The Week in Celebrity Vaginas

I probably should have used quotation marks around celebrity because the people I’m talking about are celebrities in the same way people like Ingo Rademacher and Sean Lowe (who?) pass as “stars” on Dancing with the Stars.

So, how about this? Some people that a lot of people are aware of said some stuff about their vaginas and I have some things to say about what they said.

Let’s start with Amerika’s favorite sisters, the Kardashians. I generally try to limit my exposure to Kardashianalia. There are a number of reasons for this but the primary reason is that I CANNOT LISTEN TO THEIR VOICES. Because I love trashy pop culture so much I want to marry it, I know that not watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians leaves a gap in my knowledge base. So I have tried, Lord knows I’ve tried, to watch the show. But I have never made it through a full episode because of those voices. The combination of that flat, nasal whine and using “like” every fourth word makes me feel insane.

Also, Kim’s face freaks me out.

But I am aware of them because DUH. So when I read earlier this week that on their television show, two of the sisters asked a third sister to compare and judge the smell of their vaginas, I thought, “Well, of course. Of course they did!” The way in which the winner was determined is that sisters Kim and Kourtney individually wiped their vaginas with a cloth napkin and then each in turn presented their napkin to sister Khloe for a sniff test.

That’s right: these adult women smeared (sorry!) their essences (again!) on a piece of cloth, which they presented to another adult woman to judge.

Big surpise, Kim was the winner! Know why Kim was the winner? Because Kim getting peed on by a third-tier R&B singer ten years ago is the reason these people are on TV. How is Kim gonna lose?

Here’s my favorite line from the whole thing: “Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p***y?” Khloe rhetorically asks. “Not really, but we’re sisters … if I can’t smell their p***ies, what else am I supposed to do?” Exactly, Khloe! You just summed up sisterhood beautifully! I mean, come on! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Some would argue that Amanda Bynes is even less of a celebrity than the K sisters. We’re splitting (pubic) hairs here, but at least Amanda Bynes had a career as an actress with her own TV show and a movie or two before turning full-time professional car wrecker. Everyone pretty much forgot about her until she started acting all weird and druggy a few months ago. And then she went on Twitter with this lil gem:


. . .

C Bale WHAT?

Um. I don’t . . . I just . . . WHAT?!

I guess she means she wants to do sex with Drake? But Amanda, WHYYY do you use words as though you’re a non-native English speaker?

Even though we hear the word “vagina” in public more now than we used to, it still pricks up the ears when people talk about their own. It’s sort of a guaranteed attention-grabber.

So, to you, masochistic Amanda Bynes and you, sweet-smelling Kartrashians, I say well played. Well played.

7 thoughts on “The Week in Celebrity Vaginas

  1. Ugh. That competition between the K sisters makes me want to to gag.

    And then gag for real.

    Again, bravo for your excellent GIF. This time, the beautiful Christian Bale. Excuse me while I spend the rest of the day gazing upon his much-moustachioed confusey face.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Thanks, mama. It’s nice to know someone appreciates the lengths I go to to find the right GIF.

  2. nancy says:

    I have only heard their voices for about 3 seconds and that was enuf for me. Since I watch alot of E! I mute the ads for the show! UGH

  3. Emma says:

    I watched that episode and both girls kept drinking pineapple juice to make themselves smell and taste sweeter.. and honestly taking a cloth napkin and doing that was disgusting to me.. I would never EVER do that for either of my sisters.. we are close but not that close. They should enter into a more interesting contest like counting like all the time like they say LIKE and like just you know, literally like stop saying like. And of course all this convo in like a very like raspy voice like you know?
    Sorry, it’s Monday and coffee is my best friend.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Ha! Your last line is awesome!

      Yeah, I have a hard time blocking/unfriending but I will also say I’ve never regretted it once. Ok: once. A bartender who I only kinda knew. I ran into her somewhere else and she totally gave me the stink eye. I was ashamed because there was no reason to unfriend except that I felt like she was basically a stranger.

  4. perversely fascinated says:

    Silly me! I didn’t think it was possible to out-slime the Hulk Hogan video. Your blog is an educational experience

Talk to me.

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