Tag Archives: people are horrible

BREAKING: Chris Martin Consciously Coupling With Costco-Sized Bags of Cheetos

My #FreeChrisMartin movement never really caught on the way it should have but it doesn’t matter now, does it? As you’ve no doubt heard, Chris and Gwyneth are “consciously uncoupling”.

Daniel-Radcliffe-oh-god-shut-up-GIF

What’s that? You say “consciously uncoupling” sounds like “divorce”? Wrong! Divorce is for Normals. Divorce is for lazy failures who probably feed their kids breakfast cereal from a box instead of artisanal, locally grown spelt in Malabar chestnut milk, hand-milled by indigenous women. Divorce is for people with office jobs and minivans who drink non-premium beers. Divorce is for people who cook their pizzas indoors. Basically: farmers. (The type Jack Donaghy refers to; not the “young hippies who sell arugula at the market” type.)

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All joking aside, divorce – sorry, “uncoupling” – pretty much sucks. There are bad feelings and painful conversations and months spent wondering how you got from “I do” to “Get the f*** out”. It’s no fun, no matter how well both parties try to behave. There are silver linings, though. One of them is that divorce is sort of The Great Equalizer. No matter how perfectly you try to live your life, when your marriage fails, you’re in the same boat as everybody else.

And that’s exactly where Gwyneth Paltrow heard opportunity knock and told her maid to tell it she wasn’t home. Because announcing the end of a long (by Hollywood standards) marriage was her shot a relatability, something she desperately lacks. It was her shot at erasing statements like “Some days I feel like everyone in the world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired” from public memory.

beyonce and gwyneth

Still mad at Bey for this.

But nooope. Gwyneth had the chance to come across like the normal working mom she constantly claims to be and what did she do? She turned the smugness up to 11 by using her lifestyle blog to announce not run-of-the-mill divorce, but organic, expensive, better-than-you “conscious uncoupling”. That’s the reason the Internet exploded in Schadenfreude yesterday. She just makes it impossible to feel for her. She tried to build an empire on telling other people how to live like she does. Gwyneth Paltrow attempted to “curate” a perfect life and found out – like we all do – that life is messy as hell.

So back to Chris. I’m sure he played an equal role in whatever happened between them (no I’m not). But he’s not getting the hate she is. A friend of mine suggested that the marriage ended because she’s an awful person and he’s gay. Nah, I don’t think Chris is gay. I do think Chris Martin is the type of guy who isn’t all that into sex and probably prefers stuff like giving you back rubs and looking meaningfully into your eyes while he strums his guitar for you. He seems like a mellow dude and frankly, it’s very easy to see how a person like that would get completely fed up with the quest for perfection that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s entire existence.

So, Chris? Get INTO it, man. Smoke a blunt, buy gallons of that cheap, foamy ice cream that comes in huge plastic containers. Grab enormous bags of Cheetos! Better yet, buy generic Cheez Puffs. Get some bottom shelf liquor and lose a weekend watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. You deserve it. You’re free.

 

Do You Need Something to Be Furious About Today? Here Ya Go!

Yesterday a friend of mine who probably wouldn’t call himself a feminist (don’t worry, I’ll get him there in time) sent me a link to a video. This was the note that accompanied the link:

“This video is called ‘The Perfect Technique for Kissing a Girl in 30 Seconds’ but should be titled ‘Guide to Raping Women in the Street.’
You see how he grabs on to them? At least one definitely pushed him away. And the kisses looked more like him trying to bite them!”

This friend is not prone to exaggeration so I was curious to see what he was talking about. As much as I hate to give the “filmmaker” more views, you’re gonna have to watch the video to understand the rage it set off in me.

Am I crazy or is he basically committing sexual assault OVER AND OVER AND OVER?! What in the actual hell is happening here? The first woman he approaches must be a plant; her shitty acting is porn quality. But every other woman in the video appears genuinely startled and upset.

That a large portion of the internet is a stagnant, garbage-filled parking lot lake of filthy water is not news. So this asshole makes offensive videos for pathetic brodudes to watch and air high-five each other about? Whatever. Who cares?

Well, what makes this so, so much worse is where my friend came across the video.

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Oh, wait. You don’t read French? Here’s the headline in English. (Thanks, Google Translate.)

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Yup. This video – the one you just watched above, in which an aggressive d-bag grabs women on the street and mauls their faces – is just “the perfect technique for kissing a girl in 30 seconds.” Relax, ladies! Why so uptight?

The editorial board at Yahoo Quebec wrote that headline and the post that accompanies the video. To them, theirs is an accurate representation of the content of the video.tumblr_mf2vqa7VV81rccyxzo1_500

Ok. Are these people stoned all day everyday? Is Yahoo Quebec just an awesome place to work because you can hang with your bros drinking Labatt’s and comparing assault techniques all day?

