Before we look through the Georgia Department of Public Safety Report together – and oh, we are so gonna do that – let’s take a minute to be thankful that no one was hurt when one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and her dumbass husband drove drunk through the A late Thursday night.
Because since no one was hurt, we can safely LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH about this mess!
If you’d like a look at the actual document, you can download it here, or you can just let me give you the good stuff.
First of all, dang. Reese is really tiny. According to the report, Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon is 5’02” and 105 lbs. Now, it’s possible that Reese shaved a couple pounds off when she filled out the DMV form (something I obviously do not condone) but it’s more likely she’s really that small. Which makes some of the stuff she did that night seem even funnier.
So. Reese and her husband were riding down Peachtree at 12:40 am on Friday, April 19. They were over by Peachtree Battle. [Any guesses where they were hanging out before they hit the road? I don’t know; I actually really want your guesses.] An APD officer noticed a Ford Fusion – wait, stop. Quick laugh break for ballin’ in a FORD FUSION!
Oh well. I guess a Fusion is better than a giant Hummer? Still funny. Anyway. Moving on.
So, Officer No Bullsh*t (you’ll see in a minute) notices that the Ford Fusion – one more time: HAHAHA! – failed to maintain its lane and traveled more than once over the double yellow line. Officer No Bullsh*t initiated a traffic stop and the car pulled over into the Walgreen’s parking lot.
Again, I have to stop the story for a second. In general, I tend to be anti-cop. Sorry, I just am. I know it’s not rational but it’s almost like how some people just have a preference for mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. I just generally prefer to not deal with cops whenever possible.* However! I do love it when they serve up some “sit your ass down” justice to people acting like a**holes. Which is exactly what happened that night in the Walgreen’s parking lot.
Smelling alcohol on the driver’s breath – and also noting “disheveled clothing” – the officer asked the driver how much he’d had to drink. He replied “a drink” (yeah, right) and then looked to his passenger, one R. Witherspoon, to answer when he was asked where the drinks were consumed. She replied that the drink was consumed at a restaurant two hours prior. Girl, stop. Just stop.
I love this kind of crap! Listen, we have ALL left “a restaurant” after having “a drink” “two hours earlier”. We just have. And we probably did not smell like alcohol and fail to maintain a lane in our disheveled clothes! God, could one of these people not ever just say, “Dude, I am WASTED right now. I don’t know what the hell I was even thinking after that sixth shot. Here, cuff me.”
At this point in the report, the LOLZ start coming fast. As the officer is performing the field sobriety tests on Reese’s hubs, she tries a couple times to get out of the car. He tells her to stay put. She then hangs her head out the window and starts shouting that she doesn’t believe he is “a real police officer.” Actual line from the DPS report: “I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.” YES. I want to buy this guy a drink. But she couldn’t stop herself and started throwing around bullsh*t like “Do you know my name?” and “I am a US citizen and I am allowed to stand on American ground” and “You are going to be on national news tomorrow.” Wrong, Reese. Joke’s on you because YOU’RE the one who is on the national news! For acting like a bratty little bratface when you were rightfully arrested for being an entitled jerk!
Today Reese added insult to injury with her half-assed PR flack-written apology. She says it was a “scary situation.” Oh, no sh*t, Reese? I’m sure it WAS scary for the other people on the road that night when you and your disheveled husband couldn’t be bothered to hire a car. (By the way, I need to plug Uber here. I can’t say enough about how awesome they are. I have a code for 10 bucks off if you want it. I’m really not kidding about this. SHEER AWESOME.)
At the end of the report, there’s a line stating that the “backseat passenger was released to a taxi cab.” Backseat Passenger, who are you? WHERE are you? Give me your exclusive! I pay all of my sources in 3 loads of laundry done at your convenience, along with a shared bottle of the finest under $5 wine I can find. Call me!
*I have to add that a couple of my favorite neighbors of all time are both cops. So you know. It’s not about the individuals. It’s about gross generalizing on my part.