Category Archives: Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Real Housewives of New Jersey :: This Week’s 5 Unanswered Questions

Let’s just get right to it.

I love my housewives, but when New York, New Jersey and Atlanta go dormant, I have none to watch! That’s because I had to completely stop watching O.C. – the shrieking finally hit the tipping point. It was one Tamra squeal too many. Thank ya, Jesus (© Melissa Gorga) Two Winey Bitches write such awesome recaps every week so I can keep up without having to actually watch them on my television. Because that gives me more time to exercise. HAHAHA JK LOL.

So I’m glad the Jersey girls are back. But as always, Bravo has left me scratching my head over a few moments from this week’s show.

1. Is Joe Giudice the worst person on television?

I am the actual worst.

I am the actual worst.

Because I’m pretty sure he is. He is just beyond. Based on his antics during the premiere, it looks like he is grosser than ever. I guess if you can get away with calling your wife a See You Next Tuesday in a phone call to your girlfriend, have it broadcast all over the country, and still have your wife sing your praises, you can pretty much write your own douchey ticket. Let’s see: he called Melissa “Horsey Face” to Milania (after describing Melissa as “4 going on 6” – what does that even mean?!), he used the word “drownded”, he got drunk at dinner with his wife and said she was lookin’ better every beer (my translation), and worst of all, he used the phrase “stank ass beeyotch.” Yes, Joe, you are a straight thug. Your cutting edge street vernacular reflects how gangsta you are. #thingsthatweretruein1999

2. Does Caroline have a crush on Joe Gorga?

It was a tiny bit strange when she invited him for coffee – which obviously Melissa noticed – but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was gonna go ahead and buy her “I’m a big sister, just helping out” line. But that look she gave him as they were saying goodbye after the coffee date? Uh, hold up, Caroline. Get back in your lane. You don’t want it with Melissa.

3. Was this the only analogy Jacqueline could come up with? Continue reading

Bolt Your Tables to the Floor, Jersey: Danielle Is Coming Back!

Even though Andy denies it, word on the gossip rag street is that Danielle is coming back to The Real Housewives of New Jersey. You heard it here first! Or, maybe like third, but still.

Danielle! Listen girl, if it’s true you’re coming back, please PLEASE bring Danny with you. Everyone, you remember Danny, right? Danielle’s hilariously awesome “bodyguard”?

Danielle, I had NO idea how much I’d miss you! You brought such utterly charming self-delusion to the show. I mean, it’s one thing to be deluded enough to think your neon-colored pre-made bellinis are gonna be the next Skinnygirl margaritas (looking at you, Teresa). But it takes some next level delusion to think you’re gonna take the music world by storm with talents like yours. Beware: extreme fierceness and dazzling production values ahead!

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but one of the dancers – the one who isn’t the chunk or the ferociously sexy one – resembles a very low-budget Channing Tatum (aka the Sexiest Man Alive), who is himself a low budget version of someone I can’t quite place.

Speaking of C-Tates, this gave me the LOLz:

Teresa Giudice flipping table

Watch out, Teresa. Danielle’s comin’ for you.

One last thing, Danielle. If you could put me in touch with those dancers, I would love to have them perform at my next party. They seem comfortable performing their breath-takingly sexxxay moves in small spaces. I think my front porch might be just right.

New Jersey Reunion Part 1: What Just Happened?

I’m still processing everything that went down last night during the Jersey reunion. Yeesh.

Actually, what “went down” was essentially nothing. Nothing was resolved, nothing was mended, nothing was even discussed, really. It was just Teresa vs. everyone else. As Aviva would say, this is getting old, quite frankly.

So, here’s my recap of Reunion Part 1: (read it with an eye roll in your voice)

Kathy’s new face, Teresa’s pageant dress, Teresa hates everyone, Caroline is indignant, everyone hates Teresa, Jacqueline is crying, miracle baby, hott Lauren, “napalm!”, Melissa is over it, “Your mother’s a liar,” muffled shouting.

The source of the shouting? That would be Rosie! Yes, Kathy’s sister. Teresa’s cousin. Sounds like Rosie took issue with Teresa’s unkind statement about Rosie and Kathy’s dad.

Um, I would think that by now Teresa would know: ROSIE DON’T PLAY.

In Part 2, I’m sure everybody will calm down. They’ll take a breath. They’ll engage in loving conversations that bring them back to what’s really important: family.  

Or not.

Gifs: RealityTVGifs

It’s Time We Talked About the Real HouseHUSBANDS

On Sunday night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rich Wakile, husband of Kathy Wakile, explained in a voiceover that his favorite dessert is Kathy. Why? Because “it tastes like fish, and always gets the job done.” Ugh. Barf. It almost broke Twitter, especially when Rich himself tweeted that he was talking about something else and Bravo edited it. Riiight. Side eye, Rich, side eye.

It got me thinking about how many of the husbands on these shows are either comical, revolting, or both. (Like always, I’m ignoring those tricks in Miami.They offer nothing except Mama Elsa. Snooze.) For the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the shows currently airing.