In some ways, this brings to mind the iconic V-J Day photograph by Alfred Eisenstadt. The image is recognized all over the world as a romantic symbol of the elation of freedom.images-1

But the facts behind the picture tell a totally different story, one that is considerably less charming. And less consensual.

I’m so exhausted by all this. Aren’t you? I mean, the uproar over that Dove video is one thing. Sure, it’s worth discussing. But I firmly believe that we as women are at least as guilty as men are of heaping appearance-based hate on each other. I don’t ever defend the Kardashians but look at the fat-shaming that Kim has suffered while she’s f***ing PREGNANT. Jesus.

At least that Dove commercial was trying to emotionally manipulate us to sell soap. This douche-y auteur Vitaly is just going around grabbing women – my friend described the guy’s hand as a “rape clamp” –  and filming it. And getting nearly 5 million pageviews for it. (I don’t even need to tell you that avoiding the comments section below the video is best for your mental hygiene, do I?) In the same week that three women who’d been missing for more than a decade were found alive in a gruesome neighborhood prison, I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Without being too dramatic, I can honestly say that not once in my life have I ever been alone in a public space without my guard at least somewhat up. There is never a time when I am alone anywhere that I am not at least peripherally aware of the possibility of some man getting too close to me, or saying something offensive to me, or – worst case – physically violating me. Honestly, it’s much easier now that I’m older and more mom-ish, but I still get unwanted attention nearly every time I pump gas or go grocery shopping. Even if it’s something as comparatively benign as being commanded to “Smile, pretty lady!” when I’m mean muggin’. Hey, Asshole. I’m scowling so a man JUST LIKE YOU won’t consider me even remotely open to your proprietary advances.

The idea that there are preteen boys doing Internet searches on “how to get girls” and landing on a seemingly legitimate website like Yahoo to find advice like this just makes me want to go to a corner and rock back and forth for the rest of my life. And as long as women’s bodies are regarded as public property, this kind of thing will continue to happen.

It’s a good thing that women over 40 are anathema to shitheads like Vitaly. Because if he pulled that shit with one of us, he’d be picking up teeth.

Legally Stupid: Reese Witherspoon Vs. APD

I love how her eyes are like, "I quit this bitch."

I love how her eyes are like, “I quit this bitch.”

Before we look through the Georgia Department of Public Safety Report together – and oh, we are so gonna do that – let’s take a minute to be thankful that no one was hurt when one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and her dumbass husband drove drunk through the A late Thursday night.

Because since no one was hurt, we can safely LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH about this mess!

If you’d like a look at the actual document, you can download it here, or you can just let me give you the good stuff.

First of all, dang. Reese is really tiny. According to the report, Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon is 5’02” and 105 lbs. Now, it’s possible that Reese shaved a couple pounds off when she filled out the DMV form (something I obviously do not condone) but it’s more likely she’s really that small. Which makes some of the stuff she did that night seem even funnier.

So. Reese and her husband were riding down Peachtree at 12:40 am on Friday, April 19. They were over by Peachtree Battle. [Any guesses where they were hanging out before they hit the road? I don’t know; I actually really want your guesses.] An APD officer noticed a Ford Fusion – wait, stop. Quick laugh break for ballin’ in a FORD FUSION!

Oh well. I guess a Fusion is better than a giant Hummer? Still funny. Anyway. Moving on.

So, Officer No Bullsh*t (you’ll see in a minute) notices that the Ford Fusion – one more time: HAHAHA! – failed to maintain its lane and traveled more than once over the double yellow line. Officer No Bullsh*t initiated a traffic stop and the car pulled over into the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Again, I have to stop the story for a second. In general, I tend to be anti-cop. Sorry, I just am. I know it’s not rational but it’s almost like how some people just have a preference for mayonnaise over Miracle Whip. I just generally prefer to not deal with cops whenever possible.* However! I do love it when they serve up some “sit your ass down” justice to people acting like a**holes. Which is exactly what happened that night in the Walgreen’s parking lot.

Smelling alcohol on the driver’s breath – and also noting “disheveled clothing” – the officer asked the driver how much he’d had to drink. He replied “a drink” (yeah, right) and then looked to his passenger, one R. Witherspoon, to answer when he was asked where the drinks were consumed. She replied that the drink was consumed at a restaurant two hours prior. Girl, stop. Just stop.

I love this kind of crap! Listen, we have ALL left “a restaurant” after having “a drink” “two hours earlier”. We just have. And we probably did not smell like alcohol and fail to maintain a lane in our disheveled clothes! God, could one of these people not ever just say, “Dude, I am WASTED right now. I don’t know what the hell I was even thinking after that sixth shot. Here, cuff me.”

