What I’m Too Polite to Say to Customer Service People

tumblr_inline_mqeany5TFX1rlb7z7Gah! In the last 10 hours I have been on the telephone for extended periods of time with both Comcast and Aetna.

Both of the people I spoke to made me want to be rude as hell; made me want behave like I had no home training. (“Well, I can certainly understand your frustration, Elisabeth. I will be more than happy to assist you today.”) I remained cordial. But my interior monologue sounded just like Antoine Dodson.

Consider This A Verbal Selfie

Five Things I’m Thinking About Today:

1. Ever since we got back from the beach last week, I’ve put Sublime in heavy rotation. That one album – Sublime, the one that came out right after Brad Nowell died – so perfectly captures the laid back feeling of summer days. Love.

2. Even though I binge-watched the entire series two weeks ago, I can’t stop thinking about Orange is the New Black! I keep Googling stuff about the show, checking the cast’s Facebook pages and stalking them on Instagram. My favorite of the OITNB Instagrammers is Danielle Brooks, who plays Taystee on the show. SHE IS SO ADORABLE I NEED HER TO STOP! (click the pic for a darling video)

3. I am an occasional smoker. There, I said it. Especially when I have a lot on my mind. (Or have had more than a couple cocktails.) I like the feeling of pausing and just watching the smoke for a few minutes while I take a minute to think. I have also heard – and I think maybe it’s true – that smoking is not considered a healthful activity! So I recently decided to switch to e-cigarettes for at least the majority of my smoking occasions.

My review: not as great as actual cigarettes but considerably less likely to kill me, so, ya know, sticking with it ’til I decide it’s just too weird and that smoking actually sucks and I stop all together.

It’s weird how there’s no set end time with an e-cig. With a real coffin nail, there’s a period of time when you’re smoking and then you’re done because you’ve burned it down. Not so with the e-variety.  An I never thought it mattered to me, but the awkward size of the e-cig is, well, awkward. Instead of feeling like this:

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E-cigs feel more like this:

allisonstopalready(Fans of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will recognize this as the awesomely horrible Allison Dubois at Camille’s Dinner Party from Hell. I could watch that episode over and over and over.)

4. I <3 cover songs. I have devoted ridiculous amounts of time to creating playlists made of nothing but covers of great songs – the more unlikely the cover artist/song combo, the better. (Katy Perry’s cover of MGMT’s “Electric Feel”? Perfection.) So I really enjoyed this list of 21 Cover Songs That Make You Realize How Amazing the Originals Were. 

5. Being tan feels so good, you guys. Like smoking, it’s not great for longevity or the long term appearance of one’s skin. But I love having a real true SUN tan so much! I’ve tried spray tanning and it’s a decent substitute for the sun that first April day you decide to rock a skirt without tights. But honestly: nothing beats the freckly golden glow you get from spending a few hours relaxing in the sunshine.

Preferably with an icy Michelada and Sublime bumpin’ on your system.

 

My Eyes Are Just A Little Sweaty Today: Remembering Amy Winehouse

It’s been two years since Amy Winehouse’s shocking (not shocking) death at age 27. I still listen to her music ALL THE TIME and imagine what it would have been like if she had lived a longer life. I mean, damn: even hanging on til 45 gives you a hell of a lot more material to work with.

So I’m reposting the piece I wrote on Intown Confidential right after she died. Even if you don’t read it, take a minute and watch her sing one of my favorites. When she breaks at around 1:20 – well, just watch . . .

