We’re just hours away from part one of the super-sized Real Housewives of Atlanta season 5 reunion show and for me, it can’t be 8 pm soon enough! This season was a little ho-hum but the reunion looks goooood, doesn’t it?
Since it’s very clear that Andy Cohen reads my blog – how else to explain Fashion Queens? – the other ladies probably do, too. So I’ll address each of them individually and let them know what I think of their performances this season.
Phaedra Parks :: Donkologist, Ph D
Phaedra, you are a delightful mystery to me. You live contentedly in Phaedra World, a place where every idea is turned into a business and where a charmingly cracked Southern charm is the coin of the realm. But it’s a nice place and I love you for making a home there with Apollo and Ayden. I’m pleased to see that the marital discord Bravo hinted at in the trailer for this season turned out to be a bunch of bunk and I know you must be so happy to be bringing another little chicken nugget into the world. Anytime you want to go for a day drink at the Clermont Lounge, I’m down.
Kandi Burruss :: The Hungry, Happy Housewife
Kandi, you may want to have a chat with the producers about the editing this season. Girl, they made you look like you would do anything for a plate of food! Maybe you’re ok with it but I think I’d be a little miffed if I had put on a noticeable amount of weight and then every episode showed me yammering about food! I’m guessing you probably don’t care though. And, really, why should you? You seem genuinely happy with Todd, Riley seems to like him, you took a few steps back from Mama Joyce, and you own a bad ass mansion. Good for you and may your empire – whoaOHOH! – keep growing.
Cynthia Bailey :: The Natural Sleep Aid
Oh, Cynthia. I love that you are still striving for relevancy. I really do. And that you made a conscious effort to be a sassier character this year. But you are still a human yawn. How about you stick to running the low budget modeling classes as the Bailey Agency and leave the shit stirring to pros like Kenya? Just keep being pretty and pleasant, because that’s kinda your brand; go with it. And one last bit of advice: go – now! – open a secret bank account that Peter can’t get his hands on, because when Bar One goes down, he’s gonna try to take you with it.
Porsha Stewart :: The Dumb Black Blonde*
Porsha (sigh), it’s hard not to feel bad for you, kid. “265 days a year” you struggle to make sense of the world around you. And because your marriage to Kontrolling Kordell was so short, you’re unlikely to get much at all from him in the divorce. Bummer. Word here in ATL is that you were working at your mom’s daycare center before you met him, so maybe there’s still an opening over there? I didn’t want to, but I kinda grew to like you this season. Let’s face it, in this crowd, there are definitely worse things than being a little bit of a ding dong.
Kenya Moore :: The Devil’s Little Sister
Ugh, yooouuu. Kenya, you came in this season and immediately showed what a ridiculous, unstable, delusional witch you are. And I hate to say it, but you probably saved the season from being a complete snoozefest. Living real life as you must be awful, but TV you is always entertaining so keep up the nutjob work. Keep acting like you are somehow historically important, keep passing off Trader Joe’s ready-to-eat entrees as your home cooking, keep bringing “security” with you to rinkydink modeling agencies, and by all means, keep offering checks to dudes to play your boyfriend. You know how to create drama everywhere you go.
I do have to tell you, though: you looked wack as hell kowtowing to Nene at your party as she lectured you about not burning bridges. It is so clear that even though you try to act like some cartoon version of a fierce diva, you know your place, and that will always be at the feet of Nene Leakes.
P.S. You’re dating an “African oil tycoon”? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLZ forever!!!
Nene Leakes :: The Once and Future Queen
Nene, I’m so glad you’re back. No, you weren’t technically “gone” but last season, you lost me. You got a little too full of yourself and “I’m rich, bitch” was not a good look on you. But you’ve been cool this season and even the boring episodes (and there were too many of those this season, ANDY) meant one or two hilarious lines from you. And I live for those faces you make. Oh, Nene – the faces!
I also want to tell you how happy I am you ditched that greasy foot fetishist you were seeing last season. Yes, Gregg always seems mildly stoned but it’s clear that he really loves you and you two have a lot of fun together. Keep enjoying your “glambaby” and don’t ever change again, ok?
That’s a wrap!
I can’t wait for tonight! I’ve decided to play my own one-person drinking game while I watch. The rules are: 2 sips for the first Nene eyeroll, 3 everytime Kenya snaps the fan, and just kill the whole glass when Kim walks out in that green dress.
Will you be watching?
All gifs: Reality TV Gifs
*This is from a hilarious comment about Porsha (shoutout to Shunnie Machelle!) on the blog’s Facebook page. Haven’t “liked” it yet? Go do it now!