Continue reading

Chris Brown Just Seems Like A Real Chill Guy

I mean, doesn’t he?

He just seems real laid back, real easygoing.

*record scratch sound*

Ugh. THIS GUY.

Cool tat, bro.

Cool tat, bro.

I guess we all first became aware that he was a major douchelord when he beat the hell out of Rihanna’s face area, right? Then he further endeared himself to the world by not only issuing the weakest apology ever, but tweeting pictures of himself being pissed about his community service? Oh, right! Also having a complete shit fit back stage at the Today show, punching walls and screaming and being a total ass because Robin Roberts dared to ask him about the Rihanna thing.

Then there was the 2011 nightclub brawl with Drake and his entourage, supposedly over Rihanna. Oh, and dressing as a terrorist for Halloween because HAHA that is HILARIOUS.imgres-1

When he lip synched through THREE songs (why?) at last year’s Grammy Awards, he defiantly responded on Twitter that he didn’t have to answer to anyone, blah blah blah to infinity.

Honestly, Chris Brown should be required by law to have a Twitter account open at all times. It is by far the best way to get to know the real “Breezy.”

Exhibit A: last fall, comedian Jenny Johnson – who’s been baiting Team Breezy for years – finally got Fist Brown (™Michael K) to have a full-on Twitter meltdown and it is GOLD.

When Chris tweeted “I look old as f*ck! I’m only 23…” Jenny replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.” WHOA! Look, I’m sure it sucks to be a famous person and have to deal with people constantly messing with you. However, most celebrities kind of get that you just ignore that stuff, right? But not CB! No way. He came back swinging (get it?) with a barrage of insulting and vaguely threatening tweets to Johnson. She stayed in the game, hilariously calling out his grammar (“It’s YOU’RE a hoe, not YOUR a hoe”), and weathered the wrath of not only Mom Breezy but Team Breezy, the scariest rabid fans on the Internet.

Right before (temporarily) deleting his account, Brown sent this lil’ gem: Continue reading

Real Housewives of Atlanta: This Week’s 5 Unanswered Questions

So, Phaedra accidentally donkey-booty dialed Nene. Phaedra describes donkey bootyNene heard Phaedra say not nice things about Cynthia, so of course she had to go tattle to Cynthia. Whatever. Cynthia-centered plot lines bore the stuffing outta me and this is no exception. Also, Kim is moving out of the “haunted house” and Porsha made breakfast and Kenya is nuts.

But there are still some questions I’d like answered from last night’s episode.

1. Has Walter really never seen Kenya’s backyard?

That’s not a metaphor. I’m pretty sure that when she invited him over for the microwaved Trader Joe’s homemade dinner, he made some comment about how nice it was back there, indicating he had never seen the back deck. She also made some apologizing noises about the stairs. Is this the first time this poor sucker has been to his girlfriend’s house? Does she actually live there? And is she seriously talking about wanting a baby with this guy? And does she think the basis of a good marriage is perpetrating the lie that you can cook? And doing it badly (strands of pasta in a grill pan)? That was way more than one question but I’m truly flummoxed by Kenya’s crazy ass.

2. Did Porsha just say “fraudulent slip”?

Because I’m pretty she did. Explaining to her husband about accidentally calling Kenya Miss America, she described it as a fraudulent slip. Okay. This means that she not only doesn’t know the word is Freudian, she also misunderstands the whole concept. “Freudian slip” is not exactly an uncommon phrase, right? I mean, I think even eighth graders use it properly. But in the preview for next week, Porsha describes her organization as not about feeding the hungry only on Thanksgiving; they are “active 265 days a year.” So yeah. Continue reading

Best of the Blog: The Angelina Jolie Problem

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Let’s begin right here, with my Hollywood nemesis. That’s right, Angelina Jolie. This was originally posted on 5.26.11.

It’s 4:30 pm and I’m already halfway through my first glass of wine. Why? Because the bugs are back. That’s right: lice. Again. No one indulged my wish to be smothered with a pillow so I’ve spent the day in an incredible state of tension while combing, clipping, picking, vacuuming and washing. I need a break. Blogging sounds good. When I asked Facebook friends to help me come up with some topics the other day, man – did they come through! I’ll start with an easy one, and one that fits my terrible mood: “Tell us why you don’t like Angelina Jolie.” Here we go…

1. Bitch is fake.
This is probably my biggest beef with AJ. We should really be calling her Angie Voight, by the way, since that’s her name, but whatever. I understand that it is common in Hollywood to be called by other than one’s government name, and apparently her actual middle name is Jolie. But I think it is hilarious that she goes by Jolie instead of Voight. Voight. Say it out loud and you will smile as you picture her struttin’ around Cannes as Angie Voight. You know how when you are in another country and some shop or restaurant is randomly named an English word? Like an “American-style” restaurant in Italy will be called Buffalo or something. Or a clothing store in Paris will be called Gigolo. You always kind of crack up. Do you think the French crack up at Ange calling herself “Little Angie Beautiful”?

