Legally Stupid: Reese Witherspoon Vs. APD

I love how her eyes are like, "I quit this bitch."

I love how her eyes are like, “I quit this bitch.”

Before we look through the Georgia Department of Public Safety Report together – and oh, we are so gonna do that – let’s take a minute to be thankful that no one was hurt when one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and her dumbass husband drove drunk through the A late Thursday night.

Because since no one was hurt, we can safely LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH about this mess!

If you’d like a look at the actual document, you can download it here, or you can just let me give you the good stuff.

First of all, dang. Reese is really tiny. According to the report, Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon is 5’02” and 105 lbs. Now, it’s possible that Reese shaved a couple pounds off when she filled out the DMV form (something I obviously do not condone) but it’s more likely she’s really that small. Which makes some of the stuff she did that night seem even funnier.

So. Reese and her husband were riding down Peachtree at 12:40 am on Friday, April 19. They were over by Peachtree Battle. [Any guesses where they were hanging out before they hit the road? I don’t know; I actually really want your guesses.] An APD officer noticed a Ford Fusion – wait, stop. Quick laugh break for ballin’ in a FORD FUSION!

Oh well. I guess a Fusion is better than a giant Hummer? Still funny. Anyway. Moving on.

So, Officer No Bullsh*t (you’ll see in a minute) notices that the Ford Fusion – one more time: HAHAHA! – failed to maintain its lane and traveled more than once over the double yellow line. Officer No Bullsh*t initiated a traffic stop and the car pulled over into the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Again, I have to stop the story for a second. In general, I tend to be anti-cop. Sorry, I just am. I know it’s not rational but it’s almost like how some people just have a preference for mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. I just generally prefer to not deal with cops whenever possible.* However! I do love it when they serve up some “sit your ass down” justice to people acting like a**holes. Which is exactly what happened that night in the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Smelling alcohol on the driver’s breath – and also noting “disheveled clothing” – the officer asked the driver how much he’d had to drink. He replied “a drink” (yeah, right) and then looked to his passenger, one R. Witherspoon, to answer when he was asked where the drinks were consumed. She replied that the drink was consumed at a restaurant two hours prior. Girl, stop. Just stop.

I love this kind of crap! Listen, we have ALL left “a restaurant” after having “a drink” “two hours earlier”. We just have. And we probably did not smell like alcohol and fail to maintain a lane in our disheveled clothes! God, could one of these people not ever just say, “Dude, I am WASTED right now. I don’t know what the hell I was even thinking after that sixth shot. Here, cuff me.”

At this point in the report, the LOLZ start coming fast. As the officer is performing the field sobriety tests on Reese’s hubs, she tries a couple times to get out of the car. He tells her to stay put. She then hangs her head out the window and starts shouting that she doesn’t believe he is “a real police officer.” Actual line from the DPS report: “I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.” YES. I want to buy this guy a drink. But she couldn’t stop herself and started throwing around bullsh*t like “Do you know my name?” and “I am a US citizen and I am allowed to stand on American ground” and “You are going to be on national news tomorrow.” Wrong, Reese. Joke’s on you because YOU’RE the one who is on the national news! For acting like a bratty little bratface when you were rightfully arrested for being an entitled jerk!

Today Reese added insult to injury with her half-assed PR flack-written apology. She says it was a “scary situation.” Oh, no sh*t, Reese? I’m sure it WAS scary for the other people on the road that night when you and your disheveled husband couldn’t be bothered to hire a car. (By the way, I need to plug Uber here. I can’t say enough about how awesome they are. I have a code for 10 bucks off if you want it. I’m really not kidding about this. SHEER AWESOME.)

At the end of the report, there’s a line stating that the “backseat passenger was released to a taxi cab.” Backseat Passenger, who are you? WHERE are you? Give me your exclusive! I pay all of my sources in 3 loads of laundry done at your convenience, along with a shared bottle of the finest under $5 wine I can find. Call me!

mud-premiere

I don’t care about anything happening in this picture except for McConaughey’s suit. It is everything.

*I have to add that a couple of my favorite neighbors of all time are both cops. So you know. It’s not about the individuals. It’s about gross generalizing on my part.

14 thoughts on “Legally Stupid: Reese Witherspoon Vs. APD

  1. Mary Anne says:

    I mean, they have a NANNY, live in LUXURY, and can’t hire a LIMO?????? Next time I wanna go under cova I’m gonna rent me a FUSION…HAHAHAHA love this!

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Can you believe the arrogance?!

      I’ll be checking every Fusion I pass to see if it’s you!

  2. Emma Covarrubias says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha! Well, why did she look down for her mug shot, we the little people do that and we get yelled at, she was allowed? or is it allowed?
    I guess she ain’t perfect, but alcohol brings the best in people LOL! This made me laugh so much in the morning when I got to the office, it brighten up my day!…
    And her apology, did it include “We should have called a cab and not driven drunk, there is no excuse for our actions”??????? I don’t remember reading that. Ah Reese, bad bad girl.

  3. reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

    Emma, you are SO right! I didn’t even notice that! She totally should have said something about how stupid driving drunk is!

  4. Cpunt says:

    Well, I hate to be the party pooper but COME ON. Rule one for pending DUI charges according to Mr. George Styn “Never say your drunk.” That being said, I always knew this chick was a crazy…She’s got it written all over her face! I’m gonna try the “I don’t believe your a real cop” line right after I tell him “You do it.” to his request for the breathy testy.

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Well, “Cpunt”, you’re right about that. RW has always had the look of someone desperately trying to tamp down the Crazy and keep it from leaking out the sides.

  5. Liz Baker says:

    This is how I know the bitch was drunk: “I’m a US citizen and I am allowed to stand on American ground” !!! I love this line and have probably said something equally indignant and bratty to a cop before. This is how I know the drunk is a bitch: everything else she said.

  6. Heather says:

    ReallyReal, biggest laugh in days. She did this on purpose, right? To entertain we Little People”. BTW, a, HUGE Uber fan. If I know about it, why wouldn’t she?

    • reallyrealatlantahousewife says:

      Let’s give her some credit and assume she is pulling some kind of elaborate Joaquin Phoenix-style hoax for us. Sure. I’ll go with that.

      And really: how does she – or her assistant – not know about Uber??!

  7. Gail says:

    WTF, these people couldn’t afford a cab. Also, Uber is great. As a friend of mine says “from your floor to my door”

  8. nancy says:

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and surmise you are not a fan of hers? Where in the Jolie scale are you with her?

  9. Tammy says:

    I never liked her at all and I don’t think she’s a talented actress either. What she and her husband did was selfish and reckless because they could have killed an innocent driver on his or her way home, they have lots of money and should’ve called a can instead. Go to hell, Reese!

Talk to me.

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