Tag Archives: Luann de Lesseps

Don’t Make Room for Daddy: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

Ugh, George is back. Why didn’t he just stay gone? Gross. Here we go.

After the show opens on Aviva and Horny Goat Weed George buying $400 worth of crap in a health food store, we see Sonja returning from a meeting with her husband’s divorce lawyers. She thought she would be talking to him face-to-face but evidently, he just sent the lawyers in to tell her she’s not getting any money. Geez, what do you marry an rich old geezer for if not to get some money out of it? Sonja must have skipped some classes at Gold Digger School. I do feel badly for Sonja here – this whole situation seems sad and ugly and it’s definitely part of the reason for her unraveling. But I think the saddest part of all of it was her coming home and sharing a real sad moment in her life with these 2 interns or whatever the hell they are, and they obviously totally do not give a shit.

“Hey, when you’re done crying, could we maybe talk about me being paid?”

Moving on, we see Heather planning a fashion show to benefit an organization that funds pediatric liver donation. Good for Heather. Seriously. I love Heather and I love that she actually walks the walk. My favorite moment was when Heather asked Aviva to be in the fashion show and you can tell Luann’s all, “Um, hello! Model! Sitting right next to you!

“Oh, grrreat. I’m so happy for you, Aviva. Thanks for cutting in to my camera time.”

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It’s Time We Talked About the Real HouseHUSBANDS

On Sunday night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rich Wakile, husband of Kathy Wakile, explained in a voiceover that his favorite dessert is Kathy. Why? Because “it tastes like fish, and always gets the job done.” Ugh. Barf. It almost broke Twitter, especially when Rich himself tweeted that he was talking about something else and Bravo edited it. Riiight. Side eye, Rich, side eye.

It got me thinking about how many of the husbands on these shows are either comical, revolting, or both. (Like always, I’m ignoring those tricks in Miami.They offer nothing except Mama Elsa. Snooze.) For the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the shows currently airing.

Let’s begin.

Rich Wakile :: The Embarrassment

The comment about tasting like fish was only the most recent of Rich’s antics. From using the phrase “cake blocker” in one of his wife’s business meetings, to asking for a tampon (“My wife just cut my balls awf!”) in another, to the blurred-out boner on the Napa trip, Rich is one gross-out after another. And I won’t even comment on the popped collars.

Joe Gorga :: The Meatball

Teresa’s wee musclebound brother was first introduced to us in the infamous Christening episode. He came off like a scary, drunk roid-rager. Calling his sister “garbage”, throwing punches, and howling in Italian to their father “I’m ya SON!”, he seemed pretty awful. Telling the viewers he needs sex every day to “release the poison” did nothing to increase his likability. But I have to admit that like a rare Jersey fungus, Joey G. has grown on me. I find his unflagging support for Melissa’s “singing career” and his seemingly genuine desire to make things right with his sister and her family to be endearing. Charming, even. I think under the excessive waxing and tanning, there beats a good heart. Continue reading

Vacation, All I Never Wanted: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

The episode picks up with Part 2 of the St. Barth’s trip, where the ladies are continuing their vacation. (BTW, what are they vacationing from? Exhausting lunches in 4-star New York City restaurants?!) Some are enjoying it – I see you, Luann! – and some are acting like complete and utter assholes.

Since I could never do a recap as great as Two Winey Bitches, and I can’t steal Humor and Spice’s brilliant grading scale, I’m going to tell my ADHD version of the story in pictures. And gifs, of course.

“Wow. This is so much more awkward than I even imagined.”

I’m beyond thrilled that the episode opens on the “party” at the house. Seeing that Low Budget Johnny Depp and some random St. Bartheian are the only guests? Next. Level. Laughs.

Luann is nuts if she thinks anyone is buying the whole “my Italian friends” thing. She was definitely with Gutter Jack Sparrow the night before and any doubts about that were blown to bits by the look she gave him as Ramona cornered his ass and tried to pump him.

For information, you pervs!

Moving on to Sonja in the (Rundown Part of) the City. I’m sad to watch her unraveling this season. Really. I hope that sometime between the filming and the airing of this season she’s gotten some help. A friend and I were debating whether it’s alcohol or just a general breaking down or both. I’m gonna say both. Exhibit: Every single thing she does.

“A little Sonja stinks up…wait…f*cks up…I mean SPICES up any party. Pass me my glass.”

On to Aviva. Sigh, Aviva. She really came across like a complete crackpot in this episode, didn’t she? Poor Reid! What must life be like with someone that neurotic? He seems like such a chill guy but I can’t imagine anyone being able to tolerate that level of cray day in and day out. Either Reid is just an unbelievably great husband or he’s got a chick on the side. Hmm, maybe one of the Gallery Girls?

“Any sympathy you feel for me right now is going to vanish when you see me go bonkers the minute we arrive at the house.”

Carole is taunting me. One minute she bugs with her “I’m so over it all but still a cast member on a reality show” attitude, and the next I’m wondering why the ladies can’t all be as smart and interesting and level-headed as she is. (Is Sonja telling the truth about Clooney “doing” her for a year? I need some intel on that.) Whatever. She seems pretty damn cool. And I know I’ll alienate some RHONY fans by saying this, but I love Heather. I do! Come on, admit it: in the midst of all the shenanigans going down around the island, you would love to be on the boat with these two.

