Tag Archives: divorce

BREAKING: Chris Martin Consciously Coupling With Costco-Sized Bags of Cheetos

My #FreeChrisMartin movement never really caught on the way it should have but it doesn’t matter now, does it? As you’ve no doubt heard, Chris and Gwyneth are “consciously uncoupling”.

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What’s that? You say “consciously uncoupling” sounds like “divorce”? Wrong! Divorce is for Normals. Divorce is for lazy failures who probably feed their kids breakfast cereal from a box instead of artisanal, locally grown spelt in Malabar chestnut milk, hand-milled by indigenous women. Divorce is for people with office jobs and minivans who drink non-premium beers. Divorce is for people who cook their pizzas indoors. Basically: farmers. (The type Jack Donaghy refers to; not the “young hippies who sell arugula at the market” type.)

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All joking aside, divorce – sorry, “uncoupling” – pretty much sucks. There are bad feelings and painful conversations and months spent wondering how you got from “I do” to “Get the f*** out”. It’s no fun, no matter how well both parties try to behave. There are silver linings, though. One of them is that divorce is sort of The Great Equalizer. No matter how perfectly you try to live your life, when your marriage fails, you’re in the same boat as everybody else.

And that’s exactly where Gwyneth Paltrow heard opportunity knock and told her maid to tell it she wasn’t home. Because announcing the end of a long (by Hollywood standards) marriage was her shot a relatability, something she desperately lacks. It was her shot at erasing statements like “Some days I feel like everyone in the world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired” from public memory.

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Still mad at Bey for this.

But nooope. Gwyneth had the chance to come across like the normal working mom she constantly claims to be and what did she do? She turned the smugness up to 11 by using her lifestyle blog to announce not run-of-the-mill divorce, but organic, expensive, better-than-you “conscious uncoupling”. That’s the reason the Internet exploded in Schadenfreude yesterday. She just makes it impossible to feel for her. She tried to build an empire on telling other people how to live like she does. Gwyneth Paltrow attempted to “curate” a perfect life and found out – like we all do – that life is messy as hell.

So back to Chris. I’m sure he played an equal role in whatever happened between them (no I’m not). But he’s not getting the hate she is. A friend of mine suggested that the marriage ended because she’s an awful person and he’s gay. Nah, I don’t think Chris is gay. I do think Chris Martin is the type of guy who isn’t all that into sex and probably prefers stuff like giving you back rubs and looking meaningfully into your eyes while he strums his guitar for you. He seems like a mellow dude and frankly, it’s very easy to see how a person like that would get completely fed up with the quest for perfection that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s entire existence.

So, Chris? Get INTO it, man. Smoke a blunt, buy gallons of that cheap, foamy ice cream that comes in huge plastic containers. Grab enormous bags of Cheetos! Better yet, buy generic Cheez Puffs. Get some bottom shelf liquor and lose a weekend watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. You deserve it. You’re free.

 

When Celebrity Divorces Attack

Why does it matter to us when two famous people we don’t even know get a divorce?

Short answer: it doesn’t.

But it’s more complicated than that. When it was announced recently that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett were divorcing, I took it about as hard as I’ve taken good friends’ divorces. For a few days, I was actually shocked how often I thought about what went wrong, why they couldn’t work it out, if there was a bad guy, etc. And then last night I heard Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman are getting divorced. Whaaat?! They married in 1982 but had been together since 1971. These people were together for 41 years! They have three grown children!

As a friend said on Facebook, “What on earth could necessitate a divorce after all those years?” Exactly! And who will think of the children? And by the children, I mean US!

In both of these cases – which I know next to nothing about – I actually felt sad. But why?

I think there are a couple of things at play here. For one thing, divorce is always just kind of a bummer. Mine isn’t even final yet – mostly because we are friendly with each other and basically too lazy to make the final push, despite living apart for more than a year. But I’m still grieving it. And so are the people who love me and my family. Even in the best of circumstances like ours, it’s just plain sad. And you know why? Because of weddings.

Goddam weddings! The reason I love them so much – and will cry at a stranger’s nuptials – is that the occasion is so nakedly hopeful. It’s crazy! Lovely and sweet and profound and crazy. Think about it: the deck is stacked against a long marriage. Our life expectancy is double what it was a hundred years ago. Women have financial independence in ways history has never seen before. There’s really no compelling reason to become entangled like that.

And yet we still do it. And it’s heartbreakingly beautiful to see two people beginning a life with shared hopes and dreams for a future together. Every time I witness it, I am full of optimism. Which is why it hurts so much when it ends. It’s not the end of the legal marriage, per se. It’s the death of a very profound hope that is so crushing.

So, there’s that.

Then there’s the star factor. Some people become stars because they are awful and soulless and will crush anyone and anything to get to the top. And other people become stars because they’re awesome. What they do is so rare, or so funny, or just so damn likable that we not only feel we know them, but we like them, too. Both of the couples I mentioned above meet this criteria. Poehler and Arnett are both hilarious and have contributed things to the world that make it better. And Perlman and Devito were not only part of one of the most beloved TV shows of all-time, but they’ve gone on to have cool second (third?) acts both in and out of the spotlight.

(I’ll forgive Twins. Sometimes a check is a check. They had to put 3 kids through college!)  

You know, if we really do like these people so much, we really shouldn’t mourn their uncoupling. They made a choice. They decided they’d be happier apart. We should probably just respect that and keep movin’, right? After all, we don’t even know them.

But if hear so much as a PEEP about Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, or Iman and David Bowie, I’m jumping off a bridge. You’ve been warned, celebs!

Are Paul Nassif and Adrienne Maloof Separating?

TMZ is reporting that Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are close to separation. Before you scoff at TMZ, remember that these guys have an unbelievable network of sources – waiters, valets, manicurists – throughout Hollywood. When it comes to entertainment industry news, especially in and around LA, they’re pretty hard to beat, and they’re rarely wrong.

I feel really sad about this if it turns out to be true. I make fun of the Real Housewives all the time, just like pretty much every blog ever. But I always remember that these are real people. Even Teresa. 😉 They may be petty or ridiculous or pretentious or even kinda dumb, but they are people with families and lives that go on beyond the TV show. For me, joking about families falling apart isn’t necessarily off-limits, it’s just not funny. I’m going through a divorce myself and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It sucks and it’s never what anyone wants for themselves and even when it is amicable (as mine is) it still feels like a big fat sad failure.

During the first season of RHOBH, I found Adrienne and Paul’s constant bickering sort of amusing. It seemed like they were one of those couples who just made it work despite annoying each other Paul annoying Adrienne all the time. Holding out hope for them and their sons that they can find a way to fix it.