Tag Archives: Honey Boo Boo

Ryan Lochte Is My Favorite Person on TV Right Now

People complain all the time about how negative reality shows are. If they’re not portraying some ethnic or socioeconomic group poorly, they’re glamorizing the shallow values of the nouveau riche. Not to mention all the fighting! Oh, the nasty, nasty fighting.

I agree that there is a whole crop of Kardashian-adjacent television shows that are little more than what my pal Dean calls “hater tv.” But what about when something entirely positive comes along on reality TV? Don’t believe it’s possible?

Well, E! network is broadcasting an uplifting reality show featuring a healthy, well-adjusted young man with developmental disabilities and a supportive group of friends with similar disabilities, as they try to make sense of an increasingly complex world.

Oh. Wait. That’s actually the plot summary of the 2001 Sean Penn film I Am Sam. Sorry, my bad.

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? actually focuses on the day-to-day life of an Olympic superstar as he navigates through a series of highly-orchestrated situations and spreads his dumbass charm around like fingerpaint.

I’m not proud to say that I didn’t watch any of last summer’s Olympic games. Not one event. But I was aware of this Lochte character because obviously the media loved him. I was turned off by his seemingly douchey ways – the sneakers, the annoying catchphrase (“jeah!”), and of course, this:

complexWhen I saw him play a version of himself as a “sex idiot” on 30 Rock, I thought he was cute but I definitely didn’t see him jumping out of the pool and rocketing to Hollywood domination. ryan-lochte-sex-idiotSo, yeah, I started watching WWRLD as hater tv. (Also, I was sort of curious how the producers would show Gainesville, Florida – a town I love for lots of reasons, but mostly because my dad lived there while I was growing up.)

You guys. I didn’t mean to fall in love with this incredibly hot doofus. It just happened!

Here’s the thing about the show: just like “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, no matter how much the producers throw in sound effects to cue viewers when they’re supposed to laugh and feel superior, a delightfully genuine affection between Ryan and his family and friends comes through loud and clear. Ryan Lochte loves his life! It’s refreshing to watch someone so famous seem to love every minute of the life he’s made for himself. Yes, he has God-given talent as a swimmer, but he also pushes himself hard enough and digs down deep enough to become the fastest human being in the water. And that kind of determination and focus is no joke. Continue reading

The Non-Definitive List of Things That Entertained Me the Most in 2012

1. Angelina’s leg at the Oscars

I don’t watch the Oscars (I know) because as much as I love celebrities and movies, the self-congratulatory, overly serious tone of awards shows makes me feel barfy. My disdain for Angelina Jolie is well known among my friends so on Oscar night, when I started getting texts and tweets and Facebook messages about Angelina’s leg, I knew it was something big.

It was better than I could have even hoped for. tumblr_m029asjEQI1rn6e3mo1_500An “Angelina’s Leg” Twitter feed was born before the show was even over. Over the next few days, the memes were everywhere. Some of them were amazing.imgres

I still think “Angelina’s Leg” was the best meme of the year, better even than Binders Full of Women.

It’s really not even about schadenfruede (it kinda is). It’s about someone being an ass and acting as though it’s part of her spellbinding mystique. Sorry, Ange. Not this time.

2. Blue Ivy Carter’s earthly debut

My loathing for Angelina is equaled only by my love for Jay-Z and Beyonce. I don’t care if she maybe didn’t actually give birth to BIC. Or maybe shut down the maternity ward at Lenox Hill Hospital. Or even that they tried to trademark the name Blue Ivy Carter, or any of the other out-of-touch rich people stuff they may or may not have done. My love for them is irrational. And enduring. In addition to the baby, Beyonce made a tumblr this year and it is just, well, everything.

3. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis: “Thrift Shop” video

I should be ashamed of how many times I watched this. Should be. But this is f*cking awesome.

4. Britney on The X-Factor

Have I watched the show even once? No. Don’t need to when I have T.Kyle Mac and his Britney gifs. As my pal Rob Sheffield says, watching Britney try to appear normal is more entertaining than anything else on the show. tumblr_mf03h9Hpvf1ql5yr7o2_250tumblr_mf03h9Hpvf1ql5yr7o1_250

 

 

More after the jump… Continue reading

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’s Christmas Card!