July 23, 2011
So, Winehouse didn’t make it. Couldn’t keep up the fight any longer. Since she was such a tabloid dream, we all saw the dangerous signs of a life in total chaos, but somehow her early death still shocks and saddens. Her music was so meaningful to me and I want to remember her here.
I first heard her sing when “Rehab” was offered as a free iTunes download. I knew nothing about her, and I don’t make a habit of using iTunes to discover new singers but she intrigued me. I admit at first it was her look more than anything else that made me pay attention. That insane beehive, those crazy tats, the pencil skirts? I liked this girl’s style so I gave it a listen. It seems ill-timed to describe my feeling upon hearing her sing as something like addiction but it really was like what people say that first hit of meth is like: “I want more! Now! Again!” I couldn’t get enough of her and I felt something I hadn’t felt since I fell in love with Joni Mitchell in junior high.
Mark Ronson was the perfect producer for her; their relationship reminded me of other explosive artist-producer pairings that brought out the best in both. Her sultry voice with his 60s soul style production – mixed with improbably modern lyrics about her lover making her miss the Slick Rick gig – were intoxicating to me.
I remember throwing around her word (“fuckery”) all through the fall of ’07. Despite what were seemingly enormous differences between us – an about to be 40 mom of two and a superstar trainwreck – I felt like we knew each other in some way. Despite outward appearances, I heard her and knew I had some Amy in me. The way she sang about love and life felt so true and courageous. I admired her recklessness and tattered beauty. Like everyone else, I was sort of fascinated at the paparazzi photos of her in her grimy ballet slippers and running makeup. I wasn’t clutching my pearls, though. In a weird way, I loved her refusal to be anything other than her messy, raw self. In a world in which stars don’t even wear crazy get-ups to the Oscars anymore (I miss you, Cher!) there was something exhilarating about her unwillingness to hide her pain. Continue reading

Here’s How to Be George Clooney’s Next Ex-Girlfriend

"Sometimes I wanna kiss ma'self."

“Sometimes I wanna kiss ma’self.”

You may have heard that George Clooney broke up with his most recent ladypiece, Stacy Keibler. Cloons and Keibs were together for about 2 years – which is pretty standard for him. Anyone who’s been paying attention knew she was about to get her walking papers based on a few key mistakes she made.

With George being A.) indisputably foxy and B.) on the market, here are my handy steps to becoming his next ex-girlfriend. You may be asking yourself why, if I know how to do it, I’m not going after G. Cloons myself. Well, maybe some people think a villa on Lake Como, meals in the world’s best restaurants, fabulous designer clothing and getting it on with one of the world’s sexiest men sounds good. Meh. To me, a quiet night with Bravo and leftover Thai in my “yoga” pants on the couch is the height of glamor. So let my years of research benefit you!

1. Be a conventionally sexxxy woman.

"Sorry uggos and fatties. NO GEORGE FOR YOU!"

“Sorry, uggos and fatties. NO GEORGE FOR YOU!”

I bet George is a very cool guy. I think he is probably smart and interesting, and hearing about his pranks on the set makes me think he brings the LOLZ from time to time. But let’s be really real here for a second. George probably doesn’t even see your face unless you breathe the rarified air of the fantastically gorgeous. I’m not saying G-Money doesn’t care about your personality – he totally thinks you’re awesome, girl! – but I’m pretty sure that if your personality doesn’t come wrapped in a smokin’ hot package, you’re invisible to him. So. Eat your salad, no dessert / Get that man you deserve.

2. Do not have a career you care about.

Clooney dates waitresses, students, and other waitresses. Although this Stacy Keibler character was some sort of WWE personality, and he’s dated a few chicks who were C-listers in Europe, George keeps it simple. George Clooney is not coming home from the set of Oceans 47 to ask you how your conference call went. He doesn’t want you to “lean in”. Pretty sure he just wants you to “lay back.” HI-YOOO! Continue reading

Hey, Paula! Louis CK and Chris Rock Need to Talk to You

Oh, Paula.

There’s a lot I want to say about Paula Deen and her bizarre, out-of-touch old person apology from earlier today. In fact, there’s a lot I want to say about some pretty major apologies this week – Exodus International, Kickstarter and yes, America’s twinkly-eyed racist grandma.

Before I get that all squared away, though, I feel like maybe besties Chris Rock and Louis CK can start the conversation. Here’s Chris on if it’s okay for white people to say that word.

And here’s Louis CK on why if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole.

At the moment, there are so many somehow related thoughts swirling around my head regarding this week’s apologies, Kanye’s insanely misogynistic but incredibly brilliant “Yeezus”, Jesse Jackson being as out of touch in a “bless his heart” way as Paula, Patton Oswalt’s blog post about rape jokes and – of course – the Kimye baby’s name.

I will get it all into a coherent train of thought, but right now it’s Friday night and I’ve got a life to live (Damn! What do you people want from me?!) so it’s gonna have to wait.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy talking about racism in the easiest way possible: the ha-has.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E Became Final Today

And that’s that.

