Category Archives: Music

BREAKING: Chris Martin Consciously Coupling With Costco-Sized Bags of Cheetos

My #FreeChrisMartin movement never really caught on the way it should have but it doesn’t matter now, does it? As you’ve no doubt heard, Chris and Gwyneth are “consciously uncoupling”.

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What’s that? You say “consciously uncoupling” sounds like “divorce”? Wrong! Divorce is for Normals. Divorce is for lazy failures who probably feed their kids breakfast cereal from a box instead of artisanal, locally grown spelt in Malabar chestnut milk, hand-milled by indigenous women. Divorce is for people with office jobs and minivans who drink non-premium beers. Divorce is for people who cook their pizzas indoors. Basically: farmers. (The type Jack Donaghy refers to; not the “young hippies who sell arugula at the market” type.)

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All joking aside, divorce – sorry, “uncoupling” – pretty much sucks. There are bad feelings and painful conversations and months spent wondering how you got from “I do” to “Get the f*** out”. It’s no fun, no matter how well both parties try to behave. There are silver linings, though. One of them is that divorce is sort of The Great Equalizer. No matter how perfectly you try to live your life, when your marriage fails, you’re in the same boat as everybody else.

And that’s exactly where Gwyneth Paltrow heard opportunity knock and told her maid to tell it she wasn’t home. Because announcing the end of a long (by Hollywood standards) marriage was her shot a relatability, something she desperately lacks. It was her shot at erasing statements like “Some days I feel like everyone in the world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired” from public memory.

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Still mad at Bey for this.

But nooope. Gwyneth had the chance to come across like the normal working mom she constantly claims to be and what did she do? She turned the smugness up to 11 by using her lifestyle blog to announce not run-of-the-mill divorce, but organic, expensive, better-than-you “conscious uncoupling”. That’s the reason the Internet exploded in Schadenfreude yesterday. She just makes it impossible to feel for her. She tried to build an empire on telling other people how to live like she does. Gwyneth Paltrow attempted to “curate” a perfect life and found out – like we all do – that life is messy as hell.

So back to Chris. I’m sure he played an equal role in whatever happened between them (no I’m not). But he’s not getting the hate she is. A friend of mine suggested that the marriage ended because she’s an awful person and he’s gay. Nah, I don’t think Chris is gay. I do think Chris Martin is the type of guy who isn’t all that into sex and probably prefers stuff like giving you back rubs and looking meaningfully into your eyes while he strums his guitar for you. He seems like a mellow dude and frankly, it’s very easy to see how a person like that would get completely fed up with the quest for perfection that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s entire existence.

So, Chris? Get INTO it, man. Smoke a blunt, buy gallons of that cheap, foamy ice cream that comes in huge plastic containers. Grab enormous bags of Cheetos! Better yet, buy generic Cheez Puffs. Get some bottom shelf liquor and lose a weekend watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. You deserve it. You’re free.

 

Seven Great Things About Justin Bieber’s Move to Atlanta (Seriously!)

It’s happening, ATLiens. Don’t fool yourselves into thinking they’re just rumors. Word on the street is that Justin Bieber is on his way to the A – and not as a visitor. He’s been seen all over town partying with various full-grown adults who oughta be ashamed of themselves

Sshhh. Be still. Sit with your feelings for a minute. It’s normal to feel this way. The first step is acceptance. Let me help you make peace with the inevitable. Here are seven things that should make you feel better about it.

1. Nene will have a word with him.

In many ways, Atlanta is still a small town. It’s especially small for famous – and “famous” –  Atlanta residents. It’s why you see Alton Brown hanging out with T.I. (I made that up, but it seems believable, right?) If Justin moves here, there is no doubt he will eventually make the acquaintance of Ms. Lennethia Leakes, whom you may know as the larger-than-life Nene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Say what you want about Nene, but she does not tolerate foolishness and f**kery. A few minutes with Nene and Justin will be “yes, ma’am”-ing and “no, ma’am”-ing around this city, and getting the home training he obviously lacks.

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Get into it, Nene. Dismiss him when you’re done.

2. Strippers will make a killing.

Our strip clubs are legendary. So many deals are made among the hip hop elite Justin is striving to become a part of that Magic City is like a second office for these guys. Wee Justin will be working overtime to impress and that can only be good news for Atlanta’s single moms.

