I’ve been under a sort of rock the past few weeks. I generally spend an embarrassing amount of time poring over news from the Celebrity Industrial Complex but there’s just been a lot going on, been busy, haven’t felt inspired, blah blah blah. So I want to extend my thanks to Paris Hilton and Lil Wayne for inspiring me to write words on this blog again.
If you haven’t seen it (and that will presumably be most of you), Paris Hilton released a “teaser” video for her “song” “Good Times.” It appears to be a song about partying with a 32-year-old hotel heiress. Sample lyrics:
“I might be a bit tipsy …
but that’s OK ’cause you’re with me.
Are you having a good time?
cause I’m having a good time.”
Based on the preview, the video contains a seemingly random collection of what I guess are supposed to be sexy images? There’s lots of skin, lots of swimwear, and lots of attractive young people having “good times.” There are hot tubs, wet t-shirts, vodka bottles, dancing, hair flipping, and sexxxy sexxxiness. Check it out.
WARNING: NSFW words come out of Lil Wayne’s mouth. (Lil Wayne who, by the by, should be ashamed of himself. Not just for the stupid lazy rap but for signing Paris Flippin’ Hilton to his Young Money Cash Money record label.)
Ok. Yeah. Sure.
One wee tiny problem: it is thoroughly and completely UNSEXY. In fact, here are 12 things that are sexier than the video you just watched.
11. Cleaning out the produce drawer of your refrigerator
9. Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade
8. Emptying an ashtray into which liquid has been spilled
7. Paying your property taxes
6. The water left in the tub after a pedicure
5. Hugging a sweaty acquaintance
4. Getting fired
3. Pinky toes poking through the sides of strappy sandals
2. Having a bad cold
1. Sitting in a hospital waiting room, waiting for your pre-op paperwork, and not only realizing the ancient man next to you is CLIPPING HIS NAILS, but realizing this at precisely the moment that one of the clippings LANDS IN YOUR LAP.*
*This happened to a friend of mine today. So thanks to Paris Hilton, Lil Wayne and my good friend for the inspiration.
GIF: Reality TV Gifs