And it is the most delightful thing ever and totally reminds me why I love this family.

honey boo boo christmas cardI’ve written about this before, but something that I really hate about modern life is what I call the Tyranny of Tastefulness. I blame it on Martha Stewart and her ilk telling all of us what “classy” looks like, dooming families to be photographed year after year in white shirts and jeans for their holiday cards.

The Shannon/Thomson family is not having any of that! I LOVE that they are not all color coordinated. That Sugar Bear is WEARING HIS BALL CAP. He’s all, “I got a hit teevee show and I ain’t takin’ my damn cap off if I don’t wawn’t to.” I also love whatever is going on with the background there. Are they in a WalMart? Possibly. Or maybe Shh! It’s A Wig!* staged family portraits this year. (That would explain Alana’s green extensions. Or hat. Or whatever is happening on her head.)

I also love that they are straight up, “Yeah, that’s the baby Chickadee had and she’s cute! We dare you to judge her for being an unmarried teen mom.” Chickadee and Pumpkin making the exact same face? Adorbz. (Yes, I know their names. There’s no need for judgment.)

Contrast this with the Kartrashians’ 2012 Christmas card, the embodiment of everything I hate:

Kardashian Christmas cardUgh. They are so gross. Mostly because they think they’re NOT gross. They think they’re klassy in their all white outfits. And they think we’re all too stupid to notice that they were obviously never all in the same room for this cobbled together, Photoshopped “merriment.”

My wish for each of you is a Honey Boo Boo holiday: one in which we can all be exactly who we are, no Photoshop necessary!

*Also known as “Shit’s A Wig”

 

11 Things That Will Still Be Okay No Matter What Happens Tuesday

I don’t know about you all, but I have to work hard to not feel scared – terrified, really – about what’s happening in our country. So as not to be coy, I’ll be clear that I am a huge Obama supporter. I desperately hope that he’s reelected. I believe that he’s playing the long game and is much more likely to take us where we need to be than his opponent is. And that’s all I’ll say about that. Respect all viewpoints, agree to disagree, ad infinitum.

The sad reality is that the man who gets elected President on Tuesday will begin his administration with only half the country’s support. HALF. For whatever reason, neither Obama nor Romney has convinced a clear majority of us that he’s the man for the job. I’m fearful that the party that doesn’t prevail will continue the partisan antics that have stopped the country dead in its tracks, making sure to block any good the other party tries to do. In the wake of Sandy, the “shutup and get shit done” philosophy of officials like Gov. Chris Christie and Newark Mayor Corey Booker is encouraging. Gee, maybe all it’s gonna take to focus all of us on our shared American-ness is a series of crushing disasters? Uggggh.

However! What happens Tuesday will not affect the awesomeness of any of the things I’ve listed below. Take comfort in that, friends. Take comfort.

1. Five Guys burgers will still be extremely delicious.

2. George Clooney’s face: unlikely to undergo a hideous transformation overnight.

3. Gifs will still exist. Thank ya, Jesus!

Continue reading

12 Last Minute Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Are you sick of dressing up as Skanky Elmo? Tired of your Sexy Garbage Collector costume? It’s time to update! You need to be current (please, no more Jersey Shore outfits) but you don’t have much time.

Don’t worry; I got you.

1. Taylor Swift ::
Throw on a curly blond wig, some matte red lipstick, and a demure but sweetly sexy 50s-style dress. Carry around a guitar and spontaneously belt out songs directed at anyone who even thinks about not loving you. Bonus points if you can include the phrase “pouring rain” in every tune.

2. Lindsay Lohan ::
Wear a red wig and make a duck face all night. This works better if you’re over 45.

Oof, Lindz. I really just want to hug you.

3. Chris Brown ::
Better yet, go as the Dlisted version, Fist Brown. Draw on a bunch of hideous tattoos and walk around being rage-y at everyone and denying you’re back with Rihanna. (You totally are.) Continue reading

Linked Out :: October 5, 2012

Clearly, you know that if it’s after six and you aren’t in a tux, people will mistake you for a farmer. But this and other helpful 30 Rock wisdom is now in infographic form. (Vulture)

Ew! A pic of Tyra Banks’ hideous, vomit-inducing, gross-me-out muffin top. Click if you dare! (The Frisky)

Hey, who wants to be my partner and dress as SEXXXY Bert and Ernie for Halloween? See, I already did SEXXXY Tinky Winky last year so… (Yandy.com)

Thank you, Ashley, for this collection of the best Honey Boo Boo gifs! (The FW)

Aviva: “Vacation is not the time to be drunk and have fun and laugh!” If you’ve been watching the Real Housewives of New York City this year, you have GOT to watch this 2-minute season recap from the gays guys at TVGasm. (YouTube)

I can’t stop looking at these classic sculptures dressed in modern hipster clothes. (Behance)

The fact that Hulk Hogan has sex tape? Not surprising. Seeing what his hair is like underneath the bandanna? A little surprising, honestly. (Gawker)

 

Bravo’s Sneaky Editors Did It Again!

