Tag Archives: Money Can’t Buy You Class

Legally Stupid: Reese Witherspoon Vs. APD

I love how her eyes are like, "I quit this bitch."

I love how her eyes are like, “I quit this bitch.”

Before we look through the Georgia Department of Public Safety Report together – and oh, we are so gonna do that – let’s take a minute to be thankful that no one was hurt when one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and her dumbass husband drove drunk through the A late Thursday night.

Because since no one was hurt, we can safely LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH about this mess!

If you’d like a look at the actual document, you can download it here, or you can just let me give you the good stuff.

First of all, dang. Reese is really tiny. According to the report, Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon is 5’02” and 105 lbs. Now, it’s possible that Reese shaved a couple pounds off when she filled out the DMV form (something I obviously do not condone) but it’s more likely she’s really that small. Which makes some of the stuff she did that night seem even funnier.

So. Reese and her husband were riding down Peachtree at 12:40 am on Friday, April 19. They were over by Peachtree Battle. [Any guesses where they were hanging out before they hit the road? I don’t know; I actually really want your guesses.] An APD officer noticed a Ford Fusion – wait, stop. Quick laugh break for ballin’ in a FORD FUSION!

Oh well. I guess a Fusion is better than a giant Hummer? Still funny. Anyway. Moving on.

So, Officer No Bullsh*t (you’ll see in a minute) notices that the Ford Fusion – one more time: HAHAHA! – failed to maintain its lane and traveled more than once over the double yellow line. Officer No Bullsh*t initiated a traffic stop and the car pulled over into the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Again, I have to stop the story for a second. In general, I tend to be anti-cop. Sorry, I just am. I know it’s not rational but it’s almost like how some people just have a preference for mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. I just generally prefer to not deal with cops whenever possible.* However! I do love it when they serve up some “sit your ass down” justice to people acting like a**holes. Which is exactly what happened that night in the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Smelling alcohol on the driver’s breath – and also noting “disheveled clothing” – the officer asked the driver how much he’d had to drink. He replied “a drink” (yeah, right) and then looked to his passenger, one R. Witherspoon, to answer when he was asked where the drinks were consumed. She replied that the drink was consumed at a restaurant two hours prior. Girl, stop. Just stop.

I love this kind of crap! Listen, we have ALL left “a restaurant” after having “a drink” “two hours earlier”. We just have. And we probably did not smell like alcohol and fail to maintain a lane in our disheveled clothes! God, could one of these people not ever just say, “Dude, I am WASTED right now. I don’t know what the hell I was even thinking after that sixth shot. Here, cuff me.”

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Money Can’t Buy You Class, Indeed

It’s hard to remember that this is NOT a parody. This is Real Housewife of New York City Countess Luann’s official music video.

How is it possible that it actually seems more comical now than it did then?! When the Countess was making the song, I think I was so focused on the fact that she was even doing a song that I don’t think I fully realized how hilarious it is! Remember the music producer? The one who kept his sunglasses on at all times?

source: chris young tumblr

 

Of course you do.

What you might not remember is how awful the song is! And much like when people tell you they are funny, or laidback, or “a lot of fun”, when people tell you they are classy, they are most assuredly not.

This video makes that point better than I ever could.