Category Archives: Real Housewives of Atlanta

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Brains, Booty and All Business

A few brief questions I’d like answered.

1. What is with these people making business deals with NO CONTRACT?!

Has no one on the show ever actually SEEN the show before?! Every single season, housewives in one city or another make some vague business deal. Then the checks are slow and somebody feels wronged. Exhibit A: Kandi and Kim going at it over “Tardy for the Party.” Exhibit B: Sheree and Nene’s bad business deal. Exhibit Everything Else: Sonja and Heather’s dustup over the toaster oven box.

I mean, come on, girls. Get it together!

2. Is Kenya actually trying to float the rumor that Walter is a “downlow brother”?

Because that is just tacky. When her cousin (who needs a bigger bra) said something about how she was “suspicious” of Walter and how “this IS Atlanta, after all”, either she’s just nasty or Kenya’s grubby mitts were pulling the strings.

3. Has anyone actually seen “The New Normal”?

I know the kid who’s Hannah Horvath’s gay ex-bf on “Girls” is in it and Nene is in it. And maybe sometimes Ellen Barkin? That’s the extent of my knowledge. I worry when I see Nene and Gregg dropping so much cash in Hollywood. I was relieved when Nene confirmed that they would not be moving from ATL permanently.

4. Is Kenya’s patchwork ombre hair intentional?

I just wanted to use the phrase “patchwork ombre” coined by my soul sisters, Two Winey Bitches.

But look:Screen Shot 2013-01-15 at 6.09.43 PM

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Unanswered Questions from This Week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta

Normally, I can think of at least five things I need to know more about after every episode. But this week was such a SNOOZER! I’m gonna need the ATL crew to step it up! With Kim gone and everyone acting pretty normal and happy, the storylines are getting boring. And no, Cynthia’s attempts to be sassy and Kenya’s need for mental health services are not helping.

But! I did manage to come up with a few.

1.  Has anyone anywhere ever mistaken Kenya for Beyonce?

I’m giving Kenya’s story a big Phaedra-style side-eye. I know people are easily fooled – and Kenya does have a top-quality weave – but Beyonce? Really?!

Oh, realllly?

Oh, realllly?

I could watch Porsha’s reaction all day.

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5 Unanswered Questions from This Week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta

The crew is back in the A! Thank ya, Jesus, because I couldn’t take any more of a certain housewife’s embarrassing ring grab. This episode was refreshingly light on the Krazy.

As always, though, I have questions the show did not answer.

Let’s get to it.

1. Have you ever witnessed a grosser make-out than Phaedra and Apollo’s?

I mean, I guess if the blogs start saying your marriage is in trouble, the best way to combat it is just straight GNAWING on each other’s faces? Apollo looked hongray for Phaedra’s tongue, didn’t he?! Dial it down, y’all! Eww.

YUMMY!

YUMMY!

2. When did Cynthia decide to give up on the whole “classy” thing?

It seems comical now (well, more comical) that Cynthia’s intro is “Beauty fades. But class is forever.” She seems to have decided she’s some kind of bad bitch, always stirring things up and making nasty little asides. In Atlanta, everybody knows (® Phaedra) that the Clermont Lounge is an institution. You don’t go in there making stink faces at the strippers of a certain age. She and Peter were both disrespectful asshats and really should have been thrown out. Cynthia, we know you’re grasping at relevance, but try to be a little more subtle, ‘k?

Classy, Cynthia. Very classy.

Classy, Cynthia. Very classy.

Phaedra – as always – saved the scene with her smiling gaze at the dancers and her voiceover that seeing older women loving their nude bodies was “just scrumptious!”

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Nene and Me: Reunited and It Feels So ‘Hood

Last week’s recap was all about Kenya and to be honest, I felt kind of dirty afterward. You guys, she is just awful and I regret the attention I’ve given to her antics. As Evelyn Lozada would say, she’s “thirsty.” We need to let her stay that way for awhile. Besides, she’s busy suing bloggers and coming after Walter for telling the truth on her.

Enough! Let’s move on to the person who is becoming my breakout favorite (again) this season: Ms. Nene Leakes! Yes, Nene, who was such a mean old raisin face (™Porsha Stewart) for awhile, is more centered, easygoing, and plain old fun again this season.
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nene_long_weave

Remember THIS Nene?

It may surprise you to learn that Atlanta is the undisputed ratings leader of the Real Housewives franchises. By far far. In that first season, it wasn’t DeShawn (remember her?) or Lisa Wu Hartwell or She by Sheree that drew the viewers. It was the Lucy and Ethel antics of Nene and Kim, right?

But as time went on, the two of them got famous and as famous people do, they got weird and bitchy. They both became a lot less fun. They became unlikeable, really.

