Tag Archives: kids

“Tan Mom” Made a Music Video Because The World Can Always Get Weirder

imagesRemember the “Tan Mom”? Of course you do. She was accused of putting her 5-year-old daughter in (on?) a New Jersey tanning bed. She was a meme for a hot second, both defending herself and wildly screaming at reporters and photographers that they were “all fat losers!”

If you thought she just went back to transforming herself into a human strip of Turkey Jerky, you are incorrect. She’s back and she’s”the cool one.”

Warning: you will require some sort of eye-wash station following the viewing of this video, so start getting that ready now. Or better yet, some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type thing that erases your memory. Because what you are about to watch cannot be unseen.

A short list of things you’ll see in this “music” video:

  • doughy young gay men writhing around with and on Tan Mom
  • the inexplicable presence of a young woman with a blonde wig who “dances” with the soft gay men
  • production values that make the average 3rd grader’s PowerPoint on rocks and minerals look like Scorcese
  • Tan Mom in a Party City wig declaring she is “hotter than the Octomom” while having her boobs groped
  • choreography that took under 6 minutes to learn
  • what a $35 wardrobe budget looks like
  • rhyming of “drop my top” with “Mazel TOFF” (yes: toff)
  • at 2:01, a complete “I quit this bitch” to even pretending to lipsync
  • a podium featuring the presidential seal of the United States
  • a woman in the late stages of severe alcohol and possibly drug abuse who, in a better world, would use the profits from this video to pay for a stay in rehab. (Oh. Wait. There won’t be profits.) 🙁 *sad face forever*

 

Sometimes the world seems like a terrifying hellscape.

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mugshot: The Smoking Gun
gif: tumblr

Linked Out Love :: September 14, 2012

Earlier this week, there were reports that Kris Jenner (horrible Kardashian mom) criticized June Thompson (Honey Boo Boo’s mom) for exploiting her kids for money. Predictable “pot, meet kettle” headlines everywhere. But now Kris says she did no such thing. Ooh, Kris Jenner, I see what you did there. Throwin’ shade like a BAWSE. (E Online)

This headline implies that wine in a box somehow isn’t classy enough on its own. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with just carrying it with you? (The Frisky)

This kid makes me wish I could travel back in time so I could grab my 15 year old self by the shoulders and repeatedly shout, “What the F*CK are you DOING??! Get off the phone, quit painting your nails and go LEARN something! JEE-zus.” (Cheezburger)

As a show of love to my readers, I would like to share some resources on the 5 Stages of Amy Poehler/Will Arnett Breakup Grief. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. (The Frisky)

Can you imagine discussing group health insurance with your Bunny Mother? What about demerits for carelessness with hair, nails, shoes, makeup or costume? No? Well, you can learn about it all right here in the 1968 Playboy Club Bunny Manual. (Retronaut)

Hey there, fellow moms! I know we don’t agree on everything in this crazy, mixed-up world but I think we can all agree that potty-training your kids in the middle of a restau – HOLY MARY! What is WRONG with people??!  (Huff Po)

Here’s me watching that video:

 

gif: myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com

 

5 Lessons Learned in 15 Minutes on Match.com

Whenever the subject of my recent uncoupling (some might call it “divorce”) comes up – and it does fairly often – some well-meaning friend asks when I’m gonna go on Match.com. Not IF, but WHEN. Always. The men friends in my life push it the hardest, backing up their claims by giving me numbers and facts and science and other stuff that makes my delicate girly head hurt. I always respond that not only does the concept of online dating depress the shit out of me, but also that I am way too weird and opinionated for even the most sophisticated algorithm to classify me in any useful way.

So last night, after a couple Karma Supratinis (don’t judge) with a couple good girlfriends, I succumbed. I gave my email address so that I could get in and view some exciting profiles of singles near me! Some of whom are even “online right now!” After an initial giddiness – “Oh my God, what if this works and I miraculously find some supercoolguyandwebothhavekidsandenduptravelingtogether and EEEE!” – a few more minutes on the site brought me back to my initial misgivings. I lasted all of about 15 minutes but at least I have some intel from the very outer edges of the front lines – basically in another city – that I can share. Continue reading