3. Buckhead Betties are not residential drag race enthusiasts.

Even though JB is working on thugging out his image, with the tattoos and sippin’ lean shirtless in da club (barf), I’m pretttty sure he won’t be moving to Bankhead or Peoplestown, where the real thugs are. Curbed Atlanta has a round up of some of the properties Bieber’s people are looking at and early reports indicate Buckhead will be the lucky winner.

Hollywood tolerates all sorts of hijinks from famous people. Atlanta does NOT. (Remember what happened to Reese?) Most of Atlanta’s new rich live in the far southern and northern suburbs of the city. But people with old money – people who prefer to be described as “wealthy” rather than “rich” – still live in Buckhead and they are not known for their tolerance of bratty pop star shenanigans.  I’d love to see Justin try something like egging the Swan Coach House. SCANDAL. Continue reading

Consider This A Verbal Selfie

Five Things I’m Thinking About Today:

1. Ever since we got back from the beach last week, I’ve put Sublime in heavy rotation. That one album – Sublime, the one that came out right after Brad Nowell died – so perfectly captures the laid back feeling of summer days. Love.

2. Even though I binge-watched the entire series two weeks ago, I can’t stop thinking about Orange is the New Black! I keep Googling stuff about the show, checking the cast’s Facebook pages and stalking them on Instagram. My favorite of the OITNB Instagrammers is Danielle Brooks, who plays Taystee on the show. SHE IS SO ADORABLE I NEED HER TO STOP! (click the pic for a darling video)

3. I am an occasional smoker. There, I said it. Especially when I have a lot on my mind. (Or have had more than a couple cocktails.) I like the feeling of pausing and just watching the smoke for a few minutes while I take a minute to think. I have also heard – and I think maybe it’s true – that smoking is not considered a healthful activity! So I recently decided to switch to e-cigarettes for at least the majority of my smoking occasions.

My review: not as great as actual cigarettes but considerably less likely to kill me, so, ya know, sticking with it ’til I decide it’s just too weird and that smoking actually sucks and I stop all together.

It’s weird how there’s no set end time with an e-cig. With a real coffin nail, there’s a period of time when you’re smoking and then you’re done because you’ve burned it down. Not so with the e-variety.  An I never thought it mattered to me, but the awkward size of the e-cig is, well, awkward. Instead of feeling like this:

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E-cigs feel more like this:

allisonstopalready(Fans of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will recognize this as the awesomely horrible Allison Dubois at Camille’s Dinner Party from Hell. I could watch that episode over and over and over.)

4. I <3 cover songs. I have devoted ridiculous amounts of time to creating playlists made of nothing but covers of great songs – the more unlikely the cover artist/song combo, the better. (Katy Perry’s cover of MGMT’s “Electric Feel”? Perfection.) So I really enjoyed this list of 21 Cover Songs That Make You Realize How Amazing the Originals Were. 

5. Being tan feels so good, you guys. Like smoking, it’s not great for longevity or the long term appearance of one’s skin. But I love having a real true SUN tan so much! I’ve tried spray tanning and it’s a decent substitute for the sun that first April day you decide to rock a skirt without tights. But honestly: nothing beats the freckly golden glow you get from spending a few hours relaxing in the sunshine.

Preferably with an icy Michelada and Sublime bumpin’ on your system.

 

My Eyes Are Just A Little Sweaty Today: Remembering Amy Winehouse

It’s been two years since Amy Winehouse’s shocking (not shocking) death at age 27. I still listen to her music ALL THE TIME and imagine what it would have been like if she had lived a longer life. I mean, damn: even hanging on til 45 gives you a hell of a lot more material to work with.

So I’m reposting the piece I wrote on Intown Confidential right after she died. Even if you don’t read it, take a minute and watch her sing one of my favorites. When she breaks at around 1:20 – well, just watch . . .

