Tag Archives: Teresa Giudice

Bolt Your Tables to the Floor, Jersey: Danielle Is Coming Back!

Even though Andy denies it, word on the gossip rag street is that Danielle is coming back to The Real Housewives of New Jersey. You heard it here first! Or, maybe like third, but still.

Danielle! Listen girl, if it’s true you’re coming back, please PLEASE bring Danny with you. Everyone, you remember Danny, right? Danielle’s hilariously awesome “bodyguard”?

Danielle, I had NO idea how much I’d miss you! You brought such utterly charming self-delusion to the show. I mean, it’s one thing to be deluded enough to think your neon-colored pre-made bellinis are gonna be the next Skinnygirl margaritas (looking at you, Teresa). But it takes some next level delusion to think you’re gonna take the music world by storm with talents like yours. Beware: extreme fierceness and dazzling production values ahead!

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but one of the dancers – the one who isn’t the chunk or the ferociously sexy one – resembles a very low-budget Channing Tatum (aka the Sexiest Man Alive), who is himself a low budget version of someone I can’t quite place.

Speaking of C-Tates, this gave me the LOLz:

Teresa Giudice flipping table

Watch out, Teresa. Danielle’s comin’ for you.

One last thing, Danielle. If you could put me in touch with those dancers, I would love to have them perform at my next party. They seem comfortable performing their breath-takingly sexxxay moves in small spaces. I think my front porch might be just right.

12 Last Minute Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Are you sick of dressing up as Skanky Elmo? Tired of your Sexy Garbage Collector costume? It’s time to update! You need to be current (please, no more Jersey Shore outfits) but you don’t have much time.

Don’t worry; I got you.

1. Taylor Swift ::
Throw on a curly blond wig, some matte red lipstick, and a demure but sweetly sexy 50s-style dress. Carry around a guitar and spontaneously belt out songs directed at anyone who even thinks about not loving you. Bonus points if you can include the phrase “pouring rain” in every tune.

2. Lindsay Lohan ::
Wear a red wig and make a duck face all night. This works better if you’re over 45.

Oof, Lindz. I really just want to hug you.

3. Chris Brown ::
Better yet, go as the Dlisted version, Fist Brown. Draw on a bunch of hideous tattoos and walk around being rage-y at everyone and denying you’re back with Rihanna. (You totally are.) Continue reading

New Jersey Reunion Parts 2, 3, Infinity . . .

I usually watch Bravo shows to feel better about life. There’s the schadenfreude (duh!), there’s the pretty clothes and shoes and hair, and there’s the faux Caribbean jazz that is the soundtrack of all Bravo shows. Pretty much always puts me in a good mood.

But the reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey made me feel nothing but down. I wish I could get back the three hours I spent watching it. Oof. THREE. HOURS.

Quite frankly, (I’m Aviva now!) the problem is Teresa and Joe Giudice and their outsize role in the storylines of the show. I’m a little afraid Teresa’s army of rabid fans will somehow crash this site if I say it, but I think the Giudices are some of the worst people I’ve ever seen on television. They are delusional, angry, vindictive, rage-y, and full of hate and envy. And my boyfriend Andy Cohen and his producers have allowed their shenanigans to hijack the show.

We keep hearing how close Teresa was to her brother Joe before he got married. She gets teary and agitated whenever she talks about how Joe changed when he met Melissa. From the beginning, I’ve thought Teresa’s attachment to her brother was way beyond just “close”, right on in to “not normal.” Her jealousy of his attention to Melissa is a little bizarre.

The single story this season, up to and including the reunion, was Teresa vs. Everyone Else. And it was just boring. Yes, the contrast between the charming Season One Teresa and the vindictive Season Four witch is pretty bleak. But that doesn’t make it interesting. These shows work when there are relationships of all kinds – some love, some hate, some indifference – and when the alliances shift around. Jersey had none of that this year and it was ultimately lifeless.

I think this picture sums up the season: (after the jump) Continue reading

New Jersey Reunion Part 1: What Just Happened?

