It’s happening, ATLiens. Don’t fool yourselves into thinking they’re just rumors. Word on the street is that Justin Bieber is on his way to the A – and not as a visitor. He’s been seen all over town partying with various full-grown adults
who oughta be ashamed of themselves.
Sshhh. Be still. Sit with your feelings for a minute. It’s normal to feel this way. The first step is acceptance. Let me help you make peace with the inevitable. Here are seven things that should make you feel better about it.
1. Nene will have a word with him.
In many ways, Atlanta is still a small town. It’s especially small for famous – and “famous” – Atlanta residents. It’s why you see Alton Brown hanging out with T.I. (I made that up, but it seems believable, right?) If Justin moves here, there is no doubt he will eventually make the acquaintance of Ms. Lennethia Leakes, whom you may know as the larger-than-life Nene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Say what you want about Nene, but she does not tolerate foolishness and f**kery. A few minutes with Nene and Justin will be “yes, ma’am”-ing and “no, ma’am”-ing around this city, and getting the home training he obviously lacks.
2. Strippers will make a killing.
Our strip clubs are legendary. So many deals are made among the hip hop elite Justin is striving to become a part of that Magic City is like a second office for these guys. Wee Justin will be working overtime to impress and that can only be good news for Atlanta’s single moms.
3. Buckhead Betties are not residential drag race enthusiasts.
Even though JB is working on thugging out his image, with the tattoos and sippin’ lean shirtless in da club (barf), I’m pretttty sure he won’t be moving to Bankhead or Peoplestown, where the real thugs are. Curbed Atlanta has a round up of some of the properties Bieber’s people are looking at and early reports indicate Buckhead will be the lucky winner.
Hollywood tolerates all sorts of hijinks from famous people. Atlanta does NOT. (Remember what happened to Reese?) Most of Atlanta’s new rich live in the far southern and northern suburbs of the city. But people with old money – people who prefer to be described as “wealthy” rather than “rich” – still live in Buckhead and they are not known for their tolerance of bratty pop star shenanigans. I’d love to see Justin try something like egging the Swan Coach House. SCANDAL.
4. Think about how fun he’ll be in traffic.
Everyone knows (Phaedra Parks voice) that Atlanta’s traffic is the literal worst. When I find myself driving anywhere in this city after 3 pm, I become a ragey nightmare.
Traffic is truly the great equalizer in Atlanta. Imagine how someone as coddled as Bizzle (I can’t) will handle sitting still on every highway and surface street in the city, unable to move more than a few feet at a time. He will have a full on toddler tantrum and there will be cameras to catch it all! We might even get to see his bodyguards carry him on the side of the Downtown Connector if things go right. Or wrong.
It might look something like this:
5. He’ll learn what we mean when we say, “Bless your heart.”
6. Justin + the Honey Boo Boo clan = TV gold.
Between strippers, tattoos, and sippin’ lean, Atlanta will someday be The City Where Justin Bieber Went Broke.
Imagine a time in the not-too-distant future. Justin’s bank account is empty, the hangers-on are hangin’ on with someone new, and Justin needs a quick check. I bet the producers of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo would love to pay Justin for a guest appearance. Imagine the fun scenarios they could cook up. Justin is forced to become Mama June’s personal assistant! Alanna brings Justin in for show and tell! Justin becomes Uncle Poodle’s housekeeper! Should I keep going?
7. Miss Ann will finish the job Nene starts.
Miss Ann’s Snack Shop is an Atlanta institution and home to the fabled Ghetto Burger, which the Wall Street Journal named the Best Burger in America a few years ago. People wait for hours to get a seat at the snack bar and obediently follow Miss Ann’s extremely strict rules or suffer the consequences. Eater Atlanta has a great piece on a first-timer’s experience here.
I looove the thought of Justin Bieber trying to stroll in with an entourage and order a Ghetto Burger! Miss Ann makes Nene look like a pushover. She would have the kid in tears, pulling up his pants and running for the door if he tried to pull any clowning inside her shop.
Let’s try to have fun with this, you guys. We are really, really good at making the best of bad situations in this city, so let’s look on the bright side of the news that Justin’s coming to town.
Bless his heart.