July 23, 2011
So, Winehouse didn’t make it. Couldn’t keep up the fight any longer. Since she was such a tabloid dream, we all saw the dangerous signs of a life in total chaos, but somehow her early death still shocks and saddens. Her music was so meaningful to me and I want to remember her here.
I first heard her sing when “Rehab” was offered as a free iTunes download. I knew nothing about her, and I don’t make a habit of using iTunes to discover new singers but she intrigued me. I admit at first it was her look more than anything else that made me pay attention. That insane beehive, those crazy tats, the pencil skirts? I liked this girl’s style so I gave it a listen. It seems ill-timed to describe my feeling upon hearing her sing as something like addiction but it really was like what people say that first hit of meth is like: “I want more! Now! Again!” I couldn’t get enough of her and I felt something I hadn’t felt since I fell in love with Joni Mitchell in junior high.
Mark Ronson was the perfect producer for her; their relationship reminded me of other explosive artist-producer pairings that brought out the best in both. Her sultry voice with his 60s soul style production – mixed with improbably modern lyrics about her lover making her miss the Slick Rick gig – were intoxicating to me.
I remember throwing around her word (“fuckery”) all through the fall of ’07. Despite what were seemingly enormous differences between us – an about to be 40 mom of two and a superstar trainwreck – I felt like we knew each other in some way. Despite outward appearances, I heard her and knew I had some Amy in me. The way she sang about love and life felt so true and courageous. I admired her recklessness and tattered beauty. Like everyone else, I was sort of fascinated at the paparazzi photos of her in her grimy ballet slippers and running makeup. I wasn’t clutching my pearls, though. In a weird way, I loved her refusal to be anything other than her messy, raw self. In a world in which stars don’t even wear crazy get-ups to the Oscars anymore (I miss you, Cher!) there was something exhilarating about her unwillingness to hide her pain. Continue reading

Best of the Blog: An MC to a Degree You Can’t Get In College

Adam Yauch died last year. This is what I wrote about him on May 10, 2012. 

It’s been a few days since Heaven got a little more Adam Yauch.
I’m surprised how much his death is still on my mind. I keep imagining what his parents are feeling, what Mike and Adam are feeling, and what his wife and daughter feel. The loss of someone we love, especially when it’s so new, is too hard for the heart to accept. You wake up thinking for a minute that person is still here somewhere before realizing he’s gone. Forever.
I came across this picture on Twitter:

I can’t stop looking at it.

I look at him and I see all of us. In his eyes, I see that feeling that we have when we’re young: I am immortal, untouchable, never ending. We think our ideas are the freshest and that the world better be ready for us.

But not many of us leave behind the legacy that Adam Yauch did. Between the work with the Beasties, the Milarepa Foundation, and his film company*, his ideas really were the freshest.

I feel lucky to have grown up with him and I’m just sad to see him gone so soon.

(*Weird. Just saw that his company produced the excellent Maurice Sendak documentary “Tell Them Anything You Want.” RIP Maurice.)

Instagram WISHES It Was This Cool, And Other Things I Learned From A Box of Pictures

I don’t think I’ve shared this on the blog, but I am not currently employed full-time. Or part-time. Or even at all. I hope it won’t stay this way for long but that’s the way it is right now.

So while my kids are at school, I find myself in a strange place where there usually isn’t anything pressing that needs to be done. When you have younger children, there is always – ALWAYS – something that absolutely has to be done, but once the kids are older, the day-to-day urgency of chores lessens a bit. This is all a very long way of getting to my point which is that sometimes I have enjoyable stretches of time to do what I want.

I try to use these found hours to do things I’ve long put off. One project I’ve meant to take on forever is going through my boxes of letters and mementos and seeing what’s actually there.

Today I pulled out a couple of boxes of “special things” and ended up on an all expenses paid tour of Memoryland (Memory Lane is just one small street) that sort of blew my mind. You guys. Here’s what I realized: kids today – yes, I just wrote that – will probably never know the joys of finding a box that contains stacks of pictures and letters and cards. It just won’t happen. Coming across time-stamped and organized emails from your first boyfriend will never be the same as opening a yellowed envelope, holding a letter in your hands, remembering the handwriting. Swiping your fingers across your phone, gazing at the faces of lost loves will never be the same as finding a snapshot tucked into a book. Kids still give each other cards and things (wait, do they?) but there was something truly magic about opening up a box to find a disorganized jumble of memories. Here are a few I found today.

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Proof that I’ve always been an excellent speller, as if I needed that. And wouldn’t you know? They misspelled my name. 

 

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First concert. Awww, yeeeeah.

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My granny was my hero when I was a kid. She was hilarious, salty, and fun – everything I aspire to be! In this picture, Granny is posing next to picket signs made by her neighbors after she hosted a party and didn’t invite them. What a bunch of fun drunks.

An incredibly detailed scrapbook made (out of construction paper!) by my childhood friend, Roxanne. We are still close and we always remember the intensity of friendships between girls before they discover boys. A lovely example.

An incredibly detailed scrapbook made (out of construction paper!) by my childhood friend, Roxanne. We are still close and we always remember the intensity of friendships between girls in those years before they discover boys. This is a lovely example.

