Tag Archives: bad idea

Jessica Biel’s Restaurant or “Bye Felicia”: Which One’s Worse?

Let’s play a little game.

I’m going to tell you about two things, and you’re going to tell me which one is worse. Ready? Okay, here we go.

1. Jessica Biel is planning to open an “exclusive, organic restaurant for kids”

If your first thought was “who?”, welcome to my blog. I like you.

jessica-biel-inside

Jessica Biel seems like the kind of person you’d accidentally sit next to at a party. You would spend the next five minutes nodding your head and pretending to listen. And wondering why she’s here. In fact, Jessica Biel’s entire celebrity persona can be summed up with “Why is she here?” She’s married to my husband – Justin Timberlake – and I just DO NOT GET IT.

There is just something relentlessly C-list about Jessica Biel-Timberlake. As a heavy consumer of celebrity-related “news”, I put her in the same category as people like Garcelle Beauvais or Lisa Rinna or Jessica Alba and all the people on all the shows on the USA network. Which makes it even funnier that she is the person opening an “exclusive organic restaurant for kids.” Um, what? Is this a thing we need now? Is this a thing the One-Percenters are clamoring for?

This can probably be traced back somehow to Gwyneth. I bet Gwyneth was chillin with Jess one day (Beyonce was busy) and said, “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could take our kids somewhere exclusive to eat? You know, somewhere where we could get away from the, like, riff raff? Somewhere organic. Exclusive and organic.”

Yep. I just figured it out. Jessica Biel saw an opportunity to – literally – sit with the cool kids and she hatched the idea for a place that’s being called a “Soho House for kids.” Blech.

WORST PART: The place is called – no lie – AU FUDGE!

 

cant-even

 

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The Week in Celebrity Vaginas

I probably should have used quotation marks around celebrity because the people I’m talking about are celebrities in the same way people like Ingo Rademacher and Sean Lowe (who?) pass as “stars” on Dancing with the Stars.

So, how about this? Some people that a lot of people are aware of said some stuff about their vaginas and I have some things to say about what they said.

Let’s start with Amerika’s favorite sisters, the Kardashians. I generally try to limit my exposure to Kardashianalia. There are a number of reasons for this but the primary reason is that I CANNOT LISTEN TO THEIR VOICES. Because I love trashy pop culture so much I want to marry it, I know that not watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians leaves a gap in my knowledge base. So I have tried, Lord knows I’ve tried, to watch the show. But I have never made it through a full episode because of those voices. The combination of that flat, nasal whine and using “like” every fourth word makes me feel insane.

Also, Kim’s face freaks me out.

But I am aware of them because DUH. So when I read earlier this week that on their television show, two of the sisters asked a third sister to compare and judge the smell of their vaginas, I thought, “Well, of course. Of course they did!” The way in which the winner was determined is that sisters Kim and Kourtney individually wiped their vaginas with a cloth napkin and then each in turn presented their napkin to sister Khloe for a sniff test.

That’s right: these adult women smeared (sorry!) their essences (again!) on a piece of cloth, which they presented to another adult woman to judge.

Big surpise, Kim was the winner! Know why Kim was the winner? Because Kim getting peed on by a third-tier R&B singer ten years ago is the reason these people are on TV. How is Kim gonna lose?

Here’s my favorite line from the whole thing: “Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p***y?” Khloe rhetorically asks. “Not really, but we’re sisters … if I can’t smell their p***ies, what else am I supposed to do?” Exactly, Khloe! You just summed up sisterhood beautifully! I mean, come on! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Some would argue that Amanda Bynes is even less of a celebrity than the K sisters. We’re splitting (pubic) hairs here, but at least Amanda Bynes had a career as an actress with her own TV show and a movie or two before turning full-time professional car wrecker. Everyone pretty much forgot about her until she started acting all weird and druggy a few months ago. And then she went on Twitter with this lil gem:

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. . .

C Bale WHAT?

Um. I don’t . . . I just . . . WHAT?!

I guess she means she wants to do sex with Drake? But Amanda, WHYYY do you use words as though you’re a non-native English speaker?

Even though we hear the word “vagina” in public more now than we used to, it still pricks up the ears when people talk about their own. It’s sort of a guaranteed attention-grabber.

So, to you, masochistic Amanda Bynes and you, sweet-smelling Kartrashians, I say well played. Well played.

Twenty Thousand Emails? Ok, Now I’m Interested

What in the HELL?

After my rant last night about how boring this scandal is, consider my tune changed! Even though the players aren’t as sexy as I would like, this thing just got a lot more interesting.

