Tag Archives: Heather Thomson

Don’t Make Room for Daddy: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

Ugh, George is back. Why didn’t he just stay gone? Gross. Here we go.

After the show opens on Aviva and Horny Goat Weed George buying $400 worth of crap in a health food store, we see Sonja returning from a meeting with her husband’s divorce lawyers. She thought she would be talking to him face-to-face but evidently, he just sent the lawyers in to tell her she’s not getting any money. Geez, what do you marry an rich old geezer for if not to get some money out of it? Sonja must have skipped some classes at Gold Digger School. I do feel badly for Sonja here – this whole situation seems sad and ugly and it’s definitely part of the reason for her unraveling. But I think the saddest part of all of it was her coming home and sharing a real sad moment in her life with these 2 interns or whatever the hell they are, and they obviously totally do not give a shit.

“Hey, when you’re done crying, could we maybe talk about me being paid?”

Moving on, we see Heather planning a fashion show to benefit an organization that funds pediatric liver donation. Good for Heather. Seriously. I love Heather and I love that she actually walks the walk. My favorite moment was when Heather asked Aviva to be in the fashion show and you can tell Luann’s all, “Um, hello! Model! Sitting right next to you!

“Oh, grrreat. I’m so happy for you, Aviva. Thanks for cutting in to my camera time.”

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It’s Time We Talked About the Real HouseHUSBANDS

On Sunday night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rich Wakile, husband of Kathy Wakile, explained in a voiceover that his favorite dessert is Kathy. Why? Because “it tastes like fish, and always gets the job done.” Ugh. Barf. It almost broke Twitter, especially when Rich himself tweeted that he was talking about something else and Bravo edited it. Riiight. Side eye, Rich, side eye.

It got me thinking about how many of the husbands on these shows are either comical, revolting, or both. (Like always, I’m ignoring those tricks in Miami.They offer nothing except Mama Elsa. Snooze.) For the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the shows currently airing.

Let’s begin.

Rich Wakile :: The Embarrassment

The comment about tasting like fish was only the most recent of Rich’s antics. From using the phrase “cake blocker” in one of his wife’s business meetings, to asking for a tampon (“My wife just cut my balls awf!”) in another, to the blurred-out boner on the Napa trip, Rich is one gross-out after another. And I won’t even comment on the popped collars.

Joe Gorga :: The Meatball

Teresa’s wee musclebound brother was first introduced to us in the infamous Christening episode. He came off like a scary, drunk roid-rager. Calling his sister “garbage”, throwing punches, and howling in Italian to their father “I’m ya SON!”, he seemed pretty awful. Telling the viewers he needs sex every day to “release the poison” did nothing to increase his likability. But I have to admit that like a rare Jersey fungus, Joey G. has grown on me. I find his unflagging support for Melissa’s “singing career” and his seemingly genuine desire to make things right with his sister and her family to be endearing. Charming, even. I think under the excessive waxing and tanning, there beats a good heart. Continue reading

Vacation, All I Never Wanted: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

The episode picks up with Part 2 of the St. Barth’s trip, where the ladies are continuing their vacation. (BTW, what are they vacationing from? Exhausting lunches in 4-star New York City restaurants?!) Some are enjoying it – I see you, Luann! – and some are acting like complete and utter assholes.

Since I could never do a recap as great as Two Winey Bitches, and I can’t steal Humor and Spice’s brilliant grading scale, I’m going to tell my ADHD version of the story in pictures. And gifs, of course.

“Wow. This is so much more awkward than I even imagined.”

I’m beyond thrilled that the episode opens on the “party” at the house. Seeing that Low Budget Johnny Depp and some random St. Bartheian are the only guests? Next. Level. Laughs.

Luann is nuts if she thinks anyone is buying the whole “my Italian friends” thing. She was definitely with Gutter Jack Sparrow the night before and any doubts about that were blown to bits by the look she gave him as Ramona cornered his ass and tried to pump him.

For information, you pervs!

Moving on to Sonja in the (Rundown Part of) the City. I’m sad to watch her unraveling this season. Really. I hope that sometime between the filming and the airing of this season she’s gotten some help. A friend and I were debating whether it’s alcohol or just a general breaking down or both. I’m gonna say both. Exhibit: Every single thing she does.

“A little Sonja stinks up…wait…f*cks up…I mean SPICES up any party. Pass me my glass.”

On to Aviva. Sigh, Aviva. She really came across like a complete crackpot in this episode, didn’t she? Poor Reid! What must life be like with someone that neurotic? He seems like such a chill guy but I can’t imagine anyone being able to tolerate that level of cray day in and day out. Either Reid is just an unbelievably great husband or he’s got a chick on the side. Hmm, maybe one of the Gallery Girls?

“Any sympathy you feel for me right now is going to vanish when you see me go bonkers the minute we arrive at the house.”

Carole is taunting me. One minute she bugs with her “I’m so over it all but still a cast member on a reality show” attitude, and the next I’m wondering why the ladies can’t all be as smart and interesting and level-headed as she is. (Is Sonja telling the truth about Clooney “doing” her for a year? I need some intel on that.) Whatever. She seems pretty damn cool. And I know I’ll alienate some RHONY fans by saying this, but I love Heather. I do! Come on, admit it: in the midst of all the shenanigans going down around the island, you would love to be on the boat with these two.

“Carole, the dank you brought is OFF THE HOOK! Where’s that pipe?”

I hate that I’m going to wrap this up with Ramona. Again. But I have to say that I am so relieved that this episode finally aired so I never have to see that footage of her screaming, “Take a Xanax! CALM DOWN!” ever again. Ugh, every single time it aired during previews, I felt my blood pressure explode. I wanted to – yes – take a Xanax.

“I’m going to make YOU calm down by screaming as loudly as possible, amplifying my voice by cupping my scarily shaking hands around my mouth!”

I’m really enjoying the trip to Slutty Island. It’s nice to see the ladies yelling at each other somewhere other than New York City. Next week? I’m pretty sure we’re gonna see all Sonja’s bits flopping around the pool. I can’t WAIT.

What do you think? How does Slutty Island with Sonja and her cigs compare to Scary Island with Kelly and her bag of candy?

All photos: bravotv.com
Gif: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com 

Young Lady, Pull Yourself Together: An Open Letter to Sonja Morgan

Sonja, sit down. We need to talk about some things that are gonna be hard for you to hear.

When last night’s episode opened on the meeting in your apartment, you were already making me tense. Say what you will about Heather, but she’s a hugely successful business woman and she’s offered you her help, along with help from James Benard (who probably lies awake wondering why he ever agreed to do this). And you bring Ramona to sit in and bark out her critiques in between taking phone calls? Honey, why? What were you thinking?

Now this is where it gets hard. *deep breath* Continue reading