I’m still processing everything that went down last night during the Jersey reunion. Yeesh.

Actually, what “went down” was essentially nothing. Nothing was resolved, nothing was mended, nothing was even discussed, really. It was just Teresa vs. everyone else. As Aviva would say, this is getting old, quite frankly.

So, here’s my recap of Reunion Part 1: (read it with an eye roll in your voice)

Kathy’s new face, Teresa’s pageant dress, Teresa hates everyone, Caroline is indignant, everyone hates Teresa, Jacqueline is crying, miracle baby, hott Lauren, “napalm!”, Melissa is over it, “Your mother’s a liar,” muffled shouting.

The source of the shouting? That would be Rosie! Yes, Kathy’s sister. Teresa’s cousin. Sounds like Rosie took issue with Teresa’s unkind statement about Rosie and Kathy’s dad.

Um, I would think that by now Teresa would know: ROSIE DON’T PLAY.

In Part 2, I’m sure everybody will calm down. They’ll take a breath. They’ll engage in loving conversations that bring them back to what’s really important: family.  

Or not.

Gifs: RealityTVGifs

It’s Time We Talked About the Real HouseHUSBANDS

On Sunday night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rich Wakile, husband of Kathy Wakile, explained in a voiceover that his favorite dessert is Kathy. Why? Because “it tastes like fish, and always gets the job done.” Ugh. Barf. It almost broke Twitter, especially when Rich himself tweeted that he was talking about something else and Bravo edited it. Riiight. Side eye, Rich, side eye.

It got me thinking about how many of the husbands on these shows are either comical, revolting, or both. (Like always, I’m ignoring those tricks in Miami.They offer nothing except Mama Elsa. Snooze.) For the sake of brevity, I’ll only discuss the shows currently airing.

Let’s begin.

Rich Wakile :: The Embarrassment

The comment about tasting like fish was only the most recent of Rich’s antics. From using the phrase “cake blocker” in one of his wife’s business meetings, to asking for a tampon (“My wife just cut my balls awf!”) in another, to the blurred-out boner on the Napa trip, Rich is one gross-out after another. And I won’t even comment on the popped collars.

Joe Gorga :: The Meatball

Teresa’s wee musclebound brother was first introduced to us in the infamous Christening episode. He came off like a scary, drunk roid-rager. Calling his sister “garbage”, throwing punches, and howling in Italian to their father “I’m ya SON!”, he seemed pretty awful. Telling the viewers he needs sex every day to “release the poison” did nothing to increase his likability. But I have to admit that like a rare Jersey fungus, Joey G. has grown on me. I find his unflagging support for Melissa’s “singing career” and his seemingly genuine desire to make things right with his sister and her family to be endearing. Charming, even. I think under the excessive waxing and tanning, there beats a good heart. Continue reading

6 Loosely-Related Thoughts on This Week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey”

I’ve got about 65 things I need to be doing right now. What better time to reflect on the trials and triumphs of my pals in New Jersey? Let’s get right to it.

1. Confession: I like Melissa Gorga. A lot. Part of it is that I can’t stand Teresa. I feel like Melissa has tried harder – at least in front of the cameras – to mend things in their family. But there’s also something about Melissa, something I can’t put my finger on, that reminds me so much of my sister-in-law. Whom I adore. For that reason, I can’t be objective about anything MG does! Hating the camping/hiking/canoeing thing was SO my SIL! When she said she’d prefer to stay on the shore and “keep it sexy in [her] bedazzled bikini”, all I could think of was my Jenn. If Teresa had said it, it would have annoyed me. There. I said it. This is TV. Opinions don’t have to make sense.

2. Joe Gorga’s body confidence baffles me! And maybe charms me? A little? He takes every opportunity to show his peen (which I think we know after last night is fully waxed, ew). He’s a 5 foot tall meatball and he loves shucking his clothes!  It’s endearing in a way … except that he’s someone’s dad. It’s cute now, but he will become just as embarrassing as Aviva’s dirty ol’ dad. Trust.

Continue reading