To recap: The director of the CIA begins an affair with his biographer. She starts getting jealous, worried that another hussy is in the mix. Biographer begins a wackjob intimidation campaign against her perceived rival, who is not only a socialite but also a “military liaison” (sometimes the jokes write themselves). While Socialite is receiving these harassing emails from Biographer, she is also busy exchanging an absurd number of emails with another top military man, who is not David Petraeus. Socialite gets spooked by the Biographer’s harassing emails and puts in a call to her pal, who is an FBI agent. Because that’s totally what you do. Agent gets a little overzealous about the situation and at some point, decides to send Socialite a shirtless picture of himself. Everyone’s cover is blown because a player couldn’t stay cool.

Does that sound about right?

Here are a few questions I have:

1. Why do I never see job openings for socialite positions? I would be great at that job.

2. How – how?! – do you exchange that many emails in a roughly two year period? Have these people never heard of sexting?

3. Will we ever be a society in which a woman in power – someone who is about as attractive as Hillary, let’s say – is hotly and a little crazily pursued by a younger, more attractive man who is dazzled by her power and brilliance?

What do you think, readers?

Gawker's Petraeus scandal chart

Gawker’s brilliant infographic

Le Scandale Petraeus Proves We Are Definitely Not France

Uh oh. J’ai fait une erreur.

When my babies’ daddy was here Friday picking up the kids, the David Petraeus story had just broken. We chatted briefly and Dave’s reaction was, “Why the hell is he leaving his job? What does this have to do with his ability to lead the CIA?” I replied that if nothing else, it showed extremely poor judgment and possibly jeopardized national security.

What?! Why did I even say that? I guess I figured the whole story wasn’t out yet; that there must be something big and scary and ugly to it. Maybe there is, but at this point, unless there’s something I don’t know yet – always a safe bet – it makes no sense to me that he is resigning his position.

And it really doesn’t add up when you start to think about what “his position” actually is. This dude runs the CIA. Think about some of the atrocities this organization has been a part of. (Seriously, take a second.) But somehow unauthorized getting down is the part we simply WILL NOT tolerate?

Is the biographer actually a hooker? Is somebody pregnant? Did Petraeus and his ladyfriend dig a shallow grave for a nosy old lady who witnessed a tryst? Were there sex parties at the Saudi Embassy paid for by the US government? Did Petraeus give his side girl human slaves as tokens of love? Because if not, I give this scandal a D-.

Boooring.

Idea: reality show! Let’s bring all the players together in a bland DC apartment and put them through a series of challenges. With drinking! And family secrets! And lots of drinking.

That way, this thing might start to get interesting. Until then, je suis ennuyé.Ryan Reynolds gif

I know I’m making light of this situation and at least 2 families are in ruins because of what happened between a man and a woman. I don’t mean to minimize the pain of anyone directly involved, obviously.

UPDATE: The emergence of the second woman? Now we’re gettin’ somewhere!

Photo credit: Wikipedia
Gif: myfriendsare married.tumblr.com 

How Your Reality TV Sausage Gets Made

As I’ve slowly outed myself as a lover of reality TV – well, some reality TV – one of the things I often hear/read is that it’s all fake, or it’s all scripted, or the producers engineer scenarios. I don’t fully agree with that – most of these people are not good enough actors to convey such real emotions – but I also couldn’t fully disagree. I’ve always wondered how much is real and how much is as fake as Teresa’s tan.

Never thought I’d say this, but thank goodness for Jill Zarin! Good old J-Z was on Watch What Happens Live with Andy the other night, and among many other things, she explained how she engineered her conflict with Bethenney for ratings. Nice work, ding dong! Like so many before her, it seems Jill’s persona as a reality “star” at some point became more real to her than her persona as a “sane person.” I feel a little tiny bit bad for her. Don’t get me wrong: she is bananas. But her breakdown of how the whole conflict with Bethenney played out was actually really interesting. Continue reading

Linked Out :: October 5, 2012

Clearly, you know that if it’s after six and you aren’t in a tux, people will mistake you for a farmer. But this and other helpful 30 Rock wisdom is now in infographic form. (Vulture)

Ew! A pic of Tyra Banks’ hideous, vomit-inducing, gross-me-out muffin top. Click if you dare! (The Frisky)

Hey, who wants to be my partner and dress as SEXXXY Bert and Ernie for Halloween? See, I already did SEXXXY Tinky Winky last year so… (Yandy.com)

Thank you, Ashley, for this collection of the best Honey Boo Boo gifs! (The FW)

Aviva: “Vacation is not the time to be drunk and have fun and laugh!” If you’ve been watching the Real Housewives of New York City this year, you have GOT to watch this 2-minute season recap from the gays guys at TVGasm. (YouTube)

I can’t stop looking at these classic sculptures dressed in modern hipster clothes. (Behance)

The fact that Hulk Hogan has sex tape? Not surprising. Seeing what his hair is like underneath the bandanna? A little surprising, honestly. (Gawker)

 

Don’t Make Room for Daddy: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

Ugh, George is back. Why didn’t he just stay gone? Gross. Here we go.

