Category Archives: Bravo TV

6 Loosely-Related Thoughts on This Week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey”

I’ve got about 65 things I need to be doing right now. What better time to reflect on the trials and triumphs of my pals in New Jersey? Let’s get right to it.

1. Confession: I like Melissa Gorga. A lot. Part of it is that I can’t stand Teresa. I feel like Melissa has tried harder – at least in front of the cameras – to mend things in their family. But there’s also something about Melissa, something I can’t put my finger on, that reminds me so much of my sister-in-law. Whom I adore. For that reason, I can’t be objective about anything MG does! Hating the camping/hiking/canoeing thing was SO my SIL! When she said she’d prefer to stay on the shore and “keep it sexy in [her] bedazzled bikini”, all I could think of was my Jenn. If Teresa had said it, it would have annoyed me. There. I said it. This is TV. Opinions don’t have to make sense.

2. Joe Gorga’s body confidence baffles me! And maybe charms me? A little? He takes every opportunity to show his peen (which I think we know after last night is fully waxed, ew). He’s a 5 foot tall meatball and he loves shucking his clothes!  It’s endearing in a way … except that he’s someone’s dad. It’s cute now, but he will become just as embarrassing as Aviva’s dirty ol’ dad. Trust.

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Young Lady, Pull Yourself Together: An Open Letter to Sonja Morgan

Sonja, sit down. We need to talk about some things that are gonna be hard for you to hear.

When last night’s episode opened on the meeting in your apartment, you were already making me tense. Say what you will about Heather, but she’s a hugely successful business woman and she’s offered you her help, along with help from James Benard (who probably lies awake wondering why he ever agreed to do this). And you bring Ramona to sit in and bark out her critiques in between taking phone calls? Honey, why? What were you thinking?

Now this is where it gets hard. *deep breath* Continue reading

Now THIS Is How You Recap A Season

The Real Housewives of Orange County, despite being the original Bravo franchise, are my least favorite. Of course I watch the show anyway (duh!) but as people, they are the ones I am least interested in meeting in real life. Here’s my thinking:

  • Atlanta ladies know how to have fun (even if they’re broke)
  • Beverly Hills ladies are really, really rich (and often mean)
  • New Jersey has non-stop family drama (seeming a little fake this season, but…)
  • Miami has the scary witch mom (seriously, this woman!)
  • DC ladies are smart (except for that real dumb one)
  • New York ladies have awesome parties (unless Sonja hires the band)

Annnd the OC ladies just scream at each other. A lot. And they all look vaguely the same.

I came across this very, very funny high-speed recap of OC Season 7 and it is pretty much perfection. I want the guys from www.cankletv.com to recap everything all the time.

“INSURANCE!”

Dirty Ol’ Dad: A Crankypants Recap of This Week’s Real Housewives of NYC

I’m cranky and tired and just finally got around to watching Monday’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. What better time to throw out some random thoughts?

  • First, the GRILL on Aviva’s dad! I mean, whaaat? Every time he spoke I could barely pay attention because the contrast between those giant, bleached chompers and his leather face was too much.

    Ew.

  • Aviva seemed to handle him surprisingly well. For someone with so many phobias and anxieties, it surprised me how laid-back she was about her father’s behavior. Offering someone their “first squirting orgasm” while seated at the dinner table?! Wow, Luann was right: money CAN’T buy you class.
  • Oh, and when Gramps said to Sonja, “You’re not wearing panties.” Cringe! Request: Can the word panties never be used again please? At least not to describe the undergarments of anyone over the age of 7?
  • I have a suspicion that Sonja’s revulsion toward Ol’ Leatherface wouldn’t have been so dramatic if the cameras weren’t rolling. She can act disgusted all she wants but she knows the dude is LOADED and obviously, being with an old, rich guy hasn’t been a problem for her before. Maybe it was just because he was so over the top. But remember: this is a woman who’s trying to create a sexy TOASTER OVEN. That spells desperation like nothing else.

Moving on.

  • Ok, Ramona. She is a terrible, terrible person. Telling Aviva what to do with the prosthesis she’s been wearing for 35 years?! How does anyone tolerate this woman?  Ugh, Ramona. Shut yer stupid facehole.
  • There was just a smidge of Countess this week. However, despite her lack of onscreen minutes, she provided my favorite bit from this week’s episode. When Carole confronted (or whatever that was) Luann about asking her designer friend for a dress, Luann said, “Well, you know, I was doing that big shoot for Life & Style.” Countess say WHAT?! She is talking about a grocery store checkout line tabloid as if it’s a spread in W or Vogue! She is acting as though a “shoot” for a magazine that has a giant yellow sticker on the cover screaming “Only 2.99!” is something to brag about. I just can’t with this broad.

Oh, these people are just way too awesome. I can’t wait for next week.

 

photo via Bravotv.com

Put these A**holes in their Place, Milania!

