Last night the series premiered with an episode titled “Peter Pan Sin-Drome”. (I see what you did there, Andy Cohen.) As expected, the episode was little more than a “meet the cast” showcase, but it gave me some thoughts about what we might see on this show.
It’s hard for a reality show to find the perfect balance between genuine interest in the cast, and genuine interest in slapping the cast hard. I may be speaking way too soon here, but I think Southern Charm looks like a winner. So let’s meet the cast, shall we?
Shep is basically a giant human puppy. He takes leisure very seriously and spent 5 years at UGA because of course he did. I (grudgingly) give him credit for using the word “tomfoolery” in his bio. Shep is cute and seems 10 years younger than the 34 his bio says he is. I enjoy thinking about how his sixth generation South Carolinian family members feel about seeing him on the show, blowing the family fortune on trucker caps and fun socks.
Or is it Chris? I think I’m gonna call this kid Chris. I just like it better for him. Chris/Craig is a lawyer whose main contribution to the episode seemed to be complaining about missing day drinking opportunities. Waah, waah, waah. Hey, get a job as a blogger and quit yer bitchin’!
I eagerly await Chris/Craig’s inaugural interesting contribution to the show. Til then, he’s filler. Handsome filler.
Jenna is a low-budget Miley Cyrus who drives a starter Benz. This, from her official Bravo TV bio: “aspiring fashion designer, currently designing a line of fashion gloves (Hello, Michael Jackson!) and has an interest in a designer sunglass company”. Uh, I think that says it all for Jenna. She designs “fashion gloves”, you guys. All tea all shade, that sounds like Rob Kardashian’s “job” designing socks.
Thomas Ravenel is South Carolina royalty. His family has been in Charleston for many generations, a bridge is named for his father, and his accent is sheer perfection. He built a polo field on his plantation. (That’s right, he owns a plantation.) He was at one time the State Treasurer, until he went to rehab and then prison on drug charges. His Bravo bio says he is 48 but Wikipedia says he’s 51. Thomas wants to get back into politics so a reality show was the obvious choice. WHO IS ADVISING THIS PERSON?!
Here’s the thing about T. Rav: He is part of a long and storied tradition of Southern politicians who unapologetically have zero f*cks to give. The type whose only worry is being caught with “a dead girl or a live boy”. This is the dude you’d accidentally flirt with at a house party (it happens!) before finding yourself trapped in a corner, hearing about how the black woman who raised him is “just like family”. Thomas looks like he smells like bourbon and date rape.*
Nope. I didn’t misspell her name. It is completely not her fault, but this chick’s name is CAMERAN. She pronounces it “KAM-rin”. Kamrin is the type of young woman who seems genetically engineered for reality TV and/or buddy movies aimed at the 13-25 set. She appeared on The Real World. Cameran is a real “guy’s girl” and I anticipate we will see lots of cute burping, farting, and beer drinking. I predict she will also don a visor with her ponytail pulled through the back at some point.
It might sound like I dislike Cameran. Wrong. There’s something about her that I really like. She seems genuinely sweet; truly happy-go-lucky. (Fast-forward to episode 4 or 5 and we’ll probably see her drunk and cussing the dog mess out of some girl she arbitrarily hates.)
Have you ever met someone who thought they were way more interesting than the actually are? The kind of person who’s created a self-mythology that they really, really find fascinating? So fascinating that they fail to notice people falling asleep in the middle of their boring stories? That’s Whitney. He’s of indeterminate age, but whatever age he says he is, let’s assume he’s ten years older. Whitney is a “film maker” and a “musician”. He dresses in a way that I guess is considered outre in Charleston, but plays in Atlanta like generic aging hipster.
Whitney mentions the need for a “stabbin’ cabin” not once but twice in the episode (there is literally no way I could make that up) and makes sure to showcase the various Ann Taylor and Steve Madden items left behind by his many conquests. This dude really, really needs us to know that he can PULL SOME TAIL! This man has NO PROBLEM with the ladies, amirite?!
The best thing about Whitney is that he lives at home with his mother, Patricia. I’m gonna make an early prediction that Miss Patricia emerges as the One True Star of Southern Charm. This woman loves gin, pistols that match her Birkin bag, and her son – probably in that order. Like Thomas Ravenel, Miss Patricia is a Southern
stereotype archetype I can really get behind. Bring it, Miss P. I am here for it!
Andy Cohen knows exactly what we like. Sure, there have been some missteps (looking at you Vanderpump Rules and 100 Days of Summer) but I suspect I’ll like this show jusssst fine.
What about you? Are you watching?