Tag Archives: parenting

“Tan Mom” Made a Music Video Because The World Can Always Get Weirder

imagesRemember the “Tan Mom”? Of course you do. She was accused of putting her 5-year-old daughter in (on?) a New Jersey tanning bed. She was a meme for a hot second, both defending herself and wildly screaming at reporters and photographers that they were “all fat losers!”

If you thought she just went back to transforming herself into a human strip of Turkey Jerky, you are incorrect. She’s back and she’s”the cool one.”

Warning: you will require some sort of eye-wash station following the viewing of this video, so start getting that ready now. Or better yet, some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type thing that erases your memory. Because what you are about to watch cannot be unseen.

A short list of things you’ll see in this “music” video:

  • doughy young gay men writhing around with and on Tan Mom
  • the inexplicable presence of a young woman with a blonde wig who “dances” with the soft gay men
  • production values that make the average 3rd grader’s PowerPoint on rocks and minerals look like Scorcese
  • Tan Mom in a Party City wig declaring she is “hotter than the Octomom” while having her boobs groped
  • choreography that took under 6 minutes to learn
  • what a $35 wardrobe budget looks like
  • rhyming of “drop my top” with “Mazel TOFF” (yes: toff)
  • at 2:01, a complete “I quit this bitch” to even pretending to lipsync
  • a podium featuring the presidential seal of the United States
  • a woman in the late stages of severe alcohol and possibly drug abuse who, in a better world, would use the profits from this video to pay for a stay in rehab. (Oh. Wait. There won’t be profits.) 🙁 *sad face forever*

 

Sometimes the world seems like a terrifying hellscape.

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mugshot: The Smoking Gun
gif: tumblr

Unsolved Mysteries

Hmm.

On very busy days, I like to write out my whole timetable so I can kind of walk through everything.

Was just reviewing it and noticed someone in this house added to the 10 pm slot:

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But who should I be mean TO? That wasn’t specified. Guess I better add “catch the perp” at 10:30.

And I was so hoping for an early bedtime.

PS This is my first post from my phone!

Linked Out Love :: September 14, 2012

Earlier this week, there were reports that Kris Jenner (horrible Kardashian mom) criticized June Thompson (Honey Boo Boo’s mom) for exploiting her kids for money. Predictable “pot, meet kettle” headlines everywhere. But now Kris says she did no such thing. Ooh, Kris Jenner, I see what you did there. Throwin’ shade like a BAWSE. (E Online)

This headline implies that wine in a box somehow isn’t classy enough on its own. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with just carrying it with you? (The Frisky)

This kid makes me wish I could travel back in time so I could grab my 15 year old self by the shoulders and repeatedly shout, “What the F*CK are you DOING??! Get off the phone, quit painting your nails and go LEARN something! JEE-zus.” (Cheezburger)

As a show of love to my readers, I would like to share some resources on the 5 Stages of Amy Poehler/Will Arnett Breakup Grief. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. (The Frisky)

Can you imagine discussing group health insurance with your Bunny Mother? What about demerits for carelessness with hair, nails, shoes, makeup or costume? No? Well, you can learn about it all right here in the 1968 Playboy Club Bunny Manual. (Retronaut)

Hey there, fellow moms! I know we don’t agree on everything in this crazy, mixed-up world but I think we can all agree that potty-training your kids in the middle of a restau – HOLY MARY! What is WRONG with people??!  (Huff Po)

Here’s me watching that video:

 

gif: myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com

 

Best of the Blog: Moms I’d Like to Punch

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Only the best for you. This was originally posted on 9.8.10.

 

So, apparently Demi Moore tweeted this photo of herself in a bikini.Here’s the thing: we get it, Demi. We get it. You’re sexy. Yes, Cougar Mama, you still got it. Now, can you leave us alone and let us to go back to ignoring you? For me there’s something sort of pathetic and cringe-y about a 47 year old actress basically self-publishing her own pin up. I just don’t get why being sexy is still THE most important thing, your most valuable commodity, when you’ve grown older and presumably developed other aspects of who you are. I am all for the ladies keepin’ it fresh, but the ones who interest me, the ones I see as genuinely sexy are women like Helen Mirren, Susan Sarandon, Meryl Streep, Juliann Moore etc. These women are intriguing because their “sexiness” is more of an afterthought, just a complement to their talent. Sadly, I imagine Demi thinks that being sexy is going to make Hollywood care about her again. She doesn’t seem to realize that having nothing but flat abs and big boobs really only matters when you’re young. Hollywood is not interested in older women who can’t act. That’s a young woman’s game.

And speaking of young women, how do Demi’s daughters feel about this twitpic? (I love that word.) My teenage daughter wants to crawl under a rock when I do anything she perceives as “trying to act young.” I don’t believe that mothers have to conduct themselves at all times as if their daughters are watching. But in public? Yeah, they’re watching. And probably wondering a) when do we get our chance to be the hawt chick in the family and b) mom, why don’t you go do something else for awhile.

Oh, and before y’all start hatin’ (“U r jus a jellos fat cow!!1”) of course I would love to have DM’s body. I’m a few years younger than she is and have only 2 kids (she has 3) and have never looked that good in my life.

Now, onto the reason for the plural in the headline. The best part of this whole story is that Lisa Rinna, even more of a no-talent than Demi, tweeted an “homage” to her “idol.” Yes, an homage to  Demi Moore. Sure, Lisa, that’s what it is: an homage. Not buyin’ what yer sellin’, girlfriend, because I see you throwing out your hand, snapping in a z-formation and saying, “Oh yeah? I look just as good as she does. I’ll show her!”

Ladies, grow up.

 

Best of the Blog: The Angelina Jolie Problem

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Let’s begin right here, with my Hollywood nemesis. That’s right, Angelina Jolie. This was originally posted on 5.26.11.

It’s 4:30 pm and I’m already halfway through my first glass of wine. Why? Because the bugs are back. That’s right: lice. Again. No one indulged my wish to be smothered with a pillow so I’ve spent the day in an incredible state of tension while combing, clipping, picking, vacuuming and washing. I need a break. Blogging sounds good. When I asked Facebook friends to help me come up with some topics the other day, man – did they come through! I’ll start with an easy one, and one that fits my terrible mood: “Tell us why you don’t like Angelina Jolie.” Here we go…

1. Bitch is fake.
This is probably my biggest beef with AJ. We should really be calling her Angie Voight, by the way, since that’s her name, but whatever. I understand that it is common in Hollywood to be called by other than one’s government name, and apparently her actual middle name is Jolie. But I think it is hilarious that she goes by Jolie instead of Voight. Voight. Say it out loud and you will smile as you picture her struttin’ around Cannes as Angie Voight. You know how when you are in another country and some shop or restaurant is randomly named an English word? Like an “American-style” restaurant in Italy will be called Buffalo or something. Or a clothing store in Paris will be called Gigolo. You always kind of crack up. Do you think the French crack up at Ange calling herself “Little Angie Beautiful”?

The name, though, is only the tip of the fake iceberg. As long as Angie has been on our radar, she has aggressively positioned herself as “other”, one who looks down on the fakeness of Hollywood. Um, what has she done as an “actor” that makes her different from any other starlet, other than have brown hair? (I know – she’s an ambassador and has 40 kids. We’ll get to that.) Tattoos? Yawn. Dabbling in lesbianism? Next! She’s still had the nose job and the boob job. Don’t believe me? Click here or do a simple Google search. Such a cliched route and especially funny because she’s always acting like all that bullshit is beneath her.

Caveat: making out with her brother. That was genuinely freaky. Ick. Nast. Continue reading