Kim stayed that way, as far as I’m concerned. I get that she’s supposed to be so happy with her new man and her new family but she still seems like the most miserable happy person I’ve ever seen.

In Nene’s defense, she went through some pretty rough times. Her loser older son gave her all sorts of problems (did you know she suddenly became grandma last spring?). Her long marriage unraveled quickly and publicly. And she got very rich, bitch! Well, you know what they say: mo’ money, mo’ problems. That kind of rapid life change makes people a little nuts. (And really, how else to explain Nene’s dalliance with that greasy ole creeper, John?)

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5 Unanswered Questions: All Kenya Edition

I don’t know about you but I thought Sunday’s Real Housewives of Atlanta was filmed live on location in SNOOZEVILLE. So boring!

Except for the antics of Miss USA 1947, Kenya Moore.

Let’s get started on the questions I need answered, shall we?

1. Has Walter hired extra security yet?

In Atlanta, everybody knows (as Phaedra would say) that Walter gave an interview on The Frank and Wanda Show and he totally blew up Kenya’s spot. He told Frank Ski and Wanda Smith that he dated Krazy Kenya for a couple of months – over three years ago! When Kenya was approached to do the show, she called Walter “out of the blue” to offer him a position as her fake boyfriend. She said the money was easy and his towing business would get good exposure. (Um . . . ok.) Walter’s friends advised him to do it for fun, but shit got real when Kenya started pressing for a ring.

Two bits of advice, Walter: get new friends and hire round-the-clock security. Kenya’s comin’ for you. Trust.

2. Did Kenya really think people would believe her “marriage” storyline?

She can’t possibly have thought she could keep this ruse going, right? Imagine being on a getaway to Anguilla with your boyfriend and a few other couples. Would he be cool with you proposing a three-way with one of the couples, asking the owner of the house if he had ever donated to a sperm bank, and then doing the full-on “bend over to the front, touch ya toes!” routine up against yet another woman’s husband? ON CAMERA?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

3. Is Kenya abusing drugs and/or alcohol?

Because that is the only possible explanation for this:

kenya fabulous

gone with the wind fabulous

4. How did Phaedra keep herself from punching Kenya “in her face” when she suggested the threesome?

Phaedra side eye

Phaedra’s side eye is unmatched.

Phaedra really is the consummate Southern belle, isn’t she? Brains, booty, all business, and able to resist knocking a bitch out.

5. Did Bravo’s producers know they struck gold when Kenya came along?

I really, really dislike Kenya. I think she is actually “in need of treatment” crazy, not just Housewives crazy. And yet. The amount of space I’ve donated to her alone, makes me think her crazy might be more like a fox.

This week was boring (except for Porsha and Kenya’s meeting of the minds) but next week’s episode looks good. Why? Nene on a horse.

Photo: bravotv.com
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Real Housewives of Atlanta: This Week’s 5 Unanswered Questions

Whoa!

I learned a lot from last night’s episode of RHOA. For example, there are people who have their OB/GYN’s direct number programmed into their phone, and they are able to use it to call said doctor, who will pick up on the first ring to confirm that hot tubs are not a good fit with vaginas. Also? Kenya is not just a little wacky. She is BANANAZ.

So even though some things were cleared up, like always, I’m still scratching my head over a few others. This week’s questions. . .

1. Okay, I have said this before, but when is Phaedra getting her own show?!

Wow. Everybody knows how much I love PP, but last night was one of her best ever episodes. Her reason for not entering the hot tub? “There’s nothing wrong with that water. It’s the penises and vaginas that have been IN that water.” That is GOLD. Her disapproval over Kenya “rubbing her funky booty on [Peter’s] genitalia”? She is way, way too much woman for an ensemble show. I’ll expect a call back from Andy Cohen any minute.

On a side note, I really felt badly for Phaedra when that foolishness between Kenya and Apollo went down. I think we’ve all been in situations like that, where some crazy person with boundary issues starts causing trouble. I’m sure Phaedra will handle it next week but I did feel her pain.

#notcool

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: This Week’s 5 Unanswered Questions

So, Phaedra accidentally donkey-booty dialed Nene. Phaedra describes donkey bootyNene heard Phaedra say not nice things about Cynthia, so of course she had to go tattle to Cynthia. Whatever. Cynthia-centered plot lines bore the stuffing outta me and this is no exception. Also, Kim is moving out of the “haunted house” and Porsha made breakfast and Kenya is nuts.

But there are still some questions I’d like answered from last night’s episode.