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My dad and me at my high school graduation. He was actually very handsome, even though he’s making a weird face here. I don’t have many pictures of us together so this is a treasure. Sidenote: It makes me want to cry that I thought I was fat then.

Double exposures! A roll of film in which a baseball game showed through in pictures of my wedding. Instagram WISHES it could do this.

Double exposure! A roll of film on which pictures of a baseball game, a backyard pool party AND my wedding were shot. Instagram WISHES it was this cool.

More after the jump. Continue reading

So This Is What Courtney Love’s Been Up To

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Hey there, Crazy.

When I go too long without some C. Love in my life, things get boring.

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Kurt’s just clownin’. He’s not really afraid of her.

Full disclosure: I’m a big, big fan. I think Court is bonkers, crackers, bananas, a wack job, cuckoo, a few sandwiches short of a picnic, insane in the membrane, etc. – and I LOVE HER FOR IT! It’s rare to see someone who cares so little about making herself seem normal and acceptable. And in addition to all those things, she is also smart, witty, and the woman behind one of my favorite albums of all time, Hole’s Live Through This. (Don’t kid yourself: it sounds as fresh today as it did then.) And she was married to my boyfriend Kurt Cobain, whom she did not kill, despite whatever misinformation you may have gotten.

This advertisement “web series” for NJOY electronic cigarettes is officially bringin’ Courtney back – yeah! Them other Courtneys don’t know how to act! (Sorry, got carried away.) The actress who is not Courtney Love is notably terrible, which makes it that much more wonderful when Courtney croaks out, “Relax.” Ah, where have you been, girl?

Yeah, she’s “back” selling e-cigarettes, but a check is a check. Git money, gurrrl!

 

All GIF Friday!

Is there a way to NOT love this song?

I’M GONNA POP SOME TAGS!

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Aw, little self-absorbed Hannah Horvath finally figured out that she’s tired of trying to experience everything and be cool all the time. It’s called your 20s, kid, and we all grow out of it.

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Sexxxy moves from living cartoon Courtney Stodden.

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If he was your boyfriend, he’d never let you go.

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Here’s Mariah, reminding us how the dismissive smile is really done.

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In case you forgot to loathe Chris Brown today.

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This is how I’m gonna say Justin’s name from now on. Every time.

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My Favorite Moments From the Grammys (That I Totally Did Not Watch)

If I were ever interviewed and asked about the things I consider most important in life, music – what it’s meant to me through out my life – would be in the top three, right up there with family and whatever third thing I would come up with.

But I don’t watch the Grammys. Ever. The Grammys are kind of a ridiculous joke, aren’t they? Rich Juzwiak (here) and Jon Caramanica (here) lay it out better than I ever could.

In general, I don’t watch any awards shows because they are so ridiculously over-the-top. There are only so many things I can hate-watch and awards shows are where I arbitrarily draw the line.

Yup. I draw the line and then I spend an hour the next day piecing together the highlights.

First up, Katy Perry! Pretty sure Ellen’s face looks exactly how mine would look if I got that close to Katy Perry’s amazeballs. I’m pretty sure she’s violating the whole dress code thing but she’s all, “I’m Katy Perry. What’re you gonna do, fine me?”ellen-katy perry

Next up, I have no idea what is going on here. Something about Frank Ocean and Forrest Gump? I’m totally baffled and temporarily distracted. frank-ocean

Highlights, dammit! This is about highlights. Must. Focus.

Oh, Adele! Honey honey honey.

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I’m in two minds about this dress. On the one hand: UGH. On the other hand, as a woman with curves goin’ bam in every direction mahself, I can sympathize with how sick Adele must be of that same slimming black/classic silhouette that they put her in for every public appearance. And I bet that’s exactly what her record company proposed to her and she was probably all, “I’m Adele! What’re you gonna do, force me into another black dress? Bugger off!” Continue reading

What?! You Didn’t Know Lisa Vanderpump was an 80s Music Video Star?

Ugh. I know I’ve fallen behind (damn you, real life!) but I want to thank you, readers, for sticking with me. The best way to thank someone is with a gift, don’t you think?

Well, my gift to you is this 1984 music video for Naked Eyes’ “What in the Name of Love” starring Miss LISA VANDERPUMP! Yup, current star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules, and suprising owner of dat azz.

 

But that’s not all! You can also watch Ms. VDP in ABC’s “Poison Arrow”!

All of us from the early MTV era remember these tunes and these crappy videos. Who knew we were watching a future cable television star?

Back soon!