You may have heard that George Clooney broke up with his most recent ladypiece, Stacy Keibler. Cloons and Keibs were together for about 2 years – which is pretty standard for him. Anyone who’s been paying attention knew she was about to get her walking papers based on a few key mistakes she made.
With George being A.) indisputably foxy and B.) on the market, here are my handy steps to becoming his next ex-girlfriend. You may be asking yourself why, if I know how to do it, I’m not going after G. Cloons myself. Well, maybe some people think a villa on Lake Como, meals in the world’s best restaurants, fabulous designer clothing and getting it on with one of the world’s sexiest men sounds good. Meh. To me, a quiet night with Bravo and leftover Thai in my “yoga” pants on the couch is the height of glamor. So let my years of research benefit you!
1. Be a conventionally sexxxy woman.
I bet George is a very cool guy. I think he is probably smart and interesting, and hearing about his pranks on the set makes me think he brings the LOLZ from time to time. But let’s be really real here for a second. George probably doesn’t even see your face unless you breathe the rarified air of the fantastically gorgeous. I’m not saying G-Money doesn’t care about your personality – he totally thinks you’re awesome, girl! – but I’m pretty sure that if your personality doesn’t come wrapped in a smokin’ hot package, you’re invisible to him. So. Eat your salad, no dessert / Get that man you deserve.
2. Do not have a career you care about.
Clooney dates waitresses, students, and other waitresses. Although this Stacy Keibler character was some sort of WWE personality, and he’s dated a few chicks who were C-listers in Europe, George keeps it simple. George Clooney is not coming home from the set of Oceans 47 to ask you how your conference call went. He doesn’t want you to “lean in”. Pretty sure he just wants you to “lay back.” HI-YOOO!
3. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re a star just because you’re star-adjacent.
One of the reasons GC broke up with Elisabetta Canalis (his ex before this one) was because allegedly – allegedly! – she started to take way too long primping and generally focusing on her appearance when he was ready for a stroll down the beach. It was later speculated that she was spending so much time getting pretty because she knew she’d be snapped by the paparazzi. Naturally she wanted to look good! I don’t blame her. But when G is ready to stroll down the beach or hop on the jet-ski or whatever, you better run a brush through your hair and get it movin’, ho!
Canalis also – just like this Keibler girl – committed the cardinal sin: mentioning George in interviews. Not talking about sexual positions or anything (we’ve all heard the rumors) but merely mentioning that she spent time with the man. Ladies, George starts prepping your pink slip the very minute you speak to a reporter. You are not being interviewed because of your career (see #2 above), you are being interviewed because you’re dating George Clooney. So DON’T TALK TO REPORTERS! Zip it!
4. For the love of Cloonz, do NOT tell yourself you’ll be the one who changes him!
In a way, you gotta love George Clooney for being straight up about who he is. He’s been married once and never wants to do it again. He doesn’t want kids. That’s it. Period. Dude wants to live his superstar/activist/director/all-around hot piece life that way and I love him for it. Now, if I know this and I’ve never had a conversation with the man, anybody thinking about trying to be his boo better know it and accept it.
So do your homework and make it happen! That’s the secret, right? We just want stuff and believe it will happen and then it happens! Right?!
Send me a postcard from Lake Como and don’t forget to thank me in your interviews*.
*D’OH! That was a trick! Don’t do interviews!