Remember the “Tan Mom”? Of course you do. She was accused of putting her 5-year-old daughter in (on?) a New Jersey tanning bed. She was a meme for a hot second, both defending herself and wildly screaming at reporters and photographers that they were “all fat losers!”
If you thought she just went back to transforming herself into a human strip of Turkey Jerky, you are incorrect. She’s back and she’s”the cool one.”
Warning: you will require some sort of eye-wash station following the viewing of this video, so start getting that ready now. Or better yet, some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type thing that erases your memory. Because what you are about to watch cannot be unseen.
A short list of things you’ll see in this “music” video:
- doughy young gay men writhing around with and on Tan Mom
- the inexplicable presence of a young woman with a blonde wig who “dances” with the soft gay men
- production values that make the average 3rd grader’s PowerPoint on rocks and minerals look like Scorcese
- Tan Mom in a Party City wig declaring she is “hotter than the Octomom” while having her boobs groped
- choreography that took under 6 minutes to learn
- what a $35 wardrobe budget looks like
- rhyming of “drop my top” with “Mazel TOFF” (yes: toff)
- at 2:01, a complete “I quit this bitch” to even pretending to lipsync
- a podium featuring the presidential seal of the United States
- a woman in the late stages of severe alcohol and possibly drug abuse who, in a better world, would use the profits from this video to pay for a stay in rehab. (Oh. Wait. There won’t be profits.) *sad face forever*
Sometimes the world seems like a terrifying hellscape.