The name, though, is only the tip of the fake iceberg. As long as Angie has been on our radar, she has aggressively positioned herself as “other”, one who looks down on the fakeness of Hollywood. Um, what has she done as an “actor” that makes her different from any other starlet, other than have brown hair? (I know – she’s an ambassador and has 40 kids. We’ll get to that.) Tattoos? Yawn. Dabbling in lesbianism? Next! She’s still had the nose job and the boob job. Don’t believe me? Click here or do a simple Google search. Such a cliched route and especially funny because she’s always acting like all that bullshit is beneath her.

Caveat: making out with her brother. That was genuinely freaky. Ick. Nast. Continue reading

Young Lady, Pull Yourself Together: An Open Letter to Sonja Morgan

Sonja, sit down. We need to talk about some things that are gonna be hard for you to hear.

When last night’s episode opened on the meeting in your apartment, you were already making me tense. Say what you will about Heather, but she’s a hugely successful business woman and she’s offered you her help, along with help from James Benard (who probably lies awake wondering why he ever agreed to do this). And you bring Ramona to sit in and bark out her critiques in between taking phone calls? Honey, why? What were you thinking?

Now this is where it gets hard. *deep breath* Continue reading

Dirty Ol’ Dad: A Crankypants Recap of This Week’s Real Housewives of NYC

I’m cranky and tired and just finally got around to watching Monday’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. What better time to throw out some random thoughts?

  • First, the GRILL on Aviva’s dad! I mean, whaaat? Every time he spoke I could barely pay attention because the contrast between those giant, bleached chompers and his leather face was too much.

    Ew.

  • Aviva seemed to handle him surprisingly well. For someone with so many phobias and anxieties, it surprised me how laid-back she was about her father’s behavior. Offering someone their “first squirting orgasm” while seated at the dinner table?! Wow, Luann was right: money CAN’T buy you class.
  • Oh, and when Gramps said to Sonja, “You’re not wearing panties.” Cringe! Request: Can the word panties never be used again please? At least not to describe the undergarments of anyone over the age of 7?
  • I have a suspicion that Sonja’s revulsion toward Ol’ Leatherface wouldn’t have been so dramatic if the cameras weren’t rolling. She can act disgusted all she wants but she knows the dude is LOADED and obviously, being with an old, rich guy hasn’t been a problem for her before. Maybe it was just because he was so over the top. But remember: this is a woman who’s trying to create a sexy TOASTER OVEN. That spells desperation like nothing else.

Moving on.

  • Ok, Ramona. She is a terrible, terrible person. Telling Aviva what to do with the prosthesis she’s been wearing for 35 years?! How does anyone tolerate this woman?  Ugh, Ramona. Shut yer stupid facehole.
  • There was just a smidge of Countess this week. However, despite her lack of onscreen minutes, she provided my favorite bit from this week’s episode. When Carole confronted (or whatever that was) Luann about asking her designer friend for a dress, Luann said, “Well, you know, I was doing that big shoot for Life & Style.” Countess say WHAT?! She is talking about a grocery store checkout line tabloid as if it’s a spread in W or Vogue! She is acting as though a “shoot” for a magazine that has a giant yellow sticker on the cover screaming “Only 2.99!” is something to brag about. I just can’t with this broad.

Oh, these people are just way too awesome. I can’t wait for next week.

 

photo via Bravotv.com

Put these A**holes in their Place, Milania!

Holy cow! Have you seen the Real Housewives of New Jersey Facebook page today? It’s blowing up with absolutely vile comments about Milania. Jezebel has an impressively well-researched piece about it (damn, they are thorough). Now, if you’ve read this blog at all, you know I think Milania is the HBIC of that show. Although I wouldn’t let my own kids behave like she does, I find her brattiness 100% hilarious for entertainment purposes. My kid climbing into the produce bins at the grocery store? Oh, HELL naw. Teresa’s gravelly-voiced little princess doing it? Reality TV gold.

However. Let’s remember that this kid is 5 years old! She’s 5! Calling her a “bitch” and a “troll” and saying you’d like to “beat the shit out of her” is so far beyond that I just … really, I don’t even have any words. It makes me feel a little sick to be honest.