Received my Final Judgment and Decree of Divorce in the mail today. In the eyes of the Superior Court of Fulton County in the State of Georgia, it is considered “that the marriage contract heretofore entered into between the parties in this case, from and after this date, be, and is set aside and dissolved as fully and effectually as if no such contract had ever been made or entered into.”

So. As of June 10, 2013 our union is legally dissolved as if it never happened. For us, it’s been dissolved for quite awhile. We’ve been living apart for almost exactly two years. In our minds and our kids’ minds, we’ve been divorced since sometime in April of 2012 when we decided to call it quits after a year of separation. Legal stuff has never mattered much to us anyway. We consider our anniversary to be April 4, 1992 since that’s the day we stood before family and friends and entered into a marriage. We found out later that a ship’s captain is only allowed to legally marry people when they are out at sea – whoops! – so we had to go to the courthouse sometime in September (I truly don’t know the date) to make it “official.”

Ours has been a drawn out divorce, but not an acrimonious one. It took so long mainly because it was such a big decision to really and truly pull the plug. Also because we are both exceedingly lazy and with no beach houses or Ferraris to fight over, we took our time. Our lawyers told us that ours was one of the most civil and respectful settlements either of them had ever seen. We didn’t know how to take that. I’m sure they meant it as a compliment, but we’re not trying to get good at divorcing each other so, uh, thanks?

Why am I sharing this? I try hard to keep this blog superficial and fun. I guess I’m sharing it because, well, it’s big. Even after two years, it kinda lays me out that it’s really all over. But no matter what the court says, it DID happen: a contract was entered into and it was entered into in good faith by all parties. I hope the two people who share us as parents always feel assured that they were created from real true love and from the sincerest desire that the marriage would last forever. I know it’s a little melodramatic (so am I) but I guess I want people to bear witness.

I’ve said before that I often follow Hemingway’s directive to “write drunk, edit sober.” Tonight I’m not drunk, but I’m not gonna wait to publish because I might just change my mind. I’m sad, happy, wistful, excited, somber, stunned and hopeful – all at the same time. Tomorrow, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming. For tonight, let’s pour out a little Henny for something that happened and is over now. As Mike Skinner (The Streets) says in Empty Cans, “Something that was not meant to be is done / And this is the start of what was.”

How About We…Rant About Dating (With GIFs!)

Since my divorce, my friends have been hassling me to get out there and go on dates. In general, I’m like:tumblr_inline_mnff9qdsKt1qz4rgpI know everyone means well, but the reality is that I’m pretty happy on my own. This is the first time in my adult life I’ve been single and I kind of love it! I really feel good about where I am right now!

tumblr_m6y5xifLJH1qjzveqo1_500I’ve already spent enough time on Match.com to know it’s not for me, at least not for now. But I read about a site called HowAboutWe.com and I was kind of intrigued. The idea is that you post a date that sounds fun to you – mine was the Paella 101 class at Barcelona – and then people can respond if they think they might want to go on that or some other date with you. The idea that I might meet someone fun based more on what we both want to do rather than on strict criteria like “Agnostic over 6 feet tall and under 50 with kids” sounded somewhat appealing to me. Or at least less awful.

So I decided to try it. And here are some of the actual date suggestions. Please to enjoy.

“How about we… go to dinner, movie, a walk in park and take a carrots ride.”

nene wineOhhh, here we go! How about you learn to proofread?

“How about we… Throw burritos at sidewalk joggers while driving.”tumblr_m5f366PIBa1qk8dyk

Ha. Ha. You are very clever, aren’t you?

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey :: This Week’s 5 Unanswered Questions

Let’s just get right to it.

I love my housewives, but when New York, New Jersey and Atlanta go dormant, I have none to watch! That’s because I had to completely stop watching O.C. – the shrieking finally hit the tipping point. It was one Tamra squeal too many. Thank ya, Jesus (© Melissa Gorga) Two Winey Bitches write such awesome recaps every week so I can keep up without having to actually watch them on my television. Because that gives me more time to exercise. HAHAHA JK LOL.

