Tag Archives: Twitter

The Week in Celebrity Vaginas

I probably should have used quotation marks around celebrity because the people I’m talking about are celebrities in the same way people like Ingo Rademacher and Sean Lowe (who?) pass as “stars” on Dancing with the Stars.

So, how about this? Some people that a lot of people are aware of said some stuff about their vaginas and I have some things to say about what they said.

Let’s start with Amerika’s favorite sisters, the Kardashians. I generally try to limit my exposure to Kardashianalia. There are a number of reasons for this but the primary reason is that I CANNOT LISTEN TO THEIR VOICES. Because I love trashy pop culture so much I want to marry it, I know that not watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians leaves a gap in my knowledge base. So I have tried, Lord knows I’ve tried, to watch the show. But I have never made it through a full episode because of those voices. The combination of that flat, nasal whine and using “like” every fourth word makes me feel insane.

Also, Kim’s face freaks me out.

But I am aware of them because DUH. So when I read earlier this week that on their television show, two of the sisters asked a third sister to compare and judge the smell of their vaginas, I thought, “Well, of course. Of course they did!” The way in which the winner was determined is that sisters Kim and Kourtney individually wiped their vaginas with a cloth napkin and then each in turn presented their napkin to sister Khloe for a sniff test.

That’s right: these adult women smeared (sorry!) their essences (again!) on a piece of cloth, which they presented to another adult woman to judge.

Big surpise, Kim was the winner! Know why Kim was the winner? Because Kim getting peed on by a third-tier R&B singer ten years ago is the reason these people are on TV. How is Kim gonna lose?

Here’s my favorite line from the whole thing: “Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p***y?” Khloe rhetorically asks. “Not really, but we’re sisters … if I can’t smell their p***ies, what else am I supposed to do?” Exactly, Khloe! You just summed up sisterhood beautifully! I mean, come on! WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Some would argue that Amanda Bynes is even less of a celebrity than the K sisters. We’re splitting (pubic) hairs here, but at least Amanda Bynes had a career as an actress with her own TV show and a movie or two before turning full-time professional car wrecker. Everyone pretty much forgot about her until she started acting all weird and druggy a few months ago. And then she went on Twitter with this lil gem:

xlarge

. . .

C Bale WHAT?

Um. I don’t . . . I just . . . WHAT?!

I guess she means she wants to do sex with Drake? But Amanda, WHYYY do you use words as though you’re a non-native English speaker?

Even though we hear the word “vagina” in public more now than we used to, it still pricks up the ears when people talk about their own. It’s sort of a guaranteed attention-grabber.

So, to you, masochistic Amanda Bynes and you, sweet-smelling Kartrashians, I say well played. Well played.

Best of the Blog: Moms I’d Like to Punch

It used to be that everyone who read my blog knew me in real life. I’m glad to say that’s not true anymore (hello, new readers!). So that we can get to know each other better, I’ve decided to feature a few of the most discussed posts from my old blog. Only the best for you. This was originally posted on 9.8.10.

 

So, apparently Demi Moore tweeted this photo of herself in a bikini.Here’s the thing: we get it, Demi. We get it. You’re sexy. Yes, Cougar Mama, you still got it. Now, can you leave us alone and let us to go back to ignoring you? For me there’s something sort of pathetic and cringe-y about a 47 year old actress basically self-publishing her own pin up. I just don’t get why being sexy is still THE most important thing, your most valuable commodity, when you’ve grown older and presumably developed other aspects of who you are. I am all for the ladies keepin’ it fresh, but the ones who interest me, the ones I see as genuinely sexy are women like Helen Mirren, Susan Sarandon, Meryl Streep, Juliann Moore etc. These women are intriguing because their “sexiness” is more of an afterthought, just a complement to their talent. Sadly, I imagine Demi thinks that being sexy is going to make Hollywood care about her again. She doesn’t seem to realize that having nothing but flat abs and big boobs really only matters when you’re young. Hollywood is not interested in older women who can’t act. That’s a young woman’s game.

And speaking of young women, how do Demi’s daughters feel about this twitpic? (I love that word.) My teenage daughter wants to crawl under a rock when I do anything she perceives as “trying to act young.” I don’t believe that mothers have to conduct themselves at all times as if their daughters are watching. But in public? Yeah, they’re watching. And probably wondering a) when do we get our chance to be the hawt chick in the family and b) mom, why don’t you go do something else for awhile.

Oh, and before y’all start hatin’ (“U r jus a jellos fat cow!!1”) of course I would love to have DM’s body. I’m a few years younger than she is and have only 2 kids (she has 3) and have never looked that good in my life.

Now, onto the reason for the plural in the headline. The best part of this whole story is that Lisa Rinna, even more of a no-talent than Demi, tweeted an “homage” to her “idol.” Yes, an homage to  Demi Moore. Sure, Lisa, that’s what it is: an homage. Not buyin’ what yer sellin’, girlfriend, because I see you throwing out your hand, snapping in a z-formation and saying, “Oh yeah? I look just as good as she does. I’ll show her!”

Ladies, grow up.

 

Housewife Tweet of the Day

Ok, it’s not technically a housewife. And, if we’re splitting hairs, it’s not from today either. But it IS funny.

The real Milania is Head Bitch in Charge at Casa Jew-dice. As far as I know, she isn’t on Twitter. But my current favorite Twitter feed is TheFauxMilaniaG: “Tweeting all the things you know Milania is thinking.”

Shit’s hilarious.