After the show opens on Aviva and Horny Goat Weed George buying $400 worth of crap in a health food store, we see Sonja returning from a meeting with her husband’s divorce lawyers. She thought she would be talking to him face-to-face but evidently, he just sent the lawyers in to tell her she’s not getting any money. Geez, what do you marry an rich old geezer for if not to get some money out of it? Sonja must have skipped some classes at Gold Digger School. I do feel badly for Sonja here – this whole situation seems sad and ugly and it’s definitely part of the reason for her unraveling. But I think the saddest part of all of it was her coming home and sharing a real sad moment in her life with these 2 interns or whatever the hell they are, and they obviously totally do not give a shit.

“Hey, when you’re done crying, could we maybe talk about me being paid?”

Moving on, we see Heather planning a fashion show to benefit an organization that funds pediatric liver donation. Good for Heather. Seriously. I love Heather and I love that she actually walks the walk. My favorite moment was when Heather asked Aviva to be in the fashion show and you can tell Luann’s all, “Um, hello! Model! Sitting right next to you!

“Oh, grrreat. I’m so happy for you, Aviva. Thanks for cutting in to my camera time.”

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Dance Single “Who Gon Check Me Boo” Exists, World Asks Why

I need to just acknowledge that this is the week of being behind on things I should already know about. First Randy Travis’ arrest and now Sheree’s “music.”

I’d like to bring your attention to a “dance single” by Ms. Sheree Whitfield of The Real (Broke) Housewives of Atlanta.

In Andy Cohen’s book Most Talkative, which I may or may not have read in 2 sittings, he reveals (now it can be told!) that the Atlanta franchise of the show is the ratings title-holder. Seriously, more people watch Atlanta than any of the other real housewives, which is awesome and weird.

But Seasons 1 and 2 were real gems, weren’t they? I’m not sure there’s a more recognizable Housewife line than Sheree’s infamous “Who gon’ check me, boo?” during her showdown with the party planner. When he failed to deliver the level of service this dee-va was expecting for her divorce party (!), Sheree got salty with him. Sassy party planner advised her that she should watch out before she “gets checked.” Oh, you guyyys, Sheree did NOT like that. Take a look. (Sorry for the crummy quality.)

 

And since I can’t resist a gif, here it is again:

Well, Sheree is an expert gold digger and she doesn’t let the opportunity for a check get by her. So she did what any of us would do to make a little cash: turned her line into a “song.”

This is real. You can buy it on iTunes. We live in this world.

If it weren’t for T.Kyle Mac and his fantastic website, I would never have known. Sigh. I need to step it up.

Kim Zolciak Named Her Son Kash Kade. Yes, Really.

The good news: A hearty “Mazel!” to Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann, who welcomed a new baby boy this morning.

The bad news: They named the kid Kash Kade.

It’s always good to hear that a baby is born healthy and that mom and baby are feeling fine. Because then you can start talking shit.

One of my Twitter pals, @TracySlapaho said it best when she tweeted this morning that the name “sounds like Sean Connery talking about Cascade detergent.” I know you’re doing that accent in your head right now and it’s funny, isn’t it? Nicely done, Tracy.

Recently, I watched “Freakonomics” for a second time. If you haven’t seen it, watch it right now. There’s a segment about names and the lifelong effects they can have on people.  We all know certain names evoke strippers (sorry, Brandi and Misti!), some conjure up old ladies (hi, Gertrude and Dolores!) and some make you picture a total dudebro (‘sup, Chad and Blake?). There’s also a fascinating discussion of how some names originate in the upper classes and are later discarded when they trickle down to the Poors.

I’m getting off track but I do have a point to make here. The process of naming a baby is so lengthy and typically well thought-out that I have to wonder what the hell Kim and Kroy were thinking with Kash Kade? Hasn’t Kim been accused over and over again of being a gold digger? You guys, did she actually name her baby son after what she loves most in life??

With all these ‘K’ names, the Biermanns are like a low-budget Kardashian Klan. I predict name changes for Brielle and Arianna in 3, 2…

Linked for Your Pleasure: Best of 8/15/12

  • I can’t fathom the amount of weed and joblessness needed to achieve this:

Mike Brady TV dad

Mike Brady, Dream Dad