So I’m glad the Jersey girls are back. But as always, Bravo has left me scratching my head over a few moments from this week’s show.

1. Is Joe Giudice the worst person on television?

I am the actual worst.

I am the actual worst.

Because I’m pretty sure he is. He is just beyond. Based on his antics during the premiere, it looks like he is grosser than ever. I guess if you can get away with calling your wife a See You Next Tuesday in a phone call to your girlfriend, have it broadcast all over the country, and still have your wife sing your praises, you can pretty much write your own douchey ticket. Let’s see: he called Melissa “Horsey Face” to Milania (after describing Melissa as “4 going on 6” – what does that even mean?!), he used the word “drownded”, he got drunk at dinner with his wife and said she was lookin’ better every beer (my translation), and worst of all, he used the phrase “stank ass beeyotch.” Yes, Joe, you are a straight thug. Your cutting edge street vernacular reflects how gangsta you are. #thingsthatweretruein1999

2. Does Caroline have a crush on Joe Gorga?

It was a tiny bit strange when she invited him for coffee – which obviously Melissa noticed – but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was gonna go ahead and buy her “I’m a big sister, just helping out” line. But that look she gave him as they were saying goodbye after the coffee date? Uh, hold up, Caroline. Get back in your lane. You don’t want it with Melissa.

3. Was this the only analogy Jacqueline could come up with? Continue reading

“Tan Mom” Made a Music Video Because The World Can Always Get Weirder

imagesRemember the “Tan Mom”? Of course you do. She was accused of putting her 5-year-old daughter in (on?) a New Jersey tanning bed. She was a meme for a hot second, both defending herself and wildly screaming at reporters and photographers that they were “all fat losers!”

If you thought she just went back to transforming herself into a human strip of Turkey Jerky, you are incorrect. She’s back and she’s”the cool one.”

Warning: you will require some sort of eye-wash station following the viewing of this video, so start getting that ready now. Or better yet, some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type thing that erases your memory. Because what you are about to watch cannot be unseen.

A short list of things you’ll see in this “music” video:

  • doughy young gay men writhing around with and on Tan Mom
  • the inexplicable presence of a young woman with a blonde wig who “dances” with the soft gay men
  • production values that make the average 3rd grader’s PowerPoint on rocks and minerals look like Scorcese
  • Tan Mom in a Party City wig declaring she is “hotter than the Octomom” while having her boobs groped
  • choreography that took under 6 minutes to learn
  • what a $35 wardrobe budget looks like
  • rhyming of “drop my top” with “Mazel TOFF” (yes: toff)
  • at 2:01, a complete “I quit this bitch” to even pretending to lipsync
  • a podium featuring the presidential seal of the United States
  • a woman in the late stages of severe alcohol and possibly drug abuse who, in a better world, would use the profits from this video to pay for a stay in rehab. (Oh. Wait. There won’t be profits.) 🙁 *sad face forever*

 

Sometimes the world seems like a terrifying hellscape.

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mugshot: The Smoking Gun
gif: tumblr

You Guys, I’m Pretty Sure Angelina Jolie Didn’t Cut Off Her Boobs for Money or Publicity

I’m loosely affiliated with a group of mid-life bloggers called Generation Fabulous. By “loosely affiliated” I mean that I was invited to join the group after a friend of a friend who is one of the group’s founders read my post about Match.com. I was and am thrilled to be a part of the group. I don’t post with them very often, primarily because I still think I’m in my late 30s (which I definitely am not) rather than in mid-life. This is my own issue, not proud of it, blah blah blah. Also, I mostly write about superficial stuff and my posts about being annoyed by Beyonce and Gwyneth’s friendship don’t look too good next to pieces about caring for our aging parents.

Even though I don’t post much, I love what the Gen Fabbers are doing and I think it’s cool that marketers are starting to pay attention to this very influential demographic. Until recently it seemed like they were only interested in mommy bloggers. I like to keep up with what’s happening and there is some really great writing happening in the group.

One of the ways I keep up is via a group Facebook page. This morning, someone posted a link to a site which claims to have “proof” that Angelina Jolie’s double mastectomy was “part of a clever corporate scheme to protect billions in BRCA gene patents and influence Supreme Court decision.”

Say what?

Continue reading