Tag Archives: Ramona Singer

12 Last Minute Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Are you sick of dressing up as Skanky Elmo? Tired of your Sexy Garbage Collector costume? It’s time to update! You need to be current (please, no more Jersey Shore outfits) but you don’t have much time.

Don’t worry; I got you.

1. Taylor Swift ::
Throw on a curly blond wig, some matte red lipstick, and a demure but sweetly sexy 50s-style dress. Carry around a guitar and spontaneously belt out songs directed at anyone who even thinks about not loving you. Bonus points if you can include the phrase “pouring rain” in every tune.

2. Lindsay Lohan ::
Wear a red wig and make a duck face all night. This works better if you’re over 45.

Oof, Lindz. I really just want to hug you.

3. Chris Brown ::
Better yet, go as the Dlisted version, Fist Brown. Draw on a bunch of hideous tattoos and walk around being rage-y at everyone and denying you’re back with Rihanna. (You totally are.) Continue reading

It’s Time We Talked About the Real HouseHUSBANDS

On Sunday night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rich Wakile, husband of Kathy Wakile, explained in a voiceover that his favorite dessert is Kathy. Why? Because “it tastes like fish, and always gets the job done.” Ugh. Barf. It almost broke Twitter, especially when Rich himself tweeted that he was talking about something else and Bravo edited it. Riiight. Side eye, Rich, side eye.

It got me thinking about how many of the husbands on these shows are either comical, revolting, or both. (Like always, I’m ignoring those tricks in Miami.They offer nothing except Mama Elsa. Snooze.) For the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the shows currently airing.

Let’s begin.

Rich Wakile :: The Embarrassment

The comment about tasting like fish was only the most recent of Rich’s antics. From using the phrase “cake blocker” in one of his wife’s business meetings, to asking for a tampon (“My wife just cut my balls awf!”) in another, to the blurred-out boner on the Napa trip, Rich is one gross-out after another. And I won’t even comment on the popped collars.

Joe Gorga :: The Meatball

Teresa’s wee musclebound brother was first introduced to us in the infamous Christening episode. He came off like a scary, drunk roid-rager. Calling his sister “garbage”, throwing punches, and howling in Italian to their father “I’m ya SON!”, he seemed pretty awful. Telling the viewers he needs sex every day to “release the poison” did nothing to increase his likability. But I have to admit that like a rare Jersey fungus, Joey G. has grown on me. I find his unflagging support for Melissa’s “singing career” and his seemingly genuine desire to make things right with his sister and her family to be endearing. Charming, even. I think under the excessive waxing and tanning, there beats a good heart. Continue reading

Vacation, All I Never Wanted: This Week’s Real Housewives of New York City

The episode picks up with Part 2 of the St. Barth’s trip, where the ladies are continuing their vacation. (BTW, what are they vacationing from? Exhausting lunches in 4-star New York City restaurants?!) Some are enjoying it – I see you, Luann! – and some are acting like complete and utter assholes.

Since I could never do a recap as great as Two Winey Bitches, and I can’t steal Humor and Spice’s brilliant grading scale, I’m going to tell my ADHD version of the story in pictures. And gifs, of course.

“Wow. This is so much more awkward than I even imagined.”

I’m beyond thrilled that the episode opens on the “party” at the house. Seeing that Low Budget Johnny Depp and some random St. Bartheian are the only guests? Next. Level. Laughs.

Luann is nuts if she thinks anyone is buying the whole “my Italian friends” thing. She was definitely with Gutter Jack Sparrow the night before and any doubts about that were blown to bits by the look she gave him as Ramona cornered his ass and tried to pump him.

For information, you pervs!

Moving on to Sonja in the (Rundown Part of) the City. I’m sad to watch her unraveling this season. Really. I hope that sometime between the filming and the airing of this season she’s gotten some help. A friend and I were debating whether it’s alcohol or just a general breaking down or both. I’m gonna say both. Exhibit: Every single thing she does.