“Carole, the dank you brought is OFF THE HOOK! Where’s that pipe?”

I hate that I’m going to wrap this up with Ramona. Again. But I have to say that I am so relieved that this episode finally aired so I never have to see that footage of her screaming, “Take a Xanax! CALM DOWN!” ever again. Ugh, every single time it aired during previews, I felt my blood pressure explode. I wanted to – yes – take a Xanax.

“I’m going to make YOU calm down by screaming as loudly as possible, amplifying my voice by cupping my scarily shaking hands around my mouth!”

I’m really enjoying the trip to Slutty Island. It’s nice to see the ladies yelling at each other somewhere other than New York City. Next week? I’m pretty sure we’re gonna see all Sonja’s bits flopping around the pool. I can’t WAIT.

What do you think? How does Slutty Island with Sonja and her cigs compare to Scary Island with Kelly and her bag of candy?

All photos: bravotv.com
Gif: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com 

Dirty Ol’ Dad: A Crankypants Recap of This Week’s Real Housewives of NYC

I’m cranky and tired and just finally got around to watching Monday’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. What better time to throw out some random thoughts?

  • First, the GRILL on Aviva’s dad! I mean, whaaat? Every time he spoke I could barely pay attention because the contrast between those giant, bleached chompers and his leather face was too much.

    Ew.

  • Aviva seemed to handle him surprisingly well. For someone with so many phobias and anxieties, it surprised me how laid-back she was about her father’s behavior. Offering someone their “first squirting orgasm” while seated at the dinner table?! Wow, Luann was right: money CAN’T buy you class.
  • Oh, and when Gramps said to Sonja, “You’re not wearing panties.” Cringe! Request: Can the word panties never be used again please? At least not to describe the undergarments of anyone over the age of 7?
  • I have a suspicion that Sonja’s revulsion toward Ol’ Leatherface wouldn’t have been so dramatic if the cameras weren’t rolling. She can act disgusted all she wants but she knows the dude is LOADED and obviously, being with an old, rich guy hasn’t been a problem for her before. Maybe it was just because he was so over the top. But remember: this is a woman who’s trying to create a sexy TOASTER OVEN. That spells desperation like nothing else.

Moving on.

  • Ok, Ramona. She is a terrible, terrible person. Telling Aviva what to do with the prosthesis she’s been wearing for 35 years?! How does anyone tolerate this woman?  Ugh, Ramona. Shut yer stupid facehole.
  • There was just a smidge of Countess this week. However, despite her lack of onscreen minutes, she provided my favorite bit from this week’s episode. When Carole confronted (or whatever that was) Luann about asking her designer friend for a dress, Luann said, “Well, you know, I was doing that big shoot for Life & Style.” Countess say WHAT?! She is talking about a grocery store checkout line tabloid as if it’s a spread in W or Vogue! She is acting as though a “shoot” for a magazine that has a giant yellow sticker on the cover screaming “Only 2.99!” is something to brag about. I just can’t with this broad.

Oh, these people are just way too awesome. I can’t wait for next week.

 

photo via Bravotv.com

Bitchin’ & Ramoanin’

Yesterday I met a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in way too long for mid-afternoon cocktails. It felt luxurious, in a very Housewives-y way, to be sipping drinks while other people were still at work. If it hadn’t been 900 degrees and our dresses hadn’t been stuck to us with sweat, you would have thought we were carefree socialities. (Not really, but work with me.)

After we paid our check and got ready to go back to real life, the subject of the ladies of Bravo came up – as it does – and before we knew it, we’d been sitting with empty glasses for 15 minutes deciding what we thought about last week’s episode, and the whole Luann and Zhhhhjahhk (how Jacques pronounces his name) set up of Ramona. You remember, right? Wine expert Pepe Le Pew (OMG Mario made a funny!) and the Countess invited everyone to a wine event at which they played “wine games.” Ugh, whatever. Anyhoo, one of the oh-so-hilarrrious games they played was setting Ramona up to see if she knew her own wine. Continue reading

Money Can’t Buy You Class, Indeed

It’s hard to remember that this is NOT a parody. This is Real Housewife of New York City Countess Luann’s official music video.

How is it possible that it actually seems more comical now than it did then?! When the Countess was making the song, I think I was so focused on the fact that she was even doing a song that I don’t think I fully realized how hilarious it is! Remember the music producer? The one who kept his sunglasses on at all times?

source: chris young tumblr

 

Of course you do.

What you might not remember is how awful the song is! And much like when people tell you they are funny, or laidback, or “a lot of fun”, when people tell you they are classy, they are most assuredly not.

This video makes that point better than I ever could.

 

What the Hell is Carole Radziwill Doing on this Show?

Carole Radziwill is a New York Times best-selling author. Of a book she actually wrote herself. (*Cutting the side-eye at a couple of those other Housewife “authors”*) She is a serious journalist who has had an amazing life, the least amazing of which is that she is a for real, genuine princess. (So perfect that Ramona almost peed herself over that, rather than Carole’s many other accomplishments.) I loved her column in Glamour a few years ago when she used to take interesting people to lunch and ask fantastic questions.

So, why the Real Housewives of New York City, Carole?

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