Holy cow! Have you seen the Real Housewives of New Jersey Facebook page today? It’s blowing up with absolutely vile comments about Milania. Jezebel has an impressively well-researched piece about it (damn, they are thorough). Now, if you’ve read this blog at all, you know I think Milania is the HBIC of that show. Although I wouldn’t let my own kids behave like she does, I find her brattiness 100% hilarious for entertainment purposes. My kid climbing into the produce bins at the grocery store? Oh, HELL naw. Teresa’s gravelly-voiced little princess doing it? Reality TV gold.

However. Let’s remember that this kid is 5 years old! She’s 5! Calling her a “bitch” and a “troll” and saying you’d like to “beat the shit out of her” is so far beyond that I just … really, I don’t even have any words. It makes me feel a little sick to be honest.

Are Paul Nassif and Adrienne Maloof Separating?

TMZ is reporting that Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are close to separation. Before you scoff at TMZ, remember that these guys have an unbelievable network of sources – waiters, valets, manicurists – throughout Hollywood. When it comes to entertainment industry news, especially in and around LA, they’re pretty hard to beat, and they’re rarely wrong.

I feel really sad about this if it turns out to be true. I make fun of the Real Housewives all the time, just like pretty much every blog ever. But I always remember that these are real people. Even Teresa. 😉 They may be petty or ridiculous or pretentious or even kinda dumb, but they are people with families and lives that go on beyond the TV show. For me, joking about families falling apart isn’t necessarily off-limits, it’s just not funny. I’m going through a divorce myself and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It sucks and it’s never what anyone wants for themselves and even when it is amicable (as mine is) it still feels like a big fat sad failure.

During the first season of RHOBH, I found Adrienne and Paul’s constant bickering sort of amusing. It seemed like they were one of those couples who just made it work despite annoying each other Paul annoying Adrienne all the time. Holding out hope for them and their sons that they can find a way to fix it.

 

Bitchin’ & Ramoanin’

Yesterday I met a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in way too long for mid-afternoon cocktails. It felt luxurious, in a very Housewives-y way, to be sipping drinks while other people were still at work. If it hadn’t been 900 degrees and our dresses hadn’t been stuck to us with sweat, you would have thought we were carefree socialities. (Not really, but work with me.)

After we paid our check and got ready to go back to real life, the subject of the ladies of Bravo came up – as it does – and before we knew it, we’d been sitting with empty glasses for 15 minutes deciding what we thought about last week’s episode, and the whole Luann and Zhhhhjahhk (how Jacques pronounces his name) set up of Ramona. You remember, right? Wine expert Pepe Le Pew (OMG Mario made a funny!) and the Countess invited everyone to a wine event at which they played “wine games.” Ugh, whatever. Anyhoo, one of the oh-so-hilarrrious games they played was setting Ramona up to see if she knew her own wine. Continue reading

Money Can’t Buy You Class, Indeed

It’s hard to remember that this is NOT a parody. This is Real Housewife of New York City Countess Luann’s official music video.

How is it possible that it actually seems more comical now than it did then?! When the Countess was making the song, I think I was so focused on the fact that she was even doing a song that I don’t think I fully realized how hilarious it is! Remember the music producer? The one who kept his sunglasses on at all times?

source: chris young tumblr

 

Of course you do.

What you might not remember is how awful the song is! And much like when people tell you they are funny, or laidback, or “a lot of fun”, when people tell you they are classy, they are most assuredly not.

This video makes that point better than I ever could.

 

Ep. 12: Product Pile-Up on the Jersey Turnpike


The New Jersey cast used to be my favorite. Ah, how I loved that first season!

Who can forget Teresa pulling out that huge wad of cash to pay for her gaudy furniture?

She didn’t even have her “bubbies” yet.

Those early days before the Manzos all had lap-band surgery (except Prince Albie and Critterfur, of course), and when Dina and Danielle were cast members were something special. Growing up in central Florida, where the 2 ethnic groups were “black” and “white”, I’ve always been intrigued by the culture of Italian-Americans. And the Season 1 Jersey-ites did NOT disappoint.

But this season? Meh. And I think I figured out why: THEY’RE ALL SELLING SHIT! Continue reading

Milania Giudice: The TRUE Star of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

The New Jersey Housewives frustrate us, don’t they? The ladies of Franklin Lakes can be so inconsistent. Teresa says nothing matters more than family, but behaves in ways that completely contradict her statements. Caroline says life is too short for drama, and then shows up (ta-da!)on Jacqueline’s back deck just in time to insert herself into Teresa and Jacqueline’s friend break up.

But there is ONE character from NJ whose actions are always, always consistent with her words. One cast member who stays “in character” at all times, never distracting us with complicated feelings or nuanced emotion.

That character is Milania.

Milania from Real Housewives of New Jersey

“Get the jerk out!”

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