“A little Sonja stinks up…wait…f*cks up…I mean SPICES up any party. Pass me my glass.”

On to Aviva. Sigh, Aviva. She really came across like a complete crackpot in this episode, didn’t she? Poor Reid! What must life be like with someone that neurotic? He seems like such a chill guy but I can’t imagine anyone being able to tolerate that level of cray day in and day out. Either Reid is just an unbelievably great husband or he’s got a chick on the side. Hmm, maybe one of the Gallery Girls?

“Any sympathy you feel for me right now is going to vanish when you see me go bonkers the minute we arrive at the house.”

Carole is taunting me. One minute she bugs with her “I’m so over it all but still a cast member on a reality show” attitude, and the next I’m wondering why the ladies can’t all be as smart and interesting and level-headed as she is. (Is Sonja telling the truth about Clooney “doing” her for a year? I need some intel on that.) Whatever. She seems pretty damn cool. And I know I’ll alienate some RHONY fans by saying this, but I love Heather. I do! Come on, admit it: in the midst of all the shenanigans going down around the island, you would love to be on the boat with these two.

“Carole, the dank you brought is OFF THE HOOK! Where’s that pipe?”

I hate that I’m going to wrap this up with Ramona. Again. But I have to say that I am so relieved that this episode finally aired so I never have to see that footage of her screaming, “Take a Xanax! CALM DOWN!” ever again. Ugh, every single time it aired during previews, I felt my blood pressure explode. I wanted to – yes – take a Xanax.

“I’m going to make YOU calm down by screaming as loudly as possible, amplifying my voice by cupping my scarily shaking hands around my mouth!”

I’m really enjoying the trip to Slutty Island. It’s nice to see the ladies yelling at each other somewhere other than New York City. Next week? I’m pretty sure we’re gonna see all Sonja’s bits flopping around the pool. I can’t WAIT.

What do you think? How does Slutty Island with Sonja and her cigs compare to Scary Island with Kelly and her bag of candy?

All photos: bravotv.com
Gif: realitytvgifs.tumblr.com 

Young Lady, Pull Yourself Together: An Open Letter to Sonja Morgan

Sonja, sit down. We need to talk about some things that are gonna be hard for you to hear.

When last night’s episode opened on the meeting in your apartment, you were already making me tense. Say what you will about Heather, but she’s a hugely successful business woman and she’s offered you her help, along with help from James Benard (who probably lies awake wondering why he ever agreed to do this). And you bring Ramona to sit in and bark out her critiques in between taking phone calls? Honey, why? What were you thinking?

Now this is where it gets hard. *deep breath* Continue reading

Dirty Ol’ Dad: A Crankypants Recap of This Week’s Real Housewives of NYC

I’m cranky and tired and just finally got around to watching Monday’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. What better time to throw out some random thoughts?

  • First, the GRILL on Aviva’s dad! I mean, whaaat? Every time he spoke I could barely pay attention because the contrast between those giant, bleached chompers and his leather face was too much.

    Ew.

  • Aviva seemed to handle him surprisingly well. For someone with so many phobias and anxieties, it surprised me how laid-back she was about her father’s behavior. Offering someone their “first squirting orgasm” while seated at the dinner table?! Wow, Luann was right: money CAN’T buy you class.
  • Oh, and when Gramps said to Sonja, “You’re not wearing panties.” Cringe! Request: Can the word panties never be used again please? At least not to describe the undergarments of anyone over the age of 7?
  • I have a suspicion that Sonja’s revulsion toward Ol’ Leatherface wouldn’t have been so dramatic if the cameras weren’t rolling. She can act disgusted all she wants but she knows the dude is LOADED and obviously, being with an old, rich guy hasn’t been a problem for her before. Maybe it was just because he was so over the top. But remember: this is a woman who’s trying to create a sexy TOASTER OVEN. That spells desperation like nothing else.

Moving on.

