The 5 Reasons You’re Still On Facebook

Note: This is a slightly edited version of a post from my old blog. If you’ve already read it, you are awesome and I like you. Don’t be mad at me for recycling.

Everyone with a teenager knows that kids today think Facebook blows and it’s all about Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter. Facebook has had a slight stink of “over” on it for awhile now. Weren’t people already making jokes about what happens when your mom joins Facebook back in 2009? In 2013, we just accept – hell, expect! – that our grandparents will “like” our posts about having a case of the Mondays.

Knowing all this, why are so many of us still daily users of Facebook? I’m about to tell you why. Get ready, because it’s about to get

I thought I invented the word “facecrush”, but according to Urban Dictionary, I did not. Whatever. My definition of a Facecrush is a little different. This is not a crush like the one you might have on the ex-husband of an old friend, not that neighbor you always kind of had a thing for, not your kid’s cute teacher who friended you on Facebook. No. My definition of a Facecrush is a person you don’t actually know in real life but whom you find yourself Facebook-crazy over. For a period of time – usually 2 to 3 months, according to my research – the two of you can’t get enough of each other’s posts. You’re liking stuff all over the place, posting videos you hope they’ll think are funny, and generally vibing with each other – without any sexual overtones. (Again: totally different animal.) Then one day, you realize it’s dwindled to almost nothing between you and your Facecrush. Without the benefit of a real, everyday actual friendship, you end up throwing out a random sympathy “like” from time to time, the online equivalent of the awkward nod across the room.

Deriving at least a little pleasure from the misfortunes of others is human nature. I’m sure there are humans who’ve overcome this nature but those people aren’t reading this blog, are they? There’s something a little satisfying in seeing that the high school bully is now a lives-at-home loser. Something enjoyable about seeing a formerly high and mighty co-worker you couldn’t stand desperately kissing up to people, hoping to “network.” And let’s just say it: seeing that someone you never liked is fat now? That can put ME in a good mood for days.

You probably know someone who just had a baby. If they live far away (or in my case, more than 10 minutes away), how will you see the baby? Facebook, that’s how. New parents take a lot of pictures. BAM. You’re welcome.

Haha babies are cute.

Haha babies are cute.

Need to know who to call to fix your HVAC? Forget Angie’s List; Facebook that mess! When you need advice about contractors, restaurants, babysitters, laptops, vibrators whatever, Facebook makes it really easy to ask every single person you’ve ever met. In 2009, I crowdsourced whether or not I should take a certain job. Mostly everyone’s advice was wrong but that’s okay.


How else are your supposed to know when a famous person dies?

What else? Got a number 6?

5 thoughts on “The 5 Reasons You’re Still On Facebook

  1. Paula says:

    #6: it is the only way I remember people’s events/gigs/parties anymore. I actually get a little irritated when people invite me to things the ol’ fashioned way (Evite).

  2. OMG. The “get ready” GIFis the best.

  3. Emma says:

    LOL!.. #6 to me is being able to block the people you are not speaking to at the moment. Because you know that is the greatest insult of all!
    True story.. A friend and I had a few words and were not on speaking terms so instead of deleting her from facebook, i blocked her from seeing new posts.. long story short, we had a friend in common, who apparently told her I was posting funny stuff and when she went in could not find it.. I got, I kid you not, 25 texts with her saying how immature I was for doing that. I agreed. Then I deleted and completely blocked her LOL!
    Meh…my facebook my rules. If I don’t like you, out you go.

Talk to me.

%d bloggers like this: