel/best-of-atlanta-2013

    Just part of the ground swell to get you off your tv-inspired nom du web.

    Also, just to keep the conversation going, I have sometines heard guys refer to their crack as their “taint”? Like maybe in a Glamour Magazine section where some guy writes in worried tones “sometimes my taint gets really sweaty.” What’s up with that? Southern? Just for guys?

  3. Dumbass' Better Half says:

    LOL, Atlanta Housewife! You had me going all over the google machine for the meaning and etymology of the word “taint” — sounds like my grandma, who use to tell us to “wash up as far as possible” and “down as far as possible” and then to “wash possible.”

  4. Dumbass' Better Half says:

    P.S. We used to know someone who had a dress remarkably like #3. Jeez.

Talk to me.

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