  • Ok, Ramona. She is a terrible, terrible person. Telling Aviva what to do with the prosthesis she’s been wearing for 35 years?! How does anyone tolerate this woman?  Ugh, Ramona. Shut yer stupid facehole.
  • There was just a smidge of Countess this week. However, despite her lack of onscreen minutes, she provided my favorite bit from this week’s episode. When Carole confronted (or whatever that was) Luann about asking her designer friend for a dress, Luann said, “Well, you know, I was doing that big shoot for Life & Style.” Countess say WHAT?! She is talking about a grocery store checkout line tabloid as if it’s a spread in W or Vogue! She is acting as though a “shoot” for a magazine that has a giant yellow sticker on the cover screaming “Only 2.99!” is something to brag about. I just can’t with this broad.

Oh, these people are just way too awesome. I can’t wait for next week.

 

photo via Bravotv.com

Bitchin’ & Ramoanin’

Yesterday I met a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in way too long for mid-afternoon cocktails. It felt luxurious, in a very Housewives-y way, to be sipping drinks while other people were still at work. If it hadn’t been 900 degrees and our dresses hadn’t been stuck to us with sweat, you would have thought we were carefree socialities. (Not really, but work with me.)

After we paid our check and got ready to go back to real life, the subject of the ladies of Bravo came up – as it does – and before we knew it, we’d been sitting with empty glasses for 15 minutes deciding what we thought about last week’s episode, and the whole Luann and Zhhhhjahhk (how Jacques pronounces his name) set up of Ramona. You remember, right? Wine expert Pepe Le Pew (OMG Mario made a funny!) and the Countess invited everyone to a wine event at which they played “wine games.” Ugh, whatever. Anyhoo, one of the oh-so-hilarrrious games they played was setting Ramona up to see if she knew her own wine. Continue reading

Alex McCord’s Fireside Chats Are Why the Internet is Great

When Alex McCord was a cast member on the “Real Housewives of New York” she was not so much polarizing as she was, well,  just “meh.” In the early seasons, she was too mild-mannered to make good TV. She had neither the hard-charging, fast-talking charm of Bethenney, nor the “hatewatch”- inspiring insanity of Crazy Eyes Ramona. By the time her intro phrase changed to “I’ve always had opinions, but now people know it” it was too late to get interested in her as a Housewife.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I stumbled across the genuinely interesting video series that Alex is doing for a website called RumorFix.com. Each week, she comments on the previous evening’s RHONY episode. They’re not like recaps, and they’re not opinions of who sucks and who doesn’t (that’s for bloggers). Her weekly short videos are instead the commentary of someone who has been featured on this show and knows exactly how it works. It’s almost a look behind the scenes, but from someone who doesn’t have a dog in the fight: she’s not trying to be hired back by Bravo so she doesn’t ass-kiss, but she’s also not out to settle any scores. She comes across as smart and fair and – “Oh, holy Pinot!” – kinda funny.

Alex didn’t make a great TV housewife, which is probably exactly what makes her such an entertaining and engaging commentator. See for yourself!

Note: This episode has annoying and distracting background music, which I hope will be gone by next week.

What the Hell is Carole Radziwill Doing on this Show?

Carole Radziwill is a New York Times best-selling author. Of a book she actually wrote herself. (*Cutting the side-eye at a couple of those other Housewife “authors”*) She is a serious journalist who has had an amazing life, the least amazing of which is that she is a for real, genuine princess. (So perfect that Ramona almost peed herself over that, rather than Carole’s many other accomplishments.) I loved her column in Glamour a few years ago when she used to take interesting people to lunch and ask fantastic questions.

So, why the Real Housewives of New York City, Carole?

Continue reading

Housewife Tweet of the Day

Because, you know, this is absolutely normal. “Real”, if you will. I mean, who DOESN’T post a pic of themselves post-workout in a completely natural pose  like this? She looks totally relaxed and real, right?!


Nice work, Ramona.