1. Has Walter really never seen Kenya’s backyard?

That’s not a metaphor. I’m pretty sure that when she invited him over for the microwaved Trader Joe’s homemade dinner, he made some comment about how nice it was back there, indicating he had never seen the back deck. She also made some apologizing noises about the stairs. Is this the first time this poor sucker has been to his girlfriend’s house? Does she actually live there? And is she seriously talking about wanting a baby with this guy? And does she think the basis of a good marriage is perpetrating the lie that you can cook? And doing it badly (strands of pasta in a grill pan)? That was way more than one question but I’m truly flummoxed by Kenya’s crazy ass.

2. Did Porsha just say “fraudulent slip”?

Because I’m pretty she did. Explaining to her husband about accidentally calling Kenya Miss America, she described it as a fraudulent slip. Okay. This means that she not only doesn’t know the word is Freudian, she also misunderstands the whole concept. “Freudian slip” is not exactly an uncommon phrase, right? I mean, I think even eighth graders use it properly. But in the preview for next week, Porsha describes her organization as not about feeding the hungry only on Thanksgiving; they are “active 265 days a year.” So yeah. Continue reading

Oh, Dear. We Need to Talk About These New Housewives

Because my gay boyfriend Andy Cohen likes to mix things up, he’s added a couple of new, ahem, “ladies” to the lineups of Beverly Hills and Atlanta. Although there’s not a chance I would ever be friends with any of them, I’m afraid they’re gonna make great TV. Le sigh.

Yolanda Foster ::

Yolanda Hadid FosterSo, this Yolanda person is married to frequent Grammy winner David Foster. I feel like he’s part of that very weirdly incestuous Hollywood crowd that includes Linda Thompson, who dated Elvis and was married to Bruce Jenner. And is the mom of uber-bro Brody Jenner. I think maybe she was married to David Foster but I don’t feel like looking that up.

Anyhoo, Yolanda. Um, I think she may have had some work done. Maybe. She claims she’s 48. [EDITED to remove not nice statement about her appearance.] So far, she bores. It appears that at some point this season she goes off on someone, somewhere, for some reason. She better not go after my Brandi or we’re gonna have a problem.

 

 

 

Porsha Stewart ::

Porsha Stewart, Real Housewives of AtlantaAnother one who’s married to someone extremely famous. I know nothing about football – less than nothing, actually – but even I know who Kordell Stewart is. He is a legit famous person! Porsha hasn’t appeared in an episode yet so I can’t say a whole lot about her. Except! In that extended trailer for the new season, she appears to receive a check for “Two huddred thousan DOLLERS!” from her husband. Um, that check better be for charity. Otherwise, they are tackier than I even imagined.

Porsha Stewart, Kordell Stewart, Atlanta, home

This portrait in the Stewart home tells me all I need to know about these two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kenya Moore ::

Kenya Moore, Atlanta, Real HousewivesThis one. When I see her face, I imagine George Takei’s famous “Oh, myyy.”

She seems thoroughly awful. And I know I said this before, but I think she is probably the only cast member whose food may have been spit into more than Ramona Singer’s. And her “cakes”? There is not even a chance those are real. Which brings me to something I’ve often wondered about. Women don’t seem embarrassed to admit to breast implants. But no one ever admits their “donkey booty” (© Phaedra Parks) is store-bought. Why?

Speaking of Phae, it would appear that something untoward goes down between her hubs, Apollo and Krazy Kenya. Grr. Do NOT mess with Miss Phaedra, Kenya. I will personally come after you.

 

Cynthia Bailey gif

I agree, Cynthia. Enough!

What about you, readers? Do you like these chicks? Do you think I’m gonna need to organize a gang to defend Phaedra against Krazy Kenya?

Photos: Bravtotv.com
Gif: Realitytvgifs.tumblr.com 

Throwin’ Shade and Spillin’ Tea: Miss Lawrence and Derek J Need Their Own Show

OH MAH GAH!

Please please please, someone out there tell me you watched The Hairstylists Tell All??!

Miss-Lawrence-Derek-JI had it on my DVR for about 2 weeks before I actually got bored enough found the time to watch it. All I can say is Andy Cohen, you are a GENIUS!

Watching it, all I could think was what a great weekly show it would make. Miss Lawrence and Derek J should have 30 minutes after every new episode of Atlanta to break it DOWN for the rest of us. Andy, are you listening?

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Drag Versions of Nene and Sheree Disturbingly Similar to Actual Nene and Sheree

This is the kind of dedication to one’s art that I can really get behind.

Watch Latrice Royale and DiDa Ritz in a shot-for-shot reenactment of Sheree and Nene’s Season 4 fight in which Nene delivered the now classic line, “I’m very rich, bitch.”

It’s a little frightening how closely their version resembles the original.

And now I suddenly need to listen to Erykah Badu.

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