Let’s begin.

Rich Wakile :: The Embarrassment

The comment about tasting like fish was only the most recent of Rich’s antics. From using the phrase “cake blocker” in one of his wife’s business meetings, to asking for a tampon (“My wife just cut my balls awf!”) in another, to the blurred-out boner on the Napa trip, Rich is one gross-out after another. And I won’t even comment on the popped collars.

Joe Gorga :: The Meatball

Teresa’s wee musclebound brother was first introduced to us in the infamous Christening episode. He came off like a scary, drunk roid-rager. Calling his sister “garbage”, throwing punches, and howling in Italian to their father “I’m ya SON!”, he seemed pretty awful. Telling the viewers he needs sex every day to “release the poison” did nothing to increase his likability. But I have to admit that like a rare Jersey fungus, Joey G. has grown on me. I find his unflagging support for Melissa’s “singing career” and his seemingly genuine desire to make things right with his sister and her family to be endearing. Charming, even. I think under the excessive waxing and tanning, there beats a good heart. Continue reading

6 Loosely-Related Thoughts on This Week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey”

I’ve got about 65 things I need to be doing right now. What better time to reflect on the trials and triumphs of my pals in New Jersey? Let’s get right to it.

1. Confession: I like Melissa Gorga. A lot. Part of it is that I can’t stand Teresa. I feel like Melissa has tried harder – at least in front of the cameras – to mend things in their family. But there’s also something about Melissa, something I can’t put my finger on, that reminds me so much of my sister-in-law. Whom I adore. For that reason, I can’t be objective about anything MG does! Hating the camping/hiking/canoeing thing was SO my SIL! When she said she’d prefer to stay on the shore and “keep it sexy in [her] bedazzled bikini”, all I could think of was my Jenn. If Teresa had said it, it would have annoyed me. There. I said it. This is TV. Opinions don’t have to make sense.

2. Joe Gorga’s body confidence baffles me! And maybe charms me? A little? He takes every opportunity to show his peen (which I think we know after last night is fully waxed, ew). He’s a 5 foot tall meatball and he loves shucking his clothes!  It’s endearing in a way … except that he’s someone’s dad. It’s cute now, but he will become just as embarrassing as Aviva’s dirty ol’ dad. Trust.

Continue reading

Put these A**holes in their Place, Milania!

Holy cow! Have you seen the Real Housewives of New Jersey Facebook page today? It’s blowing up with absolutely vile comments about Milania. Jezebel has an impressively well-researched piece about it (damn, they are thorough). Now, if you’ve read this blog at all, you know I think Milania is the HBIC of that show. Although I wouldn’t let my own kids behave like she does, I find her brattiness 100% hilarious for entertainment purposes. My kid climbing into the produce bins at the grocery store? Oh, HELL naw. Teresa’s gravelly-voiced little princess doing it? Reality TV gold.

However. Let’s remember that this kid is 5 years old! She’s 5! Calling her a “bitch” and a “troll” and saying you’d like to “beat the shit out of her” is so far beyond that I just … really, I don’t even have any words. It makes me feel a little sick to be honest.

Ep. 12: Product Pile-Up on the Jersey Turnpike

The New Jersey cast used to be my favorite. Ah, how I loved that first season!

Who can forget Teresa pulling out that huge wad of cash to pay for her gaudy furniture?

She didn’t even have her “bubbies” yet.

Those early days before the Manzos all had lap-band surgery (except Prince Albie and Critterfur, of course), and when Dina and Danielle were cast members were something special. Growing up in central Florida, where the 2 ethnic groups were “black” and “white”, I’ve always been intrigued by the culture of Italian-Americans. And the Season 1 Jersey-ites did NOT disappoint.

But this season? Meh. And I think I figured out why: THEY’RE ALL SELLING SHIT! Continue reading

Housewife Tweet of the Day

Ok, it’s not technically a housewife. And, if we’re splitting hairs, it’s not from today either. But it IS funny.

The real Milania is Head Bitch in Charge at Casa Jew-dice. As far as I know, she isn’t on Twitter. But my current favorite Twitter feed is TheFauxMilaniaG: “Tweeting all the things you know Milania is thinking.”

Shit’s hilarious.

Milania Giudice: The TRUE Star of the Real Housewives of New Jersey

The New Jersey Housewives frustrate us, don’t they? The ladies of Franklin Lakes can be so inconsistent. Teresa says nothing matters more than family, but behaves in ways that completely contradict her statements. Caroline says life is too short for drama, and then shows up (ta-da!)on Jacqueline’s back deck just in time to insert herself into Teresa and Jacqueline’s friend break up.

But there is ONE character from NJ whose actions are always, always consistent with her words. One cast member who stays “in character” at all times, never distracting us with complicated feelings or nuanced emotion.

That character is Milania.

Milania from Real Housewives of New Jersey

“Get the jerk out!”

Continue reading