We frequently hear from people on reality shows – particularly the villains – that it’s the editing that makes them look bad. Sure, they may have said whatever horribly offensive thing they said, but they always claim it’s “out of context.”

We’ve been seeing Aviva’s “You’re both white trash, quite frankly” bit in endless Bravo teasers since before the season even began. When the episode aired, we saw Aviva haughtily calling out Ramonja. Reaction shots make it look like they are shocked and hurt by Aviva’s accusations. But was it really Sonja and Ramona that Aviva was addressing? Or did Bravo’s editors pull a fast one?

Now it can be revealed! In raw video my sources obtained, we finally see what really went down that night in St. Barths. Click through if you can handle the truth. Continue reading

Linked Out Love :: September 14, 2012

Earlier this week, there were reports that Kris Jenner (horrible Kardashian mom) criticized June Thompson (Honey Boo Boo’s mom) for exploiting her kids for money. Predictable “pot, meet kettle” headlines everywhere. But now Kris says she did no such thing. Ooh, Kris Jenner, I see what you did there. Throwin’ shade like a BAWSE. (E Online)

This headline implies that wine in a box somehow isn’t classy enough on its own. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with just carrying it with you? (The Frisky)

This kid makes me wish I could travel back in time so I could grab my 15 year old self by the shoulders and repeatedly shout, “What the F*CK are you DOING??! Get off the phone, quit painting your nails and go LEARN something! JEE-zus.” (Cheezburger)

As a show of love to my readers, I would like to share some resources on the 5 Stages of Amy Poehler/Will Arnett Breakup Grief. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. (The Frisky)

Can you imagine discussing group health insurance with your Bunny Mother? What about demerits for carelessness with hair, nails, shoes, makeup or costume? No? Well, you can learn about it all right here in the 1968 Playboy Club Bunny Manual. (Retronaut)

Hey there, fellow moms! I know we don’t agree on everything in this crazy, mixed-up world but I think we can all agree that potty-training your kids in the middle of a restau – HOLY MARY! What is WRONG with people??!  (Huff Po)

Here’s me watching that video:

 

gif: myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com

 

What We’re Really Talking About When We Talk About “Honey Boo Boo”

People who know me and also read this blog have asked me a couple times now what I think about TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” I haven’t been able to respond because I really wasn’t sure what I thought. I needed to marinate. Also, I hadn’t seen the show until I watched the 3 episodes available online the other day. (I ditched cable. I regret it.)

I became familiar with Honey Boo Boo Child when my friend Andy posted the original “a dolla makes me holla!” video on my Facebook page with a message that said  “that kid you gave up for adoption is on Toddlers and Tiaras now.” Jokes! Of course I watched it about 4 times in a row, and I felt a strange mixture of horrified, charmed, amused, depressed, and worried. When she grabs her belly fat, I just…I can’t. In case you haven’t seen it (or have blocked it from memory), here it is:

People get so worked up over reality TV. And, in a way, I get it. It’s worse than a carnival freak show because unlike the freaks in a hot, sweaty tent, we only watch; we don’t have to make eye contact with them. (Which I accidentally did at a South Florida fairground freak show. I need to write about that.) And yes, I think a big part of reality TV’s appeal is the “at least I’m better than them” factor.

But what really makes me clutch my pearls and do the whole “who will think of the children?!” routine is the thought that Charlie fucking Sheen enjoys the level of fame and riches he does. Until very recently, Charlie Sheen was the highest paid man on television. He was making 1.25 million dollars per episode of that hideously unfunny show he was on. He even managed to make money off of his spectacular meltdown. And he’s on TV again! Barf. That troubles me far more than the kids on Jersey Shore allowing their drunken hookups to be filmed. Continue reading