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Best of the Blog: The Angelina Jolie Problem

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Let’s begin right here, with my Hollywood nemesis. That’s right, Angelina Jolie. This was originally posted on 5.26.11.

It’s 4:30 pm and I’m already halfway through my first glass of wine. Why? Because the bugs are back. That’s right: lice. Again. No one indulged my wish to be smothered with a pillow so I’ve spent the day in an incredible state of tension while combing, clipping, picking, vacuuming and washing. I need a break. Blogging sounds good. When I asked Facebook friends to help me come up with some topics the other day, man – did they come through! I’ll start with an easy one, and one that fits my terrible mood: “Tell us why you don’t like Angelina Jolie.” Here we go…

1. Bitch is fake.
This is probably my biggest beef with AJ. We should really be calling her Angie Voight, by the way, since that’s her name, but whatever. I understand that it is common in Hollywood to be called by other than one’s government name, and apparently her actual middle name is Jolie. But I think it is hilarious that she goes by Jolie instead of Voight. Voight. Say it out loud and you will smile as you picture her struttin’ around Cannes as Angie Voight. You know how when you are in another country and some shop or restaurant is randomly named an English word? Like an “American-style” restaurant in Italy will be called Buffalo or something. Or a clothing store in Paris will be called Gigolo. You always kind of crack up. Do you think the French crack up at Ange calling herself “Little Angie Beautiful”?

The name, though, is only the tip of the fake iceberg. As long as Angie has been on our radar, she has aggressively positioned herself as “other”, one who looks down on the fakeness of Hollywood. Um, what has she done as an “actor” that makes her different from any other starlet, other than have brown hair? (I know – she’s an ambassador and has 40 kids. We’ll get to that.) Tattoos? Yawn. Dabbling in lesbianism? Next! She’s still had the nose job and the boob job. Don’t believe me? Click here or do a simple Google search. Such a cliched route and especially funny because she’s always acting like all that bullshit is beneath her.

Caveat: making out with her brother. That was genuinely